The Care Center my dad lives in recently opened for visitors on March 24th.
My dad did not have visitors for over a year as they closed the doors March 12th in Montana. My dad is confused and I don't know how he survived for over a year without family! I Skype with him a few times. He lost weight and his quality of life is nonexistent.
My brother has said 3 times(!) He would show up for a visit and never does! My dad is a widow and I am his only visitor at this point. My husband visits a little also.

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My sister and I live in the same neighborhood as my parents and she hasn't been there since Christmas despite my dad needing constant care. I finally had to accept that she isn't coming, she's not going to help, and Im on my own. It helped me a lot to just accept it. It hurts knowing that a sibling could leave a parent to die alone. At least he has you. Be thankful that you can still have some experiences with your father and that he isn't completely alone.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to TheBurningBush

My brother lived first a mile from my mom's nursing home, then lived IN HER HOUSE (also a mile away), and still never went to see her unless I was there, too.

I can't explain why he acts like that because he does care about her, but he doesn't handle old people and their infirmities well, I guess. I don't worry about it anymore. I moved Mom closer to me (I live an hour from her last place), and he's been to see her a total of four times in two years.

I can't control his behavior, and I'm not going to stress myself out over it. As with many things I can't control, I just say "it is what it is" and move on.

Don't tell your dad your brother is coming to visit, so he won't be disappointed. If Bro shows up, it'll be a nice surprise.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MJ1929

Only you brother can answer that.

Sone people just don't like being in places like old folks homes and Hospitals as it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Maybe he just doesn't like seeing Dad like this.

Maybe he doesn't know what to talk about.

You should tell him that it hurts yours and Dad's feelings that he doesn't go and to please visit Dad once a week as he doesn't have anything else to look forward too.

Ask your brother if he would like to visit while you're there too.

Can you pick Dad up from the place or wheelchair him outside for a picnic?

Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to bevthegreat

Well, we can all try to guess why your brother doesn't show up, or you could just ask him.

Three dates he's let go by in less than two weeks. Depending on how firm the arrangement was, how far he has to come and what else he has to organise, that doesn't sound like he's determined never to let your father see him again.

Pick up the phone and call him. There's probably a good reason, and you can encourage him in a positive, cheerful way to drop in as soon as he can.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Countrymouse

Not an excuse but maybe an explanation
It is very hard for all of us to see any loved one decline.
And the thought of visiting..
What do I say
What do we talk about
How am I going to sit and do noting for an hour or more
It is a Saturday, I have worked all week and I have stuff that needs to get done around the house
It is Saturday and I have worked all week and I want some time for myself to unwind
I hate the smell of that place, it smells like, urine, poop, old people....
That is not the way I want to remember dad
He will not know if I visited, and/or he won't remember I was there

Don't concern yourself with your brother not visiting,. That choice is on him not you.
If dad asks say.."I don't know when he is going to visit."
When dad dies your brother will miss him as much as you do, he will feel sad like you will. Will he be sorry that he did not visit more, possibly. But it is not your responsibility to make sure he visits. your brother is an adult his actions and the consequences are his.
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Reply to Grandma1954
gdaughter Apr 10, 2021
Nailed it again Gram. How can one person (like you) be so darn smart? And this explanation falls no doubt on the siblings that have moved away except they have the convenient excuse of distance, and cost/now covid risks of traveling. My sibling took off ahead of the aging crisis mode to avoid it all and leave it in my lap with a comment about how I was entitled to my life as well (obviously her own selfish perspective and not caring to do a thing for her parents) and if mom and dad couldn't manage put them in a home or someplace. In fact you may have read prior here in my comments that this same sibling (my only) claimed I brought my own serious illness (aortic dissection from which most die) on myself and made my own decisions in re to my life (continuing to live with our parents while I work part time as a social worker no less). Yes I skipped marrying a loser and watching my savings blow away through a messy divorce as she did. Yes I do feel an obligation toward these demanding and exhausting people that trigger the high blood pressure I didn't know I had which contributed to my illness no doubt. She feels zero responsibility for anyone. Was out of work and could have been here, but I understood her need to be home to tend to two elder kitties whom she had no one to trust to look after them. Rarely responds to my emails which at times I let her know exactly what is going on here. I suspect an email from me is automatically deleted. It all makes me so sad because while my 98 year old mother is the one diagnosed with dementia, my father who will be 104 in less than a month is becoming perhaps because of my own recuperation, seemingly more stupid and demanding. I am haunted by a comment the neurologist made when assessing mom...that sometimes older people are a tack:-) I am nearing retirement but currently working remotely which is both a blessing and a curse. Yesterday was an absolute nightmare and I am still exhausted from the episode which started with my going downstairs for something to eat and witnessing a trail of poop smears from the door of our kitchen to the opposite side (about 15-20 feet--it's oblong). And when I walked in there was literally a pile of soft poop on a rug by the kitchen sink. She had walked in it and then went on a tour of the family room leaving a trail. My father had obviously seen it and in his inept cleaning style had made a huge spot on the small powder room (flat) carpet. And he had left. He can't comprehend that she cannot be left alone. I took my pup out and while my mother is prone to constantly UNlocking the damn door, while we were outside she LOCKED us out. She was standing within feet of the door when I noticed and pounded and screamed and cursed to open the door/let us in, and proceeded to walk away. The saving grace was that my ignorant father left the gate unpadlocked and I had my set of housekeys with me as now I take no chances and lock our bedroom door when we we walked around to the front and got back in. I spent hours using disinfecting wipes cleaning the kitchen floor (might get to steam mop it later). She managed to lock me out AGAIN when I was outside scrubbing the ruined rug. And although he claimed to have tried to find what leaked in the cupboard, it was me at 12:30 AM who was looking for the source which was oddly a marinara sauce jar with a hole in the side. On the top shelf. And then he wants to know this AM how " I feel". Oh, and when he'd left the house, he'd gone to buy more rug cleaner, which is also ineffective. I sprayed with a particular pet product good for all the nasties, but never got back to it at the appointed time. The suggestion of nursing home etc will only generate more stress and result in my parents doing worse...running out of space to explain...but it's not an answer on many levels including financial and will only result in MORE stress for me. Per MD best way to help me is keep BP low. LOL.
This is what some people do. You cannot change your brother’s actions by being upset about them yourself.

