Why does the family scapegoat almost always end up as the family caregiver?

Burntcaregiver:

If your parent was abusive to you, and remains abusive, you owe them nothing. You also should not feel guilty for walking away.

You may forgive your abuser, if you wish, but you need not allow them to continue to emotionally abuse you as an adult.

Ask yourself what it is that you expect by taking on this duty?

If it is that your mother or father will finally treat you better, or apologize for the abuse, or neglectful treatment....that will likely not happen.

Maybe you can take this elder to visit the favored child, then walk outside, get in the car and drive away, or walk away.

Let that favored adult child deal with the person.

Also, as others have mentioned, please get counseling to address your childhood abuse or neglect or both.

Hugs

God. I really relate. I wonder if it just some ppl’s experience, or if it is actual rule.

I asked this question myself a while ago and got some interesting answers, mostly seeming to suggest we have been brainwashed from an early age into thinking it is our duty to make all our parent's problems go away. Even at nearly 60 I found myself feeling 'I OUGHT to go round and see my mother' as I passed her apartment block today on a brief exercise break in a heavy working day, even though she chooses to have no technology that would keep her in touch with the family and not to make friends with any of her fellow residents, and has given up walking despite having no real physical problems beyond natural ageing.

I no longer expect to earn her love, but still act more out of guilt and fear of what others will think if they find out that I really wish my mum hadn't moved to just down the road from us (her idea, not ours)!

My husband is much 'kinder' to my mother than I am because she favours (i.e. relies on) him and he wasn't brought up to doubt his own value or whether he was loved, as I was. This caused a great deal of friction between us before lockdown, but it seems he is less willing to be her errand boy now after eight months off!

I am a Christian and it can sometimes make the dilemma worse, as you can be led to feel you are bad for not 'laying down your life' for your parent. But that is a misreading of scripture, I think. I too have had counselling this year and it is helping, but it will take ages to undo the erosion of my identity over 50+ years and I doubt I shall ever be truly free till my mother passes.

I was not the scapegoat, but the middle child. Older sib given money for various things and moved a 15 hour drive away and younger given much monetary assistance who then abandoned the family. I was responsible (my choice) since the other two were not around to help mom and dad in their mis 80s and beyond. It is interesting that the child who received the least attention paid the parents the most. Mom and dad tried to remain independent of my help as long as they could and I respected that, but I bore it all after they couldn't. Mom and dad were appreciative, tho.

I am the only girl in the family. When my mom left, it was me and 3 boys. (2 older, 1 younger). I became "mom". Than after high school, my wild side came out and I traveled for a while, waiting tables in disco's and having fun. Came back home, got married, divorced after 5 years, and went to college. I don't know why, but my father turned on me and verbally abused me non stop thru letters from his new home in FL. And my brothers joined in. They had all moved out of state except my alcoholic brother. Over the next 15 years, I took care of my gramma, my aunt, my brother, another aunt and than after the elders passed, I moved to small town in TN where I did not know a soul, and had never even been before. Bought a house over the internet and moved. 1 year later, my alcoholic brother sold his house in MI and bought one 2 blocks away from me in my blissful little paradise I had created for myself, free from family drama and abuse. Shortly after, he had 3 strokes and there I was, back in the thick of it. Taking care of my brother, no help from family, just verbal abuse. I tried to sell my house but it was 2008 and it sat for 2 years. Than, 3 years ago I got sick and could no longer care for my brother. The family turned their back on me when I needed help. Said I was a hypochondriac. I have been in bed 3 years and not one visit from family. The illness is a rare disease not treated here. I have asked for help selling my house and moving home for treatment, but they won't. They just tell themselves I'm making it up so they can live free of guilt and inconvenience. They yell at me, and say the most awful things. Now, only one brother speaks to me.
I think the answer to your question is that they molded you with their abuse. Maybe you are very compassionate, but in their eyes they see compassion, empathy and sensitivity as weakness. Until they got sick. Then your gifts of compassion and empathy are used against you by expecting you to be the caregiver.
My advice. Go live the life you want and deserve. If you want to care for them, do so. If not, don't. They made their bed by destroying you with blame, accusations, and gaslighting. You don't owe them anything. You paid your dues with the affect their abuse has had on you. You paid with your happiness and sanity. Buy an RV, grab a dog, and hit the road. Travel, meet people, create your bliss. Call them on holidays and if they try to guilt you, tell them "Oh...let me call you back. Someones at the door or I have another call". Hang up and call a month later.
I'll go with you bc I have had it. LOL. Kidding. My Dad passed and my brothers don't care about me so I'm grieving the loss of my life and my family. Trying to find treatment so I can live. Than I will be carefree again, I pray.
I wish you happiness and joy!! You deserve it!!

