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My mother who is 89 moved in with my husband and I alittle over a year ago. She is healthy but her eyesight and hearing is poor, even with her hearing aids she can't hear well. I am at the point where I can't even stand being in the same room as her. I am overwhelmed with grief over this. When I was in my 20's and 30's we were very close (we did not live together) and always promised her I would always take care of her. Now I am taking care of her and I'm so unhappy. We've had "the talks" where I had to set boundaries and tell her she already raised me and didn't need to know everything I'm doing and everywhere I'm going and when to wear a jacket and when to comb my hair. She also gets very upset when I spend a day with my husband (on his day off) and she is not invited. Mom is very sarcastic and will also say what's on her mind.She is manipulative which I've tried to stop her from being and sometimes negative. I feel guilty because I feel the love I had for her is no longer there.Is it because my world has been turned upside down now that I no longer have my privacy and can no longer do what I want when I want? Do I resent her being here? I know I am burdened with the feelings of not wanting her to be alone too much, not wanting her to eat alone,etc. but she does not want to make new friends at church and she just basically wants me all to herself. I'm 57 and have MS and don't feel well most of the time but when she walks in the room I tighten up, put up a wall and just feel like I'm burdened because I feel as her daughter I should be focusing on her and her needs. I try to take care of myself, exercise when I feel up to it but lots of time I hide in my room just to get away from her. I just don't want to be around her and it's killing me. As I write this I am in bed, sniffling because we had a little fight, she said something sarcastic and I got mad and snapped at her, then she cried. So I ended up going to my room, getting into bed and cryed. Why don't I like her anymore? My 30 year old son said I need to find her an apartment but I just can't. I promised her I would take care of her but I know she sits in her room and is lonely. Why can't I bring myself to feel sorry for her when all I feel is burdened and guilt?

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Cindy, welcome to the crazy, emotional roller coaster that is care giving. There isn't a soul on this site that hasn't gone through what you're dealing with now.

Of course you love your mom. We all love our moms and dads. That's why we feel like such shits when we secretly wish they'd fall off the planet and disappear. That's why we feel so guilty all the time. Yes, it's about HER, but it's about YOU, too. That's why it's so important to find a balance in care giving.

If your mom is able to live on her own, why not try and find her housing with another elderly lady, somewhere close by? You can visit often, have her come visit you, but you can also go home to your husband and have the alone time, ME time and peace that you need.

You don't mention alz or dementia. Is she still of sound mind at this point, able to do things for herself?
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Cindylynn,so many people agree to be a caregiver for a loveone before even realizing the outcome.Caring for a elderly person is like caring for a child.But,truth be told a child is much easier.Because,a child hasn't learned the word hate.
Every elderly person has a darkside you will find you wish you never learned.Based on your topic,Why don't I like my Mom anymore?Sounds like you found the darkside.Reverse the question if you wasn't your Parent's caregiver?Sometimes it's best to let a outsider be a caregiver.Then,you can seat back and enjoy your parents how it should be.
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There isn't a post I haven't read that doesn't describe the emotional ups and downs I have had since caring for my mom, I thought I was alone until I started reading here, now I realize our situations are do similar. I have had days when I wish she'd die and be at peace, other days I have wanted to go myself, others I'm just lost in sadness and frustration. I still care, I pray that whatever decisions I make are the right ones. Think of the good years you both had, even if you place her somewhere you will not abandon her, you are a good daughter, I wish there was a manual for this problem but every situation is different, some make it through the end being the caregiver, some allow the responsibility to go to someone else. Whatever the case, we are all good children doing the best we can with what we have been handed. I pray for you and your loved one.
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Your son is right. He sounds like a smart young man. Did you make him promise that you could live with him forever? A hundred bucks says you didn't. No mother who really loves her child would do that. Your mother's neediness and sarcastic remarks are making your illness worse. She needs her own place.
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Sounds like you do feel a lot of resentment right now. It's so different living with a parent than caring for her at a distance. In Al-Anon we were constantly told the stewardess in the plane says put the mask on yourself first then on your child. If you get sick, your MS increases in symptoms which it can well do with the stress you are under, how could you be there for your mother? Please put yourself on the front lines of care. Your health is what is most important. Your marriage, your life, then you can take care of your mother's needs.
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I go through more or less the same as you. I'm 59 and I've moved into mom's house and am seeing to her care. She has Alzheimer's. There are times when I don't like her at all - but I love her and will always love her. I don't think we can always be close or best friends with our parents. It seems that the disease enhances whatever little characteristics we found annoying. Mom becomes obsessed on certain questions or subjects and will just keep asking them each and every time she sees my face. I too hide from but what has been my saving grace is I hired a caregiver to take over during the day. This gives me the time I need for myself and takes a tremendous burden off. You might consider this or perhaps Adult Day Care - a Senior Center if she can be by herself any. Some type - any thing to give you respite. You have to do something. Prolonged stress is - believe me - a killer.
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This brought up something I've been thinking lately. I don't know if the elderly are supposed to live with younger people. Requirements are so different. The older person doesn't need the bulky food and likes to keep it warm. Eating like the elder and living with the heat can take years off the younger person. Quite often both in up stranded in a limbo of social isolation with each other. At a private home, there are no people the elder's age to interact with. The communities are mostly younger people. And as the care receiver ages, the caregiver has to stay home to care for them, isolating themselves and maybe quitting a job to do so.

