Why is it so hard for some to set and maintain boundaries?
I am always surprised at the number of people on this forum who are unable/unwilling to set boundaries with a parent. Is it because of a lifetime of conditioning by the parent or do you feel it is disrespectful to just say NO to a parent?
My father was terrified of his mother. I am sure this was due to a lifetime of conditioning by her that she was always to be kept happy or there would be heck to pay. And as a child, you have no choice, but once you are a fully functioning adult, what is your excuse? He was a businessman, married with a child and a nice home. He lived 50 miles from his mother. He did not rely on her for anything, yet he was terrified of displeasing her. And he expected my mother and me to follow along. My mother was a very tolerant person, she did not get mad very often so she put up with a lot. I was a mouthy kid so I would say something to my grandmother if I felt she crossed a line. I found she didn't run roughshod over me as much as she did others because I would push back. Didn't know it at the time but I was setting boundaries that my father couldn't.
As an adult woman, I did not rely on my father for anything. I was not afraid of him as he had no power over me. I set a lot of boundaries with him as he aged. And he tried hard to break every last one multiple times. On occasion he was successful and I was mad at myself for allowing it. But that would just reinforce the need for me to have boundaries. He was well taken care of in his last years but not at the expense of me sacrificing my life (although on some days it did feel like it).
Why are boundaries so hard to establish?
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She would cycle through her bag of tricks, blaming me or refusing to accept the blame herself; minimizing my feelings; acting like a victim; saying that I was way too sensitive; or going into a big rage & having a meltdown that I would have 'the nerve' to set down rules of my own.
My mother would often ignore my boundaries altogether because she didn't recognize them as being 'valid'. Or she would constantly test me to see if my boundaries were weak so she could bust through them and say SEE! I knew you were weak and I could get my way! HA!
Setting down and keeping boundaries with certain personality disordered types can be SO exhausting and time consuming that the 'child' gives up eventually. We throw our hands up in surrender and the parent wins, which was their goal all along. Only the strongest survive the onslaught of tricks thrown at them to break down the boundaries they try to install in the first place.
That's why it was SO HARD to establish boundaries with my mother in the first place. She didn't want them, they cramped her style. And her style was ME ME ME ME ME. Only My needs matter, not yours or anyone else's. The world must revolve around ME and your rules prevent that from happening.
The gaslighting has you second guessing your own lived experiences.
When I read Susan Forwards book Toxic Parents in the 1990's, I finally felt I had permission to set boundaries. And I do.
But I live in a smaller community and regularly hear from other people how Mum or Dad is bad mouthing me for holding firm on my boundaries. Even to the point of missed employment opportunities, do to their actions.
But I continue to hold firm.
Also, religion clouds some children's ability to move on, they have been brainwashed by the churches must do's and interpretation of the written word, they are conditioned to follow the churches lead without questioning anything.
But I have some really selfish, mean, narcissistic siblings who proved themselves to not be worthy of my time or effort when my mom got old and sick and they were nowhere to be found. After my mom's death I put up solid boundaries with them cause I feel I have nothing to be gained by letting them into my life and a whole lot of possible hurt if I did.
So, as I said in the beginning of my post. Boundaries are dependent on each individual relationship and what you stand to gain or lose by having them or not having them.
Most parents are willing to spend an extraordinary amount of money, time, and emotional energy to foster feelings of belonging and togetherness. There is nothing wrong with that and it can help build a healthy, tight-knit family. Sounds like your Mom was there for you Gershun.
Psychology is not science and should not be the only voice we listen to.
imo. Thus, the term psychobabble.
It was my “normal” from the day I was born. And I learned tremendous survival skills. My husband is constantly astounded at how much I can read from body language, spoken tone and nuance. It was necessary.
I knew I did not like how I was mothered, and decided to parent very differently, which brought on mocking and criticism from my mother. I have discussed some of my mother’s behaviour with my older kids (20ish) to give them context.
But it took me until my 50s to truly understand there was nothing “normal” about my childhood or our relationship.
Dementia poked holes in her few filters and she eventually expressed herself freely to me, in front of others. “Do what I say, or I’ll make your life miserable!”
She’s been in care for a year and I am trying to wrap my head around a lifetime of damage. I cared for her longer than I should have (to keep her safe through the pandemic) and my conscience is clear.
I also think the reason why boundaries are so hard to establish is because it is like learning a difficult lesson. First you have to be aware that a boundary can or should exist or should be taken down. Then after that, you try, observe the consequences, try again, observe more consequences, repeat until satisfied with the consequences.
As life evolves and changes, the great part about forums like these is the fact that we get ideas of how we might be able to change our boundaries, and ways to enforce them or notify others that the boundary has changed.
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