The person who was the scapegoat can always say, "I can't do it." I got to that point.

I think it is because we always think If I just do this, or that, they will love me. People have a great need to be loved by their parents. I did, not that it did me any good. As my mother said, "I never cared about you. I never cared if you had food or clothes, I just didn't care."

I had about 6 years of therapy, it helped a lot. I saw to her care, never with me again. My brother (the Golden Child) would see her about once a year. Before I sought help, my husband had her come live with us in a Granny apartment downstairs. It helped break up our marriage. After awhile, I could stand to touch her, To the day she died at almost 95, I could not stand for her to touch me.

I highly recommend therapy, not so called "Christian" type, but someone who can really help you get a backbone.

I wouldn't say that we had a "scapegoat" in the family, though Mom and Dad, being human, certainly had their favorites. I wasn't a favorite. The 3rd daughter (no sons at that point), curious and very active, and very much unplanned to boot, I didn't even come close to favorite. Later my brother, then another sister were also born. That little sister and I were least favorite. The only son, the first daughter and the nicest child sort of traded places as favorites. The #2 daughter was nicest: she was pretty, charming, and eager to please; a quiet child in a noisy family. We all liked her best or next to best.

That favored child is the one who is the principle caretaker of our mother, not the least favored, though we also assist in her care. In every case we each do what we choose to do for Mom. Although we do not agree on what Mom needs or should have, we sort of mash out an understanding of who is doing what, when. Except the brother, who does nothing. (This is so often a thing, I wonder why.)

I think something that happened in our family that does not happen in all families is that we grew up, left home, and redefined ourselves as adults when we were still in our 20's and 30's. At various times and distances we each had long periods in our lives when our principle influences and acquaintances were completely unrelated to us. I really do believe that most families are dysfunctional on some level and that we do ourselves a big favor to learn who we are when we are not in that family situation that hurt us when we were growing up. The scars are still there, and some of the memories from my childhood still hurt when I think of them. However, I learned that I am not that hurt child, I am the person I choose to be now, instead.

In our 50's we started coming back together again, very gradually. It was a rather tentative process, but we each learned who the others had become. We sisters are now family again and we can enjoy some of the memories of happy times together, though we don't identify the same events as happy times. It is good knowing each other again. We will always be getting over our childhood and our struggles, but we will also always be accepting of who each of us is now. That is the keystone of our family happiness now that we are quickly moving into our 70's. Two sisters are already in their 70's, I turn 70 in December, the youngest in 2.5 years.

That may be more about me than you wanted to read, but I put it all out there to get to the next point: it is never to late to become the person you want to be instead of the child who reacted to whatever was dysfunctional in the family. No, it is not your mother's right to demand of you what she never did for you. Neither would it be her right to demand things she did do for you. She made her choices and you get to make your choices.

Set aside time for yourself to discover yourself, relate to friends of your choosing, and enjoy the person you want to be. You may no longer have decades to bring that adult in you to its full power, but you do have time to reclaim the most important parts of yourself.

Do what YOU think that YOU want to do with and for your mother and do not feel any guilt about leaving some slack in her life. You may have had no choice about your life as a child, but you do have choices now. You could even choose to stop caregiving altogether if that is what you really want. At this point, it is not about your mother's wishes as much as it is about what YOU want to do for her. It is neither a good or a bad thing to care for your mother's needs. It is a good thing for you to do what you choose to do for her and a good thing, also to do what you need to do for yourself. Whatever you choose to do, pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you make good decisions for yourself.

I was neglected as a child and abused by my older siblings. I willingly took on responsibility for my mother because I had the most flexibility to do so. I once had to let my mother know that if she yelled at me ever again, I would simply leave. I had to tell my older sister that she had no right at all to tell me what I should do in order to care for my mother. My brother ignores us pretty much. My siblings both live out of state, and I have stood up by ignoring them completely. I am in control now, I am no longer the scapegoat, I am no longer influenced by them at all.
However, I made the choice to care for my parent in her elderly years. I am in charge and no one is allowed any longer to tell me what to do or when to do it. I am trying to tell you to be bold, take care of your sanity and show yourself self-love. If your parent is abusive, it is likely time to look for alternative living conditions.
I am lucky. My parent realizes that I came through for her. Yes, I am happy to finally be in charge, and I am happy to show that all along, my siblings were self-absorbed, They are performing true to form. For me, there is some redemption in being the reliable child, in being the responsible child. I needed that so that I could come out of the rut of self-criticism and doubt I had learned as a child.

