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I am 38 and and the primary care taker to my almost 93 year old grandmother. I wouldn't say she is 100% but she refuses to believe she is a old lady and won't give up cooking or cleaning writing bills. She has always been the dominate grandparent. I was raised by her since I was 2 and fast forward 36 years I'm the only left to care for her. My father has been paying her bills for 18 yeara and it's almost bow bleeding him dry and he has his own home and life. I am not married or have children. She has always been a dominant woman never liking any friends male or female I brought home. Always finding fault. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She is obsessed with cleaning. Has always been ocd with that. Nothing is to her liking. She could watch u wash the dishes and when ur done she will.get u.and double check they were done HER way. I stood working 4 years ago to move in and take care of her since she had a few health issues that required a womans help. She is vdry modest and won't let men see her naked so having my help is out of the question. Her older daughter died at age 60 and her younger one had a.stroke and isn't all here to help me. I have felt so trapped and isolated In this house with her for the as year. I work part time herr and there at odd jobs but its only to help me get buy. She doesn't pay me and thinks living in her house for free is enough
I have bills and want to go out. I want to add my mother had drug issues and never was a mom. She was in and out of my life and I have seen her in 22 yeara so my gma was my mother figure. It wasn't all bad but now I feel I am.having my life sucked out of me and I'll be to old to have kids. My bf is VERY understanding since he had a grandma live with him til passed away at 94. I see no end in site. Her brother will turn 97 soon. We have had 3 people live to over a 100. My father comes over herr everyday and I hate it. I tell bim.u have ur own house live there but my.grandmother refuses to stop coming dinner for him every night. At my age I don't need to.see my father. I'm to old to see him.every day. He starts to treat me the way he did when I was a teenager asking who im.with what I'm dping I either never answer or tell him what he wants to hear. She is ocd with him. Says who will take care of ur father?.he has no wife. He is a grown man of 66 I think he can cook a egg or make ceareal. Everything has to be in a.certain place or she flips out. Nothing can.be untighty. If ur reading the paper u better make damn sure u stack them stright no mess. She always ran a very tight ship.all my childhood toys are still in the attack in the boxes. Everything had to go back in the box. Did I ad I'm a only.child! Feeling so trapped. I lost 40 pounds w years ago from a bad long term break up only to gain it back and then some..I'm a late night wine drinker and snacker. My only time to myself is at night. This woman never sleeps. Maybe 5 hours a night. Has 6 tvs in her hkuse and 3 are always on 100!!. My phrase I use alot with my friends is serenity now!! I don't have much money so going out is never something I can afford. My bf takes us to.dinner once a week. I have less friends.cause they aren't aloud over and less friends want to deal.with me. I have to plan my.life around her and no one undersrands that. I can't just pic up and go. She hates t be alone. Wants to talk to me all the time. I sell stuff on ebay or etsy or fb pages to try to make money but she hates that and tells me the irs is watching and is gonna come to her house one day. Ehh I have no health insurance so I never go to.the dr nor can I afford to talk to someone. I'm the escape goat that's dealing with this since I failed to marry early in her eyes. I lived life had fun traveled alot in my was no regrets there. I have asked for help from.so many fI'll only to yes Mr to deal snd never come through. Family womders why im dressed all the time. I hate my life. I see no end in site and that's what bothers me. I want help and no where to find it. She still pays for a car and insurance (she doesn't drive) but says she needs it when she goes to.the drs that's like once month all while.I ha e asked her to let me.buy the car and we.can share it. My car is on its way out. The transmission is going. Her answer NO ITS MINE! I can cook cause she thinks I don't know how. It's HER KITCHEN! Ig u drop water or.spill something it's like the world ended. If u go in the kitchen for food she will follow me and make comments on my waleight and if I eat that it will.go right to my hips. Wtf. No wonder why I eat crap.at night im.starving all.day just to satisfy her. I make food when she is in the bathroom which could take a while. I guess I just wanted to vent. I follow this page for a while abd final decided to add my 2 cents! #Serenityknow! Oh did I mention she was a WA C in the army! My house has always been like walking on eggshells. Am I getting jekyl or hyde today?

