Why does the caregiver get the worst side of the patient (mother) and everyone else gets the best side?

I had to read your post twice, because, it sounds like I might have written it. lol My mom is a lot like that, but, she doesn't have dementia, yet. She's had this behavior for over 25 years. Iv'e often said that if my mom had dementia, she'd forget about all her ailments and would be perfectly healthy. lol

It can be very frustrating to witness someone who complains that they are sicker than they have ever been in their entire life, moaning, wincing, crying and THEN, suddenly a special family member comes by and she jumps up like an athlete, offering to cook them a meal, do their laundry, all excited, chatting, etc. It cracks me up. Or, the phone can ring and she'll talk, laugh, cackle like she's at a school reunion for hours! Sometimes, she chats on the phone and cooks at the same time! She's fine. Then, hangs up and starts moaning, limping, complaining again. Mind you, she's very well monitored by her doctor and physically, she's fine. lol So, it's really more an exercise in patience and tolerance on the part of the caregiver. I feel your pain. It's sad that the caregivers are suffering this way. I often think how amusing it is that the woman they see and the woman I see are two different people. I'm trying to accept it. For me, it's been that way since I was a child, so, it's particularly impactful.

She has perhaps relaxed and become overly dependent on you. The problem is that the person we feel most comfortable with is the one we feel comfortable enough with to let it all hang out. And as you know, some of what hangs out isn't pretty. But we feel safe in being honest about ALL our feelings and fears and pains. So the person who most loves us gets the least pretty pieces. So sorry. Hang in there (as opposed to hanging "out".)

This sounds rather familiar. For three months in lockdown my mother has managed things fairly well on her own, with one carer visit a week for shopping. Now things are easing up she is back to ringing us to make phone calls for her (two when one was needed!) and saying it's great that we will be allowed back into her AL soon so she won't have the bother of coming down in the lift to meet us when we take her out or bring supplies. She too sits slumped in an old chair all day and then complains about muscle pain; she gets offended when anyone suggests even a tiny bit of exercise. She complained throughout lockdown about being stuck in a stuffy flat but now the communal garden is open again she won't go down to use it; we have to take her to our garden.

I wish I knew why she is sabotaging her own life - and affecting mine badly into the bargain.

I TOTALLY agree and understand, karbar. My mom also was rapidly deteriorating and my mom was also quite dishonest with my two sisters when they'd visit--she was ALL chipper, cutesy, super-engaged, would get 'dressed up', put on lipstick, and would let them drag her all over town to do things that were WAY beyond mom's capacity--then they'd blow out of town and mom would sleep for two days straight! My relationship with either sister was never very good, but is irreparably harmed and I've decided to stop even trying. When I'd (rarely) contact/communicate with either a phone call, and then strictly e-mail, they flat-out said I was being hysterical, that she was doing great, that I just couldn't 'deal' with 'it' because 'I was always high strung ...' and that I was 'lucky' to be living with her, as I'd become both divorced after 30 years and unemployed after working for the same employer 30 years, just before I was 60. Neither the divorce nor the loss of employment were because of anything I'd done 'wrong'.

I never called my mom out on this repeated scenario, so I truly commend you for doing so--I never had the nerve to, but also assumed that it wouldn't be productive. Thank you, karber, for sharing with us; it gives me strength to hear from others who share my own experience and understand me. Together we are all stronger!

Kabar: Your post describes a manipulative person who is kind to others whilst abusing a scapegoated child(adult child, when everyone is older).
That personality type gets worse with age, but will consistently be nasty to their targeted adult-child, whilst treating everyone else differently.
Clinically it's termed Narcissistic personality disorder,

But the general population has hijacked that word, so with client's I'll use the descriptives Asshat and/or (psychologically abusive chameleon) to describe an abusive person who switches personality traits depending upon the audience.

WHY?? does your mom switch her act, depending on her audience?
To both upset you, and to get attention from others.
It's a never-endingsick and twisted game, with them.

