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I am feeling so guilty over not wanting to spend more time with Mom. I am there every night, and every other weekend but there are so many things I WANT and NEED to do that I feel guilty for not wanting to be there. I can see her slowly declining and I want her last years to be good ones, but I don't know how much more I can do for her.

I plan on taking her out Saturday to Hobby Lobby and then to lunch. That will probably wear her out because her stamina is not what it used to be.

Why do I feel so guilty???

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Your are there every night and every weekend, but you wonder why you don't want to do more.....I would listen to the way you feel. That says you are doing more than enough. Isn't there a little voice inside that says you know this? It's reasonable and from all accounts is more than generous. When you know you're doing the right thing, do it and have peace. That's what everyone deserves. You mom won't gain anything from you feeling guilty. That just makes you anxious, miserable and more prone to your own health decline. She's luck to have you. Enjoy the time you have.
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SavingGranny, you CAN'T and SHOULDN'T be spending all your time with her. You wrote that her stamina isn't as it was, she can't spend as much time out, so the ratio of active time vs. resting time has changed. Let that be your guide.

Your mother needs more rest; you help her by granting and enabling her to rest as opposed to being active. That's one of the ways you care with love and feel good about yourself.

It's natural to grieve as well for the time you're losing, but you hopefully will have a lot of years left after your mother passes which can be spent on what you want to do. Think of it this way - are there any of these things that can't be done in a few years, 5 years, 10 years? And wouldn't you enjoy doing them more when you don't feel conflicted over your time allocation?

I keep telling myself that - there will come a time when I'll be alone and I'll need those postponed activities to help keep a level emotional keel. All that unused, pent-up desire will be rechanneled to that time. As I wrote, I keep, repeatedly keep telling myself that. Sometimes it really does work.
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Maggie I feel guilty because I am not spending all my free time with her. I know that one day she will be gone and I just don't want to wake up and say "I should have done more". I am such a good player at the game "should have would have could have"!

Guest, my name comes from my couponing but it does work for this situation too. I am 52 and still work a full time job. I just want to please everyone but I know I can't do that. I am trying very hard to put myself first but it is difficult!

Thanks for listening!
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Savinggranny - maybe you take a look at your screen name. You cannot *save* your mom from aging and health issues. You cannot *fix* her (as a codependent enabler, I spent years in therapy working on the desire to fix or save others). I think Maggie is right in some ways - you are grieving losing her, and you feel powerless to change her situation other than being there. And you have a full life outside your mom, so you cannot be there all the time. Not sure of your age, but I was raised in the time we could bring home bacon, fry in the pan, raise kids, etc. WE CAN'T DO IT ALL. And as we age ourselves, we are limited in what we can do more and more. You sound like a great daughter and parent (if a little bit of a revolving door with adult children and steps) so enjoy the time you have.
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Wow, I sure don't know why you'd feel guilty. You're spending a goodly amount of time with mom.

Are you sure you're experiencing guilt and not GRIEF? You're noticing you're losing her a little at a time. That is a REALLY tough realization.

Be proud, Saving. You're enriching her life more than you know.
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