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Just wondering if maybe I am over reacting to emails from my sister. My mother is deteriating with dementia.  She has been hoarding things for years, and her house is a mess. I have lived abroad for nearly 10 years and all my sister does is bash me. She goes on and on in emails about every detail of cleaning and spending money to travel and take our mother to appointments, etc. However, I have terminal cancer (stage 4 for the last 2 years). I go home as often as I can and when I do, I do clean and try to orginize things. I am exhausted, but do what I CAN. My mother's doctor told my sister (who is older) to "pretend" that her daughters really liked old clothes, just to get them out of the house. I get that. Then my sister states that they are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts with no ulterior motives. Then she goes on to state that our Mom gave the granddaughters "avon" jewelry and that half of it was donated and the other half the girls would sell online. I thought to myself, really? Why not donate all of it? I stated that these things, should go to the children first, then the grandchildren and I was bashed for saying that and told that I should come and stay and get to work! She also stated that she will not update me on my mother's health and if I wanted to know how she was doing to be physically present. I was just so hurt. I broke down. I do make trips often, when I can afford to. I am a freelancer here and if I do not work, I do not get paid. Yes, I am still working with terminal cancer and I just find this response from my sister to be quite disheartening. I have my treatment and it is life or death if I do not have my treatments. Many people do not understand the side effects of cancer treatments and traveling during the pandemic, well, that is just irresponsible. I went last year in November, prior to Thanksgiving to help, visit and do what I could to avoid the travel period of Thanksgiving  and not get sick. Her emails are so long, I just do not get it. She says she is not complaining, but "we have spent this $ on this and that" and so on. I am without words. I have avoided Christmas, because I do not want to go to their house because it is just not pleasant and it completely stresses me out. Am I wrong to feel this way? Anyone else in a similar situation? Thank you in advance for your response.

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She is defensive and sees anything you say contrary to what she has done or is planning to do as criticism, no doubt this is a dynamic that isn't new. You need to be very mindful of the fact that dealing with these things in theory as you are and dealing with them in real life as your sister and her family do are very different things, unless she is doing something wildly inappropriate or illegal you need to support every single decision she makes. Unless you are willing to cut all ties I think you have to be the one who takes the high road in order to restore peace, at this point you have nothing to lose so even when you don't agree just go along and then change the subject neutral.
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It takes two to bicker. Step away from whatever the family involved in the care of Mom's last years are doing. Does any of that really matter? I think not.
You are involved in the fight of your life and I surely wish you the best with it.
I think you sisters may have quite a history of this bickering. You have formed some habits around this. If this is the way you interact normally and you still wish to do so, then by all means, continue to engage. If, however, you wish NOT to engage, then say that right now you need to get off the phone because it's time for your meditation.
I have another lovely idea for you, because I can tell you IT SURE WORKS FOR ME! Let them know that at this point the phone hurts your ear. That you have to test, and because your fingers are sore and don't work well, those have to be brief. My release came about normally when my right ear lost it's hearing and my left shoulder couldn't easily hold the phone. Calls became an almost instant headache. I love my release from the phone.
There are a million ways you can get rid of folks you need release from. In fact, when I was fighting breast cancer I simply said "Sorry, I need uplifting stuff in my life right now; I am avoiding needless angst. Part of my healing journey".
And on you go.
You can't change others. You CAN change you. It just takes practice.
I wish you good health!
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I think it time to place Mom. If she has no money ur sister can apply for Medicaid. You should not even travel. Your immune system is compromised already. I think a letter from your doctor should be written explaining that ur stage 4 and should no longer be traveling.

If you can, send money to offset some of sisters expenses. I think she is expecting alot from someone fighting cancer.
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