BTW That psychologically manipulative chameleon, is in complete control of her actions and CHOOSES to abuse you.
She pretends to be clueless, to throw-you-off.
Remember those who are clueless treat everyone the same.
Clueless Meanies, are mean to everyone, they aren't just mean to us behind closed doors.

Your mother is MANIPULATING YOU When you're around, your mom is PRETENDING to be weak by barely functioning, It's manipulation b/c when outsiders are around your mother has enough strength to at least function,
When it's her and you, she PRETENDS to be unable to talk,
Voila suddenly that reverses when someone calls her, it's a miracle! Clap Clap

Your mother acts, and I emphasize the word ACTS, because that performance manipulates you into responding. She LOVES your responses,; it's her con game to get you to focus on her, giving her 100% of your attention.

Are you tired of her nonsense? then change your responses to ignoring her bullshit, stop responding the way you've been trained.

Tell her zero of what you know, otherwise she will up her game to provoke you more. Remember she's an expert in manipulation.

Because you let them.

Stop caregiving if she treats you like that.

Because your mother's communications with other people are brief and superficial. That's why. It's easy to be chipper for fifteen minutes.

Then there are your expectations, which are also different from those of other people. The person you know your mother as is the person she was as a fully-functioning adult throughout your life, and you are still hoping and waiting for that person to come back to you. But if she's been deteriorating for seven years... there are going to be parts of her which are conking out. She'll be tired. She'll be apathetic. She probably won't be very good tempered about it, either.

I see both sides of this nowadays. We had a briefing on a gentleman who, because of family crisis, was staying with his son and DIL. "Needs constant prompting," we were told. "May become agitated and aggressive." Since our job is to guide him through his morning and bedtime routines, this was not the most reassuring of introductions.

In my first handover notes I commented that Mr M "could not have been more co-operative or more appreciative." He had indeed needed some prompting to stay on track; but whereas his son's idea of "prompting" during breakfast prep had been to interrogate his father - "come on, Dad. We went through this last night. Where's the cereal? I showed you. Where is it?" - we are trained to stand back and intervene as little as possible to guide the person through the task.

I made all the allowances I could for stress, unfamiliarity with the routine, lack of understanding etc. but the truth is I wanted to slap the son. I did get to discuss the difficulties on another occasion with the DIL, who happens to be a senior nurse, and she explained that Son is finding it very difficult to adjust to his father's frailty.

On top of this I could also tell that the father's perfect manners towards me, and his thanks for my help, must have been very galling to the son. Where were the perfect manners and the warm appreciation at two in the morning, when the son had been helping his father find the bathroom in a hurry?

I was a complete stranger to the elderly gentleman, but a) I was wearing uniform, b) I had no expectations of him, and c) my only interest was in enabling him to carry out a prescribed series of small tasks. Some of the tasks were very personal. I ensured he washed and dried himself thoroughly. I prompted him to rinse his mouth clean of toothpaste before returning his partial denture. I found his lost hearing aids, which he'd mistakenly placed in his electric shaver's case. None of these small points was distressing for me, of course; but they would all have created twinges of despair in the man's son. For God's sake, Dad!

It is very different when it's your parent. I know that: I was my mother's caregiver first. But it isn't just because you're on duty 24/7, though heaven knows exhaustion plays its part. There is also the weight of expectations that you have of her from what she used to be. What are you calling her out on? What are you being "hard" on her about?

My mom is the same way. I believe they just find us boring. LOL

I have seen this behavior as well.  I think the people she's putting on a show for are not the ones who can or will help her.  She enjoys those people, but you are the one in charge.  You can and will help her, so she's making certain that you don't somehow forget her needs (or "needs" as the case may be).     I think some elders are afraid to not be complaining such that someone might think they don't need the attention?  Complaining to outsiders may or may not help them so they don't bother.

I think it's easier to be seen at your worst when you are with people who you are comfortable with. I see this all the time even with my own spouse. We can be arguing in the car and five minutes later he is all sunshine and light around the general public.