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Pyrex129 sorry about the eggshells. Glad you have some sunshine in the midst of so much rain.
It is good to vent and good to consider options.
What would you do if you get married or have a baby? Thirty something is very young these days, especially with family nearing 100.
You story sounds similar to the movie Sleeping With The Enemy. You deserve to be happy in life, we all do. Yet, there is a time and place for everything. Don't lose hope and continue in love and peace. Therein you will find Serenity.
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" I feel like I'm being punished for him getting my birth mother pregnant and then dumpling his kid on her to raise." And maybe you are being punished. But that is so unfair to you. You are worth more than what your grandmother (and father) think! You are YOUNG (although it may not seem so to you, most on this site are much older). You DESERVE a life. Please, please, please make yourself a priority and move away from these toxic people.
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My aunt lives in Pennsylvania im in jersey. Let me add. My grandmother is a tough as nails lady
She will fight death. Her personality. She was and still is the dominate grandparent. My grandpa was very easy going and she was always yelling at him. We got along really.well. if she was yelling and ahe couldnt see.him behind her chair she would turn to yell at him more and he would wink at me and pretend he was sleeping. I had a good childhood just different. I was dressed like it was the 60s mary janes and dresses. I didnt have friends over much. Ahe didnt like her stuff touched. I had 2 toy poodles who were my besties. Is dress them in doll clothes. Always had good homemade food.while most of my friends parenta worked and they ate fast food. When i did have friends over they were amazed by the food we had.
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Oh God, I can feel my shoulders slumping with every sentence I read.

It is, obviously, in case that needs saying, not your fault that you were born and not your fault that anything turned out as it did.

But. You know what. If I'd lost my daughter to uterine cancer, and my youngest child had suffered a stroke, and my son had tangled himself up with a junkie, and instead of retiring my husband and I went da capo with the childcare, and I'd lived through the war and served my country for this...

I'm not sure I'd be a little ray of sunshine, either.

Mind you. By the late 1970s, grandmas and grandpas who weren't willing to raise their children's children had other options, you know. So they chose to do it, you weren't "dumped" on anybody. They wanted you, and seeing as you grew up and graduated and did pretty danged well, given the start you were handed, they can't have done that bad a job.

Where does your aunt live?
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But my bf is coming over later to watch netflix on my computer so im looking forward to that :)
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My father is the only son. But the middle child. My aunt the oldest died 10 years ago from utirine cancer. Her younger daughter had a stroke 8 years ago. I have been the helper for the past twn years with all these people. I have told my aunt and my father i feel like im being punished for him getting my birth mother pregnant and then dumling his kid on her to raise. Its almost like in her head this is payback for him not raising me and my grandparents not having a retirement they had me the 4th kid. Today isnt any better today is a im feel sick day so its get me this i need help. Its rainy by me so i dont mind being in the house. Im listint things on ebay. I sell things almost every day. Which for me is a good thing
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Is your father your grandmother's only child?

I hope you're feeling better today, less stressed? It's good to vent.

I think you might cut your dad some slack. But then again, that must be hard to do when you're squidged up against him and your grandmother the whole time - all the more reason to get away!
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Babalou i go to the library alotm and its so quiet and peaceful there. I lut my head phones on bring my ipad and relax
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Pyrex;

Glad that you are applying for jobs and that you have a resume. No, they are not handing them out, that's for sure.