“Promises made” become either “promises kept” or “promises broken”. It took me over a year, and several sessions with a good counselor, to understand that one of two POAs selected with trust and confidence by my LO would be 1,000 miles away for the hard stuff and the long haul.

I’m not sure it’s actually possible for any of us who have been locked away from LOs in residential care to assess how well or how poorly the folks in this situation fared, but whatever their situations were, we who love them MUST pick up the pieces wherever they’ve fallen, AND MOVE ON.

Don’t overestimate how much your father’s welfare depends on your absent brother, and for sure, don’t UNDERESTIMATE how much your contacts mean to him!

Your energy and love and strength are what your dad needs, whenever you can get to him. Don’t waste them on your brother’s conduct. This is what it is.

For your welfare AND YOUR DAD’S, LET IT GO.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AnnReid

You need to let this go. My brother has not visited my dad for a couple years. He calls him a few times a year but my dad doesn't know who he is anymore. We talked about this recently. He is grieving his loss of the dad he used to know and this is how he chooses to deal with it. I respect his decision. He prefers to remember him as he used to be.
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Reply to Babs75

"Why does my brother not come see my dad?"

That really is a question for your brother. Although many of us have similar experiences, the reasoning behind this is different for each person. If possible, call or visit with him and ask nicely if he is afraid or upset by seeing your once healthy dad like this. Ask if he would try a short visit with you there. If he really can't muster up enough to make the visit, encourage him to make contact in other ways. If dad can take phone calls or video chats, arrange that.

For us, it was my mother. The funniest part is neither brother had a clue about dementia or the cost of care. After the first place we checked out, BOTH immediately said "Gee, for that kind of money, I'd take her in!" Riiiight. OB isn't local, YB is. OB came up for checking out places and stayed with mom while he was here for a few days. When it came time to move her, I stayed out of it, requesting THEY do the move (I had done all the arranging and wanted no part in the move, expecting to get all the blame anyway.) She managed to "bruise" her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. OB had to deal with that when he came up and stayed the few days before. The injury delayed the move and YB used it to draft a fib letter from 'Elder Services' instructing her to go where we choose or they will place her. She had been refusing to move anywhere. This was just enough to get it done! So, OB came up a few times to assist with the condo and during his last visit, we went together the evening he arrived. All was good (I busied myself to give them time together.) If you could have seen her reaction when she saw him!!! So, one morning I suggested he pick up DD coffee/donuts and visit while I get ready, since he wasn't local this might be his last chance. Maybe 15-20m at best. No comment from him. When we had some down time later, I suggested he visit again. He refused, stating he "didn't know what to do with her." THIS from someone who would have her 24/7, with no help from us??? HAH! It was pretty clear he just couldn't handle it and refused to even try. So she repeats herself. So she might ramble. Just BE there!
YB initially would sometimes join us for the special occasions they had for holidays, mom's birthday, BBQ for all, etc., but it was like pulling elephant teeth just to get a response from him. I finally stopped asking. I had enough to do without chasing after a grown man (boy) who is 10 years younger than I!

"It is incredibly heartbreaking for my dad!"

I can imagine it is. Countless times she would ask me if I'd seen or talked to one or the other brother. I could only say not recently. Eventually she stopped asking. Out of sight, out of mind... Even though she was living life about 40 years ago, we were all adults by then, so she remembered me, knew who I was and so long as the conversation could be pushed along, to get out of the repetitive ruts, it was nice to visit. Those two have to live with not being there for her. Will they regret? Who knows. I really don't care. For various reasons, including more or less abandoning their mother, once all the paperwork is done, I am finished with them. The verbal and physical abuse was bad enough, along with ZERO emotional support, but to just forget your mother is inexcusable. I don't need them in my life.

"Why does it hurt me so bad?"

Probably because you can see how much it hurts your dad. If you can get some kind of answer from your brother, it might help you let this go. No guilt laid on him when you ask, just let him know you want to understand and encourage him to try a visit with you there or make contact without visits. If he isn't willing, then try to let it go. With dad, you can try making excuses for your brother (work, too far, etc.) Pass it off saying you'll ask him later or just change the subject, if possible.

The best you can do for now is just continue to be there for dad! Even if/when he forgets who you are, a kind person coming to visit is good.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to disgustedtoo

It probably makes your brother too sad to see his father decline. Hopefully, your father is just dealing with whatever is happening in the moment and is not particularly distressed by what or who is not there.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to RedVanAnnie

The only reason your brother does not visit is because he cannot "deal with it" - it being the decline in your father's health and a reminder of his own mortality.

I experienced a similar thing with my own brother and my widowed father, so you are not alone.

If your father is still cognizant and asks why your brother does not visit - be honest. Tell him that it is "too painful" for your brother to see him in his current state of health - so he avoids coming.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to dragonflower
Invisible Apr 10, 2021
That's kind of blaming the victim.
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