You could almost take it as a compliment although I know it's frustrating but it's a sign that they don't need to put on a smiling act when you are around.

For instance I have this sister who is very la de da. When people go over to her place for Christmas etc. they all put on their best bib and tuck. Now when they come to my place it's jeans and a t-shirt. Yeah, it would be nice to think I inspired some kind of let's be at our best but the fact they can relax in my presence is a good thing I think.

You are mom's safe person and she can be herself with you. She knows you will never leave. It is very frustrating because my mom's young sitter gets to enjoy mom's charm and wit. I get the feeble invalid with nothing but complaints. It is exhausting and I see my mom almost everyday but I try to decrease the length of the visits and keep myself busy tidying up when she starts to complain.

It's a bit like the person who is suing because s/he was "hurt in an accident" that was someone else's fault--but is found to be dancing, etc. when no one is expected to be watching. Maybe one should say "oh, I see you CAN do such-and-such--keep doing it!" and then take more of a "hands-off" approach.

As for the change of disposition (pleasant toward outsiders, nasty to family), one doesn't have to have dementia to be this way--we have a person in our family like this.

If it's any consolation, my colicky daughter did that, too. She'd cry for hours on end, but if the doorbell rang and someone came to visit, she'd turn on her "company manners" and be the adorable baby. As soon as the door closed behind the visitor, the yowling would resume.

It's a dance between the two of you and I can't tell you how to break it, but it's a therapist's dream to teach people how to break those patterns.

I had the opposite when I was the caregiver. She would function and be more independent when it was just me and her but all of a sudden she is so helpless when family was around to have control and be manipulative. It worked because my family would make me stay at her side 24/7 and felt like she could not be alone but would not want help even though they have their opinions and suggestions for me to do more. They would compete to leave so quick so they would not be stuck with her.

I would call my grandma and catch her and tell her to be more independent and I see that she can do it and she would calm down about it

I would suggest that you take advantage when family is over since she is more independent and take time to yourself. See if you can leave while they are there. Maybe it's not a manipulative thing and having family around makes her happier and stronger

Imho, your mom is able to "actress" for a brief moment in time when she talks to her friends because it's not a long duration. When she is alone with you, her caregiver, she is not portraying a role or on "her best behavior." She doesn't want her friends to know the truth, perhaps. You've known her for your entire life, whereas there is a good possibility that some of her friends have not. Case in point - my mother's friends said "There is not one thing wrong with your mother; she wears nice clothing and has her hair fixed nicely." Me - "My mother has CHF, A-Fib, is legally blind and has VERY low blood pressure of 60/40; that's why I had to move in with her." If there is a take away from this, most certainly my mother did "LOOK" well for all intents and purposes, but nothing could have been further from the truth.

I wish I had an answer for you but unfortunately I'm going through the same thing. My Mom perks right up when one of my siblings visits her but as soon as the visit is over she goes back to being depressed. I try talking to her but it's pointless because of her dementia. She worries about my siblings but thinks that I can handle anything. She even told me that she's not leaving me any inheritance because she gives me money now! The money she gives me helps pay bills since I quit my job to take care of her full time. I just keep praying for Jehovah to give the strength to continue every day. 😔

My wife who has no use of either leg and oly partial @5%) use of her right arm, full use of left , although she's like most of the world, right handed is also bipolar.
For about 35 of our 36 years of marriage all of her many psych dr's remind me that ""They" always take the most(also the worse) out on the ones they love the most"I have to remind myself of this daily. It helps some but I get tired of being the dumpster that gets all the trash dumped on them.

Because they know you are not going anywhere and they're used to abusing you.

My mother perks up when ANYBODY but me comes to visit. Having witnessed this for years and years, it still rankles me when I am there and one of the other sibs show up and I am summarily 'dismissed'.

My DH is far kinder to ANYONE in the world than he is to me. He's often said he wonders why I've stayed.