Why does the family scapegoat almost always end up as the family caregiver?

I think the scapegoat is the one who develops the insight and learns to process their situation on a different level. The scapegoat isn't afraid to hear others' opinions/thoughts because the scapegoat has not been conditioned that they are always right. Scapegoats can be good listeners and are not afraid to apply what they have learned because, again, the golden child is told they are infallible and always right - so what is there to learn from others? Golden children are always blameless. A scapegoat will really analyze to see if it's truly the other person's fault, are things truly always their OWN fault (as parents have taught them), or is blame really not always that important? Scapegoats can become very sensitive and thoughtful adults because they so badly do not want to repeat history and maybe the world will be a little better since they were in it. An above-the-law golden child would definitely not make a good caregiver and I think a lot of parents suddenly realize that as their care needs increase.

It’s not uncommon for one person to be a target.

That person does suffer an identity crisis after experiencing trauma in their childhood and adulthood.

My friend who grew up in Nebraska was the ‘targeted’ one with her mom and brothers. This woman had 5 brothers who treated her like crap. She doesn’t have a relationship with any of them now, nor her mom.

That’s all she knew. Sadly, she ended up in an abusive marriage as well.

It took a suicide attempt and a fairly long stay in a mental hospital before she could see that she had even been gaslighted. Grooming starts very young. Abusive men know who to target! It’s very sad.

Her mom would provide warm blankets for her brothers to sleep under and my friend said she dreaded Nebraska winters because her mom would take away her blanket as punishment.

Her mom was evil. Her dad left when she was little because she was so mean to him.

She wouldn’t allow my friend to see her dad.

Her dad remarried. She reconnected with him as an adult and she told me that her stepmom is like the mom she never had.

Her stepmom is a lovely woman who is kind. They are close. Her kids love her and call her grandma.

People who suffered abuse or continue to suffer abuse should never be the caregiver.

They deserve to become free from their abuser. It’s really hard to visit a friend in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt because her husband beat her so badly.

Thank God, she is doing well now. She did benefit from her stay in the mental hospital. She was away from her abuser long enough to focus on her therapy and start healing.

I think WE choose the jobs we want to take on. People who are abused by parents are constantly seeking approval from them, and so, tend to take on the thankless job of caring for them in the often futile hope of getting such approval or words of love.

Here is a quote that may help you today:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram

I think an abusive elder WILL expect the moon from anyone & everyone they can. It's up to YOU how much YOU are willing to give.

Please remember that YOU are important. YOU count. YOU are a valuable human being and a child of God. YOU matter. Take care of YOU today because you deserve to.

Simple answer: because the scapegoat was given far less attention, supervision, and emotional and financial support, the scapegoat has had interrupted or no college education, lower earning power, abusive relationships, divorce, frequent moves, no home ownership, probably substance abuse issues that began in adolescence to deal with the neglect and abuse. As the decades pass, the scapegoat has little social or financial safety net, and when the elderly parent needs help, the scapegoat might actually need a place to stay, or at least the scapegoat is the loser in the family who is not tied down with a spouse or job or house, and so is "free" to spend all their time on the elderly parent's needs. They probably didn't plan on that outcome when they were emotionally crippling you in your childhood and youth, but it turns out to be an added benefit for them.

I’m sorry to hear that you were abused. I feel like God really made you stronger. The others are really weak. Your more compassionate at heart ❤️ And that’s why God Chose you to assist. Never mind how it seems. Trust me you will be Blessed for what God has you to do. Don’t worry just ask God to give you strength, courage, guidance and protection.
God Bless You!

Great question!

You have answered your own question in your posting.

The grooming started long ago. People fall into a role that they felt was their responsibility because of a sense of obligation and guilt.

Hopefully, one day their perspective on the situation will change.

Unfortunately their perspective usually only changes when a person becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I think its the personality. And I think in the back of your mind and others, you are hoping you now will be appreciated and maybe find out your loved. Or, look, none of your "golden" children care. You are not the only one on this forum that is going thru what you are and you are the last people that should be caring for a person that has abused you in the past, by word or deed. I have never heard anyone on this forum that is in the same situation you are say "my LO now loves me for all I have done for them" The ones who have finally realized that nothing is going to change have walked away. Was it easy, no, but they are a little happier.