Lifestyles have changed from the days of old, where people had big houses on their country farms and elders died young. Still we are stuck in the old mentality of caring for elders. What I would like to see the baby boomer generation do is start breaking away from this old model that doesn't work anymore. Senior living communities sound marvelous -- social interaction and looking out for each other, freeing the younger people from having to tolerate the warm temperatures and things that often go with aging.

Still don't know how to fit dementia into the rosy picture. It is happening so much now. The villages they have in Europe (Denmark? Holland? I forget) sound wonderful, but I don't think the US would spend that kind of money.
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In this time of need, lean on your husband. Don't forget also that your husband is your number one priority not your mother. Don't feel guilty. I have experienced first and second hand what you are going through.
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Cindy, I bet when you promised your Mom you would take care of her, she was probably a much younger woman, quite independent, had friends, etc.

When I was younger I thought it would be great to have my parents live with me. Gosh, I would still have my career and it would be like "Father Knows Best" coming home to a cooked meal, clean house, and mowed lawn. I never pictured my parents being in their 90's. I never pictured my Mom being almost deaf/blind. I never pictured my Dad never driving again. I never pictured them always napping. Gone are the great conversations. Now Dad likes to tell stories of his childhood/college years which I have heard 100 times, and to converse with my Mom I am lucky if she catches one word to even know what the subject matter.

I had never promised them that I would take care of them when they got older, they probably assume I would since I am an only child. They are still living independently in their own house, but I know some day that will change. How I wish they would move now into a retirement community [lot of really great ones here in my area] so that they can get use to the place and to meet new friends... look at all the new ears Dad would have for his stories. And my parents would have MORE control over their lives instead of always depending on me to fulfilled their outside needs. And my visits would be QUALITY time, instead of being an errand person.
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You dont say if your mum has any mental issues? I would suggest AL so she will be with people her own age. I loved my old mum although she was an unhappy person she was a good mum. This monster who has taken over her i dont know and yes i dont like her much anymore but i keep telling myself this is not my mum this is an illness and that my old mum is gone now and even though i never promised her id look after her i am here now doing this but its no picnic its the hardest thing ive ever had to do and i too feel guilty for not wanting to be around her anymore like another post says "i hideout" bedroom, bath, garden, shop, coffee shops, malls go for walks anything but listen to the constant "can you do this". I know like everyone we have nothing to feel guilty about we are doing our best if i wasnt here my mum would be dead.
If your mum is just "old and crabby" with no real health issues then suggest AL as you are not in good health and this will make YOU worse. I had a stroke in Jan so ive HAD TO let alot go for my own sanity. I promised myself id have my own house a great man and a few kids at this stage of my life but it hasnt happened so dont eat yourself up with "promises" no matter where your mum is you can still be a loving daughter to her but having her living at your home is just not working out so maybe start looking at an alternative. This is going to get worse not better so think ahead wouldnt it be great if she was around her own age group and you could take her out and spoil her like some daughters get to do.
I am DONE and mum needs to go into a NH soon and i cant wait to "visit" her and try and be her daughter again as right now im a miserable, stressedout, depressed, fat unhealthy, sad woman who cant do this anymore. If you asked my friends to describe the person i was before this crap? funny outgoing always cheered others up game for anything slim healthy always travelling yep the "world was my oyster". Now im a sad old "CAT LADY" and only 48yrs old.
Yep give me an animal anyday now thats "unconditional love". Have to go now "mothers calling me" from upstairs shes no hearing aid in and dosnt matter how loud I scream up she cant hear me then shell say "dont you dare shout at me like that".
Honestly though this caregiving really is a "HOOT". NOOOOOOOOOOT
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