Funny... I am the family scapegoat and I care for my mom in my home. She is in a hospital bed, cannot move or speak, needs to be fed with a syringe, changed, bathed, moved with a Hoyer, etc. My brothers (local) visit once or twice a year and don’t even wish me a Happy Birthday. From what I’ve read, the scapegoat child is usually the most sensitive and eager to please. I never want anyone to feel as alone or unloved as I did, so I go out of my way to make sure those around me don’t feel that way. I agree with bb1123... the scapegoat is the least self-centered. My two brothers actually demanded that I split the $12/hour pay I receive from Medicaid with them. (They actually expected me to send them each $4/hour... and my older brother is a multi millionaire.) Every penny I earn goes toward mom’s food and supplies. We went to court over this and the judge did not agree with them. That’s how unbalanced and bizarre this situation is. Hang in there and know you will go to the Highest Heaven.

The scapegoat of the family never turned into a narcissist. Any ideas of exaggerated self-worth had been squashed decades ago. They are empathetic and have something called guilt and even shame. Even if the relationship to the parent is strained and even though they have resentment, even anger, they know right from wrong. The "favorites" don't. They are used to someone else taking the blame and responsibility. In their minds, they have no obligation to the parent who spoiled them. Let Cinderella do it. She will, you know.
I've seen this time and again and in my own family. I was neither the scapegoat or the favorite in one setting, but could have done more to help. I regret I didn't. In my husband's family, he was the scapegoat and we were the ones left standing when everyone else deserted the old dear. It isn't fair or right, but it is how it is. Don't let it ruin your life. You may have to make hard choices, but put you and your family first. The least the others could do is pay you. Yes. Pay you as they would a caretaker. It helps with resentment and is really only fair. All the best.

I totally DISAGREE with the answers below....they have the "blame the victim" approach here.

It's because we have the "caring & responsible genes turned on"...and the others...don't...it is that basic.

I will write more later....but don't take it personally, that is a treatment that you are asking for or something you need. That is just textbook, easy way out approach, and most every situation is NOT textbook... in my humble opinion. : )

Set boundaries. There’s an excellent book by Townsend titled ‘Boundaries’.
And once you’ve set those boundaries, stick to them.
My elderly father tried once to yell at me. That was once and won’t happen again. He knows I’ll walk off. I choose not to be a scapegoat.
I care for both parents who still live in their own home. Meals, housework, meds etc.

It is indeed a terrible and thankless situation you are in. You cannot change how people choose to treat you but you can choose how you react to how they treat you. I also am the family scapegoat. Some family members, namely my only sibling, will never change how they treat me but I have finally realized (late in life) that I can choose how to react to them. My advice, do what is best for you. Your first responsibility is to take care of you. Then do the best you can for your elder or step away if you cannot handle the abuse. When others in the family criticize you IGNORE, yes IGNORE THEM. No response. This is not easy to do but with time you will learn to put your own well being first rather than defend yourself to family members criticisms of you. Remember, whenever you respond to their criticism of you, you are reinforcing their belief they have the right to crtiticize / judge you. Silence as response works best for a family scapegoat.
Took me a long time to learn this and it's still hard not to respond but no reponse dowses the fire rather than fueling it. I wish you the best Burnt Caregiver. Believe in yourself and take your power back from those unworthy to hold it. Your life has value regardless of how they view you. You are caregiving while others are critcizing. You are the better person. Bless you.

I think you are confusing your personal situation with reality. Usually, the carer ends up being the most responsible and/or most guilt ridden or proximate member of the family, whether they are the family scapegoat or not. The decision may be driven by other siblings refusal to take responsibility, either passively by making excuses that seem valid on the surface, or actively by refusing to care for a parent because of a poor relationship history. Sometimes carers take on the burden because they are lonely, believe they have something to gain financially, need a roof over their own head or have more money and/or more flexibility than other members of the family. To hear most people on this forum tell it, once the decision is made, your siblings will leave
you with it for the duration. Once you make the commitment, you won’t get a reprieve unless you actively refuse to do it any longer and/or take steps to rid yourself of the parent any way you can. I’ve seen dozens of posts on this forum urging caregivers, without compunction, to do exactly that.

You need to tell your relatives NOW that you have no intention of taking care of your abusive parent and walk away. Get counseling, if necessary, to make the decision stick and communicate it to your siblings and other potential caregiver relatives. Because of your history and your current attitude, you are at higher risk of becoming an abuser yourself. Do not put yourself in that position by attempting to care for an elder you may resent or actually despise. Being a caregiver is hard enough for folks who love their parent(s); it’s almost impossible if you know your parent is going to continue a pattern of abuse while progressing daily to a more and more dependent and vulnerable state. For your sake snd the sake of your parent, make it clear that you are not going to do it. Even so, you must be prepared for the consequences when you do.