I'm sorry for your position in the family. I was the middle child and always got the raw deal ("he's older, if you don't like it, don't put up with it," (when we were elementary school) and then when he would punch me, "well, what did you expect?" and "She's the baby , let her have her way." What comes to mind is the Christmas wish book - I never got to look at it, but this isn't about me, sorry.

Anyway, in our family, I am now the caregiver but my mom has dementia and doesn't remember that I wasn't her favorite child. She rather likes me now and says I'm the only one who has seen her naked (not true, my sister used to take her to her house for a bath and has helped clean her up here).

If you choose to be the caregiver, perhaps you'll be "lucky" and the one you are caring for will forget you're not the favorite.

Otherwise, like someone else said, it would be good for you to set boundaries, which is extremely uncomfortable for those of us who are used to doing what everyone expects.

I am glad you posted. I have found this is a safe place to vent and get support.

We take on or we accept or we create roles for ourselves.
There are especially in families dealing with alcohol, whole books written about how one child assumes the "rebel" role, and one the "good child" and another the smart and another the bumbling, and so on. As many roles as there are kids. The peacemaker. The disruptor. The caregiver. The negligent, the responsible, the irresponsible.
We teach people directly how to treat us by how we ALLOW them to treat us. If we post a sign "kick me" on our forheads someone will kick us. NOW comes the question about what we do. Do we say "Sorry, I will try harder; if I fail please kick me again" or do we say "Do that again and you will never see me again".
It is quite honestly, in any relationship, necessary to tell someone what we expect and what we will accept. To stand and say "I don't deserve that; I am a good person. If you ever do that again you will never see me again". This holds true in any relationship. Say one of abused spouse, male or female. And we have to be ready to walk away.
I think the honest truth with children is that our parents form us as though we are malleable as clay. And it is hard to grow out of the form they shaped. They tell us either "You are strong and capable and able and good and can be anything you want"
OR
they tell us: "You are weak and ugly and bad and dumb and you better be better or I won't love you."
I have told the story about a girlfriend who did everything for her female partner. EVERYTHING. And then became ill and needed help. Her spoiled girlfriend left at once. When my friend ended in the shrink office the shrink said : "YOU are entirely at fault. You told her who you were, that you would do EVERYTHING for her. Now you have broken the bargain the two of you made. You let her down. YOU broke the contract".
THAT is a life lesson that is devastating to hear, but it was the beginning of a new life for my girlfriend. Due to getting good help she never made that mistake again.
I think honestly the only way out at some times, the only way for us to stretch out of our awful but "known and comfortable" roles, is to get professional help to shake us up.
Have you ever sat and honestly thought "Why am I continuing to do this?" "What do I expect to happen?" "What is the best things that could happen?" "What is the most realistic expectation of outcome here?" Do you journal at all? I don't mean journal a litany of the unhappiness of the day, but really ask yourself the tough questions, make the lists of choices.
So sorry; it's all so awful, but there is one thing likely guaranteed. We don't change people. And people seldom do change what they are at the core. And the choice, finally, is in our own hands. Stand up for yourself. Get help for yourself. And make a good and decent family of good and decent people you choose for yourself. People who will treat you as you treat them, with love and respect.
So sorry; these are such hard times anyway, and dealing with all this makes it seem impossibly hard at some times. I surely do wish you the best. I know my telling you that this is in your hands isn't a gift, it is only one more burden, and I am so sorry for that, as well, but it will do you no good for me to say "Someday they will know how good you are and they will tell you so and you will be all healed", because that just isn't how I see it happening out there. Hugs, Burnt. I am so sorry.

No one has to take on the caregiving role - but i think the whipping post child has the hardest time saying "no" because they have not been listened to in the past and are used to doing what the parents want. They also are likely to seek approval and do what the parents expect.

I hope, if this is you, that you will say a resounding "NO" to what you do not want to do, and a yes to what you are willing to do OF YOUR CHOICE AND WITH LOVE.