Why isn't my good friend offering to relieve me occasionally to sit with my 93-year-old mother?

You're asking too much from someone who probably loves you dearly, but doesn't wish to be involved in your mother's life.

I'd NEVER ask a friend to pick up the slack. That's why there are CG agencies.

Keep your friends in a different category than CG's.

I would never expect a friend to sit with an elderly relative. Arrange your own relief. Don't expect a friend to pick up the slack.

I don't know, myself, I would never expect a friend to give me respite in caregiving.Not everyone is comfort being with aging elders. If they don't offer I would assume it isn't something they are comfortable doing.

Your first friend - the one who you say anticipates your needs and acts on them - is a rare gem of a person. You are extremely lucky to have someone like that in your life; most caregivers don't have that sort of support outside of family members - and many don't even get THAT.

That said, your second friend - who you state you have asked once for help and she agreed - is also a good friend; you asked for help, and she agreed! Not her fault your plans fell through. Expecting friend number 2 to behave the same way as friend number 1 in unreasonable, and frankly (at the risk of sounding harsh) somewhat selfish of you. Many caregivers don't have even 1 person in their life willing to take on helping a friend in their caregiving, and you seemingly have 2, albeit you need to specifically ask one for help.

I do agree with the other posters here who have told you that you'd be better off looking to hire outside CG's to give you a set amount of respite. It would be better for you AND your friends. Then you can use the respite time partly to spend "friendly" time with your friends, rather than "caregiving" time with your friends. If you continue to only use your two friends, you might find those friendships strained - if not over - by the end.

I feel you expecting your friend to sit with mom is unreasonable. I do not even ask my own adult children to help with my mom or husband's aunt.

If they want to help they will offer and caregiving even for a short time is not for everyone.

Look for relief other places.

I would not want the responsibility, what if something bad happens while I am on watch duty?

Hire a trained sitter to keep your mother company.

Don't jeopardies your friendship over this issue which can be resolved by hiring someone, maybe you two can enjoy a nice lunch together have a regular outing, not just wanting to use her for an emergency.

Friends do fun things together.

Get your mother some hired homecare companionship to come and sit with her.
I would not the longest day of my life ever push my mother off on anyone I care about. You shouldn't either.

There are some types of friendships that lend themselves to acts of service and others that don't. I have friends with children that I would drop everything to take care of them. And I also have friends who it would have to be a dire emergency for me to step in to offer help. It doesn't mean that I'm not their friend. It just means that I know my own limitations.
By your own admission, your friend knows that you are burned out on caregiving. Perhaps she is scared of the responsibility.

That being said, not to put too fine of a point on it, but you do a disservice to your friend by making it seem as if she should have the bandwidth to help you because she doesn't seem have as much going on in her own life and therefore she should just be able to spare the time. It's the same logic that many people apply to stay at home moms when they expect them to do extra things at school because they "don't work" or those of us who work from home because we don't have to travel to an office we must have so much free time, or a retired grandparent should babysit their grandchild because "they don't have anything else to do with their time". You can't look at someone's life from the outside and assume that you know what they fill their time with just because they don't fill their time the same way you do. There may be things going on in her life that you aren't aware of that may be preventing her from offering.

Be fair to your friends and yourself. Instead of expecting your friends to cover for you, find a companion for your mother and go spend time with your friends!!

I once went on a girls trip with four of my friends. We all paid 1/5th in advance. At the last minute, one of them let me/us know she was bringing her 92 year old mother along. She didn’t contribute anything extra. Her mother got the best bedroom and we had to keep the house at 80 degrees because her mother was cold. I’m sure she was thrilled to have four captive others to entertain and serve her mother. I already have two elderly loved ones to care for. We aren’t friends anymore.

I find it odd that you would expect your friend to come sit with your mom and are wondering 'what could be going on?' She doesn't want to come sit with your mom and if you want her to do so, you would have to ASK her to specifically! People can't read our minds and figure out what we want or 'expect' from them! Plus, your friend is likely petrified of coming over to care for an old woman who she has no experience caring for, knows nothing about, and feels scared she may be responsible for harming! What if mom falls? What if she chokes? What if what if what if?

If you need respite, hire a caregiver to come into your home and don't jeopardize friendships, that's my suggestion. Never in a million years would I have ever expected my friends to care for my parents, under any circumstances, and would never have asked them for such a thing. Same goes for my cousins......it was my responsibility and I owned it.

By the same token, if one of my friends asked me to take care of her parent, I'd have a not-so-great reaction to it, to be honest with you. There are services they can hire to do that!