I can only relate to "half" of this. I was, out of 6 children in my family; the scapegoat of the family. My narcissistic father (who passed away in 2016) emotionally abused my mother and I. I'm now taking care of my 88 year-old mother, who has dementia. She was NOT abusive in any way. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you; but what you will get from me, is EMPATHY AND COMPASSION; because I know EXACTLY what it's like to deal with an abusive parent. God bless you BurntCaregiver. (((((((HUGS))))))) :)

As the family scapegoat I know how you feel. Your familial “role” is that of the scapegoat. Often during family crises these untoward roles resume. I think it is because your family is used to disparaging you. They disrespect you because you offer love even though that love is not reciprocated. This is a lifetime of learned behavior. You try to obtain their love and approval by availing yourself to them. Unfortunately this will never happen. Parents need a scapegoat to project their own insecurities, disappointments, and frustration. I have also noted that parents often cater to and feel sorry for the child who is the LEAST loving, caring, or successful. This is basically the same thing...but in reverse. Family dynamics are often difficult, inane and hurtful. They can tear families apart...and often the same dynamic is repeated in future generations. You subconsciously keep trying to get the familial love and approval you need and deserve. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the current situation and not allow your family to continually abuse you. I recommend seeing a mental health professional to help you sort this out, and realize this is NOT your fault. It took me a few years of introspection, counseling, and hard work to come to come to the realization that this pattern would continue. Only by changing my perspective was I able to take away their power to hurt me,

If it's true what you say, then I would let your parents know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way and let them know their choices of going into a home or having one of their other children that they showed love to take care of them.

Since nobody was asked to be born on this earth, it was the parents' obligation to care for you; you owe NOTHING to them. Nobody can force you to be caregiver. In fact, it will destroy your life. Now I willingly took care of my mom and never regretted it, but when she died that left me an emotional cripple which I am recovering after a year. I cannot imagine being *forced* to do it, which I would never recommend because you WILL need a good support system--someone is going to have to help you. And it also requires a healthy bankbook--caregiving is NOT cheap, and it costs money to live. Caregiving has other ramifications: It will affect your retirement. Eventually you will not be able to work at all, and that can last for years. Then they die and leave you without a means to support, and you are much older.

Get with a social worker, and get her on Medicaid.

I'm lucky. I'm employed after mom died, and I'm also in school. I'm trying to resume my life. However, because I love mom so much, this love causes considerable grief...and it is a basic understanding only the living suffer. Mom's suffering is over. Despite her extremely advanced Alzheimer's and many other illnesses such as insulin-dependent diabetes, she lived to be 90 with 15 years of Alzheimer's. Other diseases (chronic kidney disease and liver issues which she had for decades) from the complication of long-term insulin killed mom and Alzheimer's disease had nothing to do with it. In fact she did extremely well with tube feedings--she completely forgot how to swallow and drink, and I did not want her to die of dehydration which can take weeks. Mom did very well with her peg tube, never bothered it, and I got a "tube top" from Amazon to cover the tube. You have to put a covering because turning her could accidentally pull on the tube out--the "tube top" kept that from happening and is much more comfortable than any kind of abdominal binder. Her feeding tube took A LOT of care, but she never had a problem with it.

Did you know hiring a sitter is $20 an hour? They just sit and watch. Hands-on care is even more expensive.

If you are not willing to be caregiver, she will have to go to assisted living or a nursing home depending on their level of function. but DO NOT do it if you feel you are being forced into it.

But hey mom lived to be 90 with 15 years of Alzheimer's. I kept her going as long as I could and he was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months. She forgot how to stand and could not focus on that task. SO I made use of the Hoyer lift, and I had to change her about 5-6 times a day...and even had to manage her bowels with lactulose. You really NEED a Hoyer lift. Mom was on hospice for TWO YEARS. She never needed any narcotics or psychotropics. She only had symptoms of liver failure for one week before she died and did so very peacefully as hospice came over daily to make sure she was comfortable.

I understand that sometimes life dishes out unfair and offers an extra helping of irony as a side dish. Keep in mind, most of what we do in life, is by choice. Examine the situation and evaluate other choices. Maybe you have other options? There are financial programs and applications to get parents in assisted living. There are Social Workers that can help. If caregiving for abusive parents is not what you want, seek help.
Everyone vents and needs to vent. However, examine your true feelings, if you do not want to caregive, get help.
My dad was mean to me 7 months ago. I made a decision to Caregive anyway. I got meds for him that helped his moods. I joined 2 support groups for help. I have read 2 books on Dementia now.
I join a Zoom group every Tuesday for support.
You must either, get out of caregiving or get help.

