I will never.

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I’m so sorry. I lost my sister about a year and a half ago. She was about a year younger than me and we were close. It still hurts but not that same as in the beginning. Every first holiday, special day was very very hard that first year. 2nd year and now have happy days and times but the sadness and grief pops up randomly. I feel like a piece of me will always be missing and it just feels like a weight. I am trying therapy just to talk through some of it as there were other family issues which become amplified and impossible to ignore after my sister died. Somewhat difficult to find the right therapist and if you go down this road don’t stay with a therapist who is not right for you. Also getting out and spending time with people helped even though I didn’t want to. My husband gently pushed me to go out and always said we could leave immediately if I wanted to. I don’t understand God’s plan either. One day then the next.
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Dear lina33, the first Christmas without a loved one is very difficult. Please look under Discussions and scroll to "Have You Lost a Loved One This Year". I hope it helps,
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Lina, I am so sorry for your loss. I think that there is a very special connection between twins. You were together even in utero. My brother, who was 7 years my senior, passed in May; he and I always described ourselves as twins 7 years seperated, so genetically close were we, so similar. It is as though I have lost the Hansel to my Gretel when a dark forest appears. But I celebrate his life, and am so grateful to have had him for so long.
I am an atheist, but I think that Midkid's comments below are marvelous, and were I a believer they would be mine. I have read all the religious texts and have ever been fascinated by morals and ethics. I have never found evidence of a god who plans for our hurt; the old Testament "God of wrath" perhaps comes closest. We, as all beings that live, do pass. And we are unable to plan it to pass with those we cannot bear to lose.
I think it is important to do honor to those we love by paying their love forward in the world, by remembering their goodness, and our joy, and important to try to keep that joy alive and giving in a world full of want.
I am so sorry for your grief, and hope you will find a time of comfort. Allow yourself the time you need to mourn this great loss, but remember that our brains form habits; our thoughts follow along paths we walk daily and habitually. It is sometime important to awaken to the beauty of life, the needs of others for our care.
I wish you the very best, and somewhere I think perhaps your sister is as much with you as my bro is with me; that's a lot. I write him the long letters we shared in life when we were apart, when I miss him. I make a scrapbook of collage out of copies of his pictures from a long life. I celebrate him. And that brings me great comfort. My very best out to you.
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Lina--I feel your pain even though you didn't really finish a complete thought.

You lost your twin sister? And you wonder about God's plan?

In my world, my religious belief, God's plan is to come to earth, gain a body, have struggles and joys. Sorrow and pain and also the glorious amazement of just what life offers.

At some point, ALL of us will experience death. It's not personally done to you by God, but something you chose, along with all the other stuff of life.

Your sister still exists. In the quiet moments of a day, in the breath of the wind against your cheek, in the gentle thoughts that come when we are at peace...I believe our LO's are still around us.

I hope you come back. Others will have better 'answers' than I have.

And yes, missing someone at Christmas is especially hard.
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I am so sorry that you lost your twin sister earlier this year. I know that twins share a very special bond, and it must be hard without her being here. Unfortunately there will be times in life, when we don't understand God's plan, or why He allowed something bad to happen to our loved ones, but as a Christian, we are taught to trust Him in all things, and know that He will never leave us or forsake us. He has been right by your side this whole time, and knows this loss has been very hard on you, so try and take comfort in that. And it's ok, if you want to holler or scream at Him too. He can take it. He understands how you feel. He gave up His one and only Son for us.

My husband died in Sept. of this year, and during his long 6 week dying process, I many times found myself not only hollering at God, but cussing Him out as well. I was mad! Mad that He was taking the only man that truly loved me for me, mad that He was allowing my husband to suffer so, and really just mad about everything. Because I had been so mad at God, I knew that I needed to get back to church ASAP, because I was afraid that if I didn't, I may not ever go back. And so my husband died on a Monday and I was back at church that Sunday. To be honest, part of me really didn't want to be there, but I knew that without Him on my side, I would never be able to continue on my life's journey, so I have continued going, and have not only made peace with God, but with my husbands death as well.

The holidays are hard for all of us who have lost a loved one, especially when they're the first ones we have to go through. My prayer for you is that you will focus on the good times you and your sister had together, and that you will live your life in such a way to make your sister proud, and that you will once again find joy. God bless you.
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