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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mother in law has dementia, and she calls me names and then denies saying it or she'll kick my foot and tell me to "be nice" after saying something rude to me. It's like a disassociative personality and even her doctor has witnessed it.
Because she can get away with it. Ignore her completely, get up and leave the room. Stop waiting on her like a unpaid servant. When she kicks your foot, kick her right back and tell her SHUT UP.
I was so lucky to have such a wonderful MIL (for 20 years), she even admitted her son was a jerk, and I said it was NOT her fault when I divorced him. I was the only one who got up and spoke at her funeral, shocking the entire family.
After that, her 3 sons (including my Ex) never gave me any crap whatsoever, and 2 have since died. I set my Ex up for life as well, when his HOA tried to take his equity.
Ok . So the woman did this to another in her younger years . I will tell you how my mother’s doctor explained it to me .
Your MIL no longer has a filter . This is who she was and it is now on steroids because of dementia . For some unknown reason she thinks you are her number one enemy . It’s common for the woman caregiver they see the most to take the brunt of things . Doc also said my mother was being so manipulative because that’s how her brain is wired and she’s now in default mode without any filter to stop some of it .
It still baffles me that Mom could not do simple things . But she could plan to call the police on me and lie about me because she was angry I sold her house . BTW , I wasn’t the one who told her the house sold . She proceeded to admit she lied to the police “ because she was angry with me .”
Doc also told me there often comes a time when a parent with dementia can no longer be cared for by family . Mom saw me as a disobedient child .
I am so sorry this is happing to you, and your husband, and you MIL. Please just take one day at a time, discuss what can be changed to fix these issues either your husband. PTSD and burnout are HORRIBLE!!!
You definitely need time for yourself to heal. Maybe an at home caregiver can come there, or maybe a dementia facility. When she says mean things, try to let it roll off your back like water on a duck. Try to ignore it. She is probably not able to control what is happening in her brain.
She will not live forever, and you need to keep your sanity.
Good that your husband sees a problem here and is willing to place her.
Have you ever thought that she thinks you are the other DIL she did not care for. Dementia is so unpredictable. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I am sure my Mom thought I was her Mom.
Do you want to know why? Is that the question? This feels like a rhetorical question. Or perhaps, you just needed to vent and share.
The reason is, she has dementia. Her mind is not under her control. She could possibly have some underlying mental illness which is showing itself.
Have you ruled out a UTI? This can cause unusual behavior such as you are experiencing. And it can be treated.
We all know how difficult it is dealing with someone who has literally "lost their mind". I'm sorry to say, it won't get better, and there is nothing you can do about it. You can learn more about her condition. And just know to expect odd behavior and unexpected insults. Try and ignore the things she says, and re-direct her attention to something more positive. Or, just turn your back and leave. Do not attempt to correct her or argue with her or ask her why she did something. It is futile to argue with someone with dementia. It will only result in more anger, confusion and hurt feelings - on both sides.
I wish you patience and a sense of humor as you navigate this new journey. You will need both to survive it!
I've just retired completely from being a caregiver for the last 17 years, so I'm aware of the behaviors associated with Dementia. The baffling questions, insisting she did something and knowing that she hasn't. It's frustrating because she only calls me names and not in front of my husband(her son).
Has she always been like this? My mom even when young didn't mind calling someone names or insulting them to their face. If this is a new thing, it's the dementia probably.
If she has been like this in her younger years it was specifically aimed at her older son's 2nd wife. And let me tell you, she didn't hide her displeasure about the wife...she said it openly and loudly. I think the name calling is more aimed towards the daughter that doesn't live here and she feels comfortable in saying it to me. And yes, placement is in the works and not soon enough! My husband found out these past few weekends EXACTLY what a caregiver does and he wasn't happy.
Dementia sometimes exaggerates behaviors or traits that were long suppressed. That’s one of many possible explanations. Truly, with dementia there are no rules of behavior. I’ve read your other answers, seems you’re completely burned out and resentful in this role. No judgment, just truth, an easy place to be in when you didn’t ask for the huge job and it’s not even your own mother. In your shoes, I’d firmly tell hubby and his family that I wasn’t doing it anymore, go back to work, and let them figure out a new plan. A burned out, resentful, frustrated caregiver isn’t good for their mother, and it’s certainly not good for you. I wish you peace
Thank you for seeing my burned out mess. I spoke to her doctor and home Healthcare will be coming to the house this week to assess her needs and bring in a new caregiver(obviously not me) and I am grateful for that. On another note, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and caregiver burnout. And that was my doctor's diagnosis.
Because she has dementia which makes her unable to empathize, makes her self centered and lots of other ugly things. If her doctor has witnessed this behavior and is confused by it, then she needs a new doctor who understands dementia. Ugly behavior is one of many reasons Memory Care Assisted Living facilities are popping up on every street corner in the USA.
God forbid you ever have a loved one who has Dementia. Both of my grandma's had Dementia and lost the ability to speak such hurtful words to me. I've never experienced this in all my years as a paid caregiver but my mother in law thinks it's okay.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I was so lucky to have such a wonderful MIL (for 20 years), she even admitted her son was a jerk, and I said it was NOT her fault when I divorced him. I was the only one who got up and spoke at her funeral, shocking the entire family.
After that, her 3 sons (including my Ex) never gave me any crap whatsoever, and 2 have since died. I set my Ex up for life as well, when his HOA tried to take his equity.
If she is nasty, get up and leave...every time. She can't be mean to you if you don't give her an audience.
Your MIL no longer has a filter . This is who she was and it is now on steroids because of dementia . For some unknown reason she thinks you are her number one enemy . It’s common for the woman caregiver they see the most to take the brunt of things . Doc also said my mother was being so manipulative because that’s how her brain is wired and she’s now in default mode without any filter to stop some of it .
It still baffles me that Mom could not do simple things . But she could plan to call the police on me and lie about me because she was angry I sold her house . BTW , I wasn’t the one who told her the house sold .
She proceeded to admit she lied to the police “ because she was angry with me .”
Doc also told me there often comes a time when a parent with dementia can no longer be cared for by family . Mom saw me as a disobedient child .
PTSD and burnout are HORRIBLE!!!
You definitely need time for yourself to heal. Maybe an at home caregiver can come there, or maybe a dementia facility. When she says mean things, try to let it roll off your back like water on a duck. Try to ignore it.
She is probably not able to control what is happening in her brain.
She will not live forever, and you need to keep your sanity.
Best of luck to you all
🙏❤️🍀
Have you ever thought that she thinks you are the other DIL she did not care for. Dementia is so unpredictable. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I am sure my Mom thought I was her Mom.
This feels like a rhetorical question. Or perhaps, you just needed to vent and share.
The reason is, she has dementia. Her mind is not under her control. She could possibly have some underlying mental illness which is showing itself.
Have you ruled out a UTI? This can cause unusual behavior such as you are experiencing. And it can be treated.
We all know how difficult it is dealing with someone who has literally "lost their mind". I'm sorry to say, it won't get better, and there is nothing you can do about it. You can learn more about her condition. And just know to expect odd behavior and unexpected insults. Try and ignore the things she says, and re-direct her attention to something more positive. Or, just turn your back and leave. Do not attempt to correct her or argue with her or ask her why she did something. It is futile to argue with someone with dementia. It will only result in more anger, confusion and hurt feelings - on both sides.
I wish you patience and a sense of humor as you navigate this new journey. You will need both to survive it!