If you grew up being the whipping post and scapegoat it's obvious that as an adult you allow that to go on. By accepting the job of caring for your abusive parents while there are other children in the family you are reinforcing the idea that you are able to be bullied.
I know that a divorce isn't quite the same but I had a lot of emotional abuse for 38 years. After the divorce and lots of therapy and self-reflection I came to a basic truth. PEOPLE TREAT US THE WAY WE TEACH THEM TO.
You have allowed this to go on. Do you think that at some point the family and your parents are going to wake up and see what a selfless person you are; if so you are so deluded. They will just keep on taking until you are a shell of yourself. If that is how you want to live your life that's up to you. But in order to change you need to cut ties and let someone else bear the burden for awhile.

Make an escape plan, now. Ask yourself, what is it that I want to do? How can I make that happen?

You may need skills you have to develop, resources you need to draw on, a way to make a living free from virtual bondage. Can you do that?

If not now, then when?

They have been training you for decades for this. To absorb abuse, say nothing, expect no fairness or justice. It's up to you to buck their system, and finally put your foot down. It doesn't matter what they expect; if they wanted you to care FOR them, they should have cared ABOUT you. Walk away and heal yourself with friends who love you.

I am speaking from experience and it took me a few years of managing moms care to get here...so trust me, I get it. 

Basically you have two choices.

Option 1: You can walk away.  Let everything hit the floor.  Your siblings will step in or the state will step in when it gets bad enough.                                                  Option 2:  Take the high road and make arrangements to place your parent in a clean safe assisted living facility or long term care facility...whichever one they need.  You can manage their care without having to get too emotionally involved.  Make decisions when they need made, pay the bills, etc.   If your extended family start offering their unsolicited advice, and trust me they will, just tell them you are more than willing to step back and let them do it.  That's all you need to say.  Don't debate anything.

You are an adult and you are in charge of your life.

It’s just a continuation of the abuse. It’s an illness. I stopped trying to understand the “why” of it and recognize the situation as unhealthy. I stopped expecting change from my parents and backed away. I worked hard to break my own victim pattern of behavior and surround myself with positive people. I cut my family off years ago. The bad talk and ridiculous expectations from your family will continue with or without you around to hear it.

There are those that will never understand and think you should step in and care for your parents because “they are your parents.” There are those that think healing will happen and you should easily “forgive.” That is what healthy families do - not our families. If we step back into the line of fire we are inviting misery and abuse back into our lives. Forgiveness for us means we move on with our lives and leave the misery behind.

I take care of my mother’s finances because there is no one else to do it. But I have no communication with her at all. I only speak to staff and medical providers. I have no expectations from her at all. It’s as if I’m caring for a mean stranger.

Good luck and thank you for posting and letting us share our own thoughts!

I am so sorry, truly. Is there ANY way you can get out of it? And just walk away and live your own life far way? Cut off all communication?

I know! Rubbish isn't it? I could kick myself and even that thought is inappropriate because it is exactly what I have been taught to do!
My parents trained me into the complaint, self effacing sibling. The others were free to be themselves, encouraged to be themselves!
As the daughter and the eldest, I was told to be what they thought I should be - compliant and responsible.
One thing I learnt late in the day is not to hate myself for not struggling out from under this. I tried but ended up succumbing. This thing is we have to remember that being manipulated from early childhood makes it very difficult to resist. Like all kinds of abuse it is formative. Like all kinds of abuse we are not at fault. Look after yourself and give yourself credit for identifying what is happening - it is a step towards control. x

I wouldn’t do it. I probably would have cut them out of my life a long time ago. Don’t do anything for them and don’t feel bad. You could help them find a nursing home and that would be all.

I think it is a continuation of the selfishness they have always displayed. The difference now is YOU have a choice to participate or not. You can make good care arrangements for them and step back.

I was in your shoes ( & it’s almost always a (or the) daughter): your education doesn’t matter - you’re supposed to give us grandchildren
AND stick around to take care of us! This is changing but way too slowly. <All siblings should contribute, not just “Cinderella”!!> Believe me, I know the resentment. Do what you can and try to forgive them, for your own peace of mind.

I always remind myself that the job of adult child to a senior parent is to make sure he/she/they are safe and healthy. It doesn't mean you have to do the caretaking, but make sure somehow that needs are met.

Of course, I have a difficult time caregiving the abusive parent in my life. My parents divorced and my dad will have nothing to do with me. He is cared for by public health and correctional facilities in the state he resides in.