I would suggest that you make a plan to be out of the house for as long as possible, EVERY DAY. Go to the public library. To the park. Anywhere. Stay out of her way and don't subject yourself to her bile.
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I cant talk to friends anymotevabout thus cause they dont want to hear no one does. I just needed to vent and ask for advice where to start. Most caregivers ate nr my age and akreafy hqve established some sort of life. Its nice to vent and babbly to people who understand and hopefully wont judge. Anyone if friends or family i hsve talked about my situation neber got it and thinkinh im lying. They say ur grandmother is so sweet no way she could be so nasty and mean. Im looking for a job. Its not lije they hand them out. I have a resume. Been applying online. Little steps. Linda22 you couldn't have said it better. That is how i feel. And your right my fsther had attwched himself to me where i cant pry him away. No friends, no wife or gf never goee anywhere. Never out to eat cause godforbid she eats alone.
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Linda22, what you wrote is so powerful. Well said!
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So, when you say "I was just babbling, before because I didn't know where to start or finish", does that mean that you have no intention of doing anything about your Dificult Situation? Because it kinda sounds like you are giving uo, or are afraid to start making changes to benifit your living situation! Don't give up on your own future! That's all I have left to say.
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You know, this is a real pet peeve of mine (and loads of others on this forum) - the way family have what I think of as the "sacrificial single person". That's the person without spouses or kids who can therefore take care of the parents. But how is this person supposed to ever be able to have their own family if the family at large had decided they're to devote their life to caring?

You may be your father's child, your grandmother's grandchild, but you are not a child - you're an adult and no matter how they react to you standing up for yourself, you have all the right in the world to say no to things. They keep control over you by treating you as a child. Take a minute and think ahead. You take care of Grandma. Then you'll be expected to take care of your dad. Now look how old you will be, you haven't been able to build your own retirement, you haven't been able to enjoy life. Kiddo, like it or not, some family members expect you to sacrifice whatever you need to to care for them, keep their lives the same, make them happy. It's a lousy realization that your family isn't really looking out for you, but there it is.

We know it won't be easy for you, but it will get easier as you get stronger each time you take a step toward helping yourself.
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Im female to answer the question. Thank u for the advice.
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Pyrex. Get your resume in order. Get yourself a full time job. Doing ANYTHING AT ALL that will keep you out of the house. And that will get you back amongst working people who do not demean each other.

I can't tell if you're male or female. Do you have secretarial skills? Start there if you can do any kind of word processing, with any luck for a firm that has a Merchandising dept.

Find a free or low cost walk in clinic. Apply for Medicaid. Get a caseworker. Get a physical and talk to the doc about your feelings of hopelessness. Start taking antidepressants to get out of the Slough of Despond that you're in.
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Also to add my bf lives with his parents still. So cant stay with him
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I have a degree in merchandising. I had a damn good job with wateefood crystal 4 years ago. Then my house aka her house flooded. Lost 2 levels. My job was understanding but not more then a few weeks. I left themm to clean up the messm hurrican irene was in my basmeent and den. Lots of damaged. While she lived at my fathers and demanded she go home as soon as possible we did alot of the work outselves with no flood insurwnce and little help from fema. After the flood. She fell ill had a bad leg infection down to the bone thats when i became the care taker.running her 3 times a week to the wound center.
And no i do not have health care. I try never to get sick. My father was a workaholic and his shift were 12 14 hours a daym my grandmother always made packed him a lunch and made him dinner always came over for breakfast at 6 am then off to workm that gave her a purpose I guess. When he retired she didnt stop cooking or making him lunch. He just instead of working comes over for all is meals and leaves fairly early. He maintains the yard abd fixes anything that needs to be fixed around the housem thats why i feel suffocated. I have a car and do go out during theweek. Go to the store for me or herem get groceries. I look forward to having dinner and drinks once a week with my bf but its a short lived nice feeling. I guess i was just babbling before cause i didnt know where to stsrt or finish.
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Pyrex, with your Grandmother's OCD and abilities to cook and clean, and the fact that your father comes daily, shows that you can leave and establish your own life, even if her house falls to shambles, this is not your responsibilities, that this position was thrust upon you is unfair, and You must be the one to stand-up and say ENOUGH! Believe me, they WILL figure it out!

As others have said, you need to be working and earning SS credits towards your own retirement, because if you don't, you won't have and SS retirement yourself! Staying in her home, waiting for her to die, expecting to inherited her home, NONE of that will happen, as probably your father will be expecting to be paid back for all of those years in which he supported her, and he is likely to inherit anything that MIGHT be left, once she does pass away! In all likelihood, she will end up in a Nursing home, and her home be sold to pay for her care, so there WILL BE NOTHING left for you!

Scapegoat, Absolutely, do you need to stay and Stand for This, ABSOLUTELY NOT! You need to begin standing your ground, and get a job, and get out on your own! You don't need to tell either of them your plans, just quietly begin planning your exit, go to the unemployment office and get a resume made up, they will help you, heck, tell them your circumstances, they will help you, even if you need training, there is help available to you, that is what our Social Services are for!! Maybe you can stay with your Boyfriend for a while, as you said, he is understanding of your circumstances. Ask him to help you! Don't let them hold you hostage any longer, you did your term! In the end, say this was never meant to be a long term solution, if she needs additional help, your father will see to it! It doesn't have to be you! You've done enough! Nothing worth while is ever easy! Living there isn't easy either! You are 38 years old, and have your whole life ahead of you, and you can still have children if that is your desire, 38 is not too old, and there are other ways around it! Now is the time, Just Do it!
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You say you are the only one left to care for your grandmother. Then you say your father comes over every day at your grandmother's insistence.

You never go out. You go out once a week, with your boyfriend, who is very understanding thanks to his similar experiences.

You gave up your job. You worked full time and the house fell apart.

Look. I'm making every allowance I can, because I can almost feel your desperation and sense of claustrophobia coming through the screen at me. And I wouldn't blame you for having hugely confused feelings, and no clear sight of how to build a future. But it's incredibly difficult to know from what you've posted whether you are truly isolated, or whether you in fact have marketable job skills, qualifications and experience that you could use to a) find a job; b) find a place to live; c) get out and make your own life.

The 1-2-3 aren't easy, no, but they're right there. And as CW said, you don't need your grandmother's or your father's permission to make your own decisions - you're 38! So what else is holding you back?
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Pyrex, so you have health coverage? A therapist is something that you really need at this point.

No, it won't be easy. But you are an adult, and you deserve to have the life of a responsible adult.

It sounds as though dysfunction and mental illness are plentiful in your family.

If you conceptualize it that way, it might be easier to get clarity.
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Nobody said it would be easy, I imagine leaving will be one of the hardest things you have ever done.
I'm a planner and list maker so that is where I personally would start, if you build yourself a detailed "road map" then when you are ready all you have to do is follow the directions.
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I know no one will rescue me but its not as easy as 1 2 3. I wish it was.
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Nobody is going to rescue you, so stop waiting. It sounds as though she has made you so codependent with her that you don't know how to have a life of your own. It isn't up to your father, it isn't up to your grandmother, you don't need to ask for their permission, make a plan and GO.
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You need to be building your OWN life right now, not taking care of your grandmother. Move out NOW and find a job and a life. It won't be easy and you may need to step away from contact with your father and grandmother while you're doing it, but you need to do it for your own health and future.

You are not building any retirement savings or credits for Social Security right now. You've lost four valuable years in your prime earning years towards doing that already. The fact that your grandmother and father would let you do that in service to them tells me that they don't have a long-term concern about you.

Please get some counseling if it seems to great a burden to get out now. Don't put this off! You deserve happiness, friends, and your own life independent of your super controlling grandmother and your father who never grew up. Please keep us posted on how you're doing!
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I told him this a year ago. I want out and he wont listen. I feel the guilt she has on me everyday. He leaves when things get to bad and runs how like a little boy and im left to deal with it. His sister doesnt get we need help. I workee full time last winter and the hkuse and everything fell apart. Its like im the glue that keeps things together. Not fair. My father is a mommas boy and i feel im the one paying back his debt for dumping his kid on her
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Kimber166 is right. You are being emotionally abused. Your g'mother is your father's responsibility, not yours.

You need a job with benefits (health insurance!) and your own place. You deserve it. You are worth it. Your health demands it.
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GET OUT, NOW. Get a job - full time, get your own place.
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Sorry for the missplelled words. Was typing so fast out of anger
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