My father has dementia and is continuously turning things over in his mind that need to be done. Sometimes it comes out as things he is telling me to do, when he really means it as things he is afraid he might forget. I have to keep reminding myself that every day is Ground Hog Day for him. So I reassure him that I have it under control and everything will get taken care of. Or I give him a way to participate so he can have some control in it getting done. On the other hand, his visiting caregiver unplugged the toilet yesterday and he feels that she is a miracle worker and he needs to do something special for her, even while I have unplugged that toilet numerous times (which he has forgotten). You always take for granted the person who is there for you the most.
I was just going to send the same message...your mother treats you like a maid because you let her. If she has any type of financial resource use them..even once a month to clean the bath rooms. If you are living with her and has no there choice set some boundaries for yourself and for her. So easy for us to say, so hard for us to do. Whatever your decision feel positive that you are offering some support and do not waste much energy on feeling guilty( if she has the ability to do so). Seek any type of local support group that might be sponsored through the area on aging, community center. Sitting day after day , subjecting oneself to the same uncomfortable situation , will play on your health also.
I WAS my mother's maid for a long time before stepping away from the job. She never appreciated what I did, because she LIKES the mess and disorder. I tried and tried to make her small living space more efficient and more 'open' for her so she could move around. All I got was back-door criticism. She can live in filth now, for all I care. She is incapable of doing anything other than folding her bedclothes back into place and doing dishes. She cannot "clean" in any sense of the word, now.
My niece is supposed to be cleaning for her, and has had that task for years. She never did it, so I did. Now she doesn't know HOW and the place is really a mess. Dust so thick you can choke on it, also she has birds and the feathers and dust from them is everywhere. All the plants are dead. The floor is sticky and covered in crumbs. When mother sent me packing, a few months ago, I knew exactly what would happen. And it has. I'm not happy about it, but she doesn't seem to care. The place isn't unhealthy, it's just a mess.
Living in the family home, all 6 of us had household chores all our lives. Mother actually did very little. She always had a maid, growing up, and wanted one when we were young. She has money for a cleaning lady, if she wanted, but she doesn't. Besides, you cannot "clean" a hoarder's home. If I go visit her now, I wear my jacket the whole time to indicate this isn't a "long" visit" and try not to look at the dust, mess and garbage piling up.
My answer? Your mom treats you like a maid because she can. Don't let her. Best advice I got from recent therapy. Just. Quit. Hard to do, but effective.
My mom lived with us for 4 years and her behavior towards me was just like what you are describing. She is in an assisted living home now and she treats me the exact same way when I visit her. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Was she always so demanding? When I said something to my mom about her behavior, she couldn't see what I was talking about. Have you tried discussing this with her or even ignoring her?
It may sound strange, but I have the opposite problem. I clean the kitchen and bathrooms every week and do some other light cleaning. My mother will say, "That doesn't need to be done," and get a bit upset that I'm doing something in the house. It is her house, so it may be territoriality. Or it may be guilt because she is watching TV while I work.
My standard answer is "Yes, it doesn't need cleaning because I try to keep it clean." She doesn't grasp that concept. She has been a very casual housekeeper (AKA lazy) during her lifetime. She thought the best solution to house work was a can of Raid, instead of cleaning. Bless her heart. Can't say I blame her, because I hate cleaning, too.
I believe your mother treats you like a maid because it allows her to deny to herself that she's needy and dependent. This way she can feel powerful and in charge, whereas if she had to ask you nicely or acknowledge that you have a choice about helping her, she would have to accept that she's dependent on your help and can't do it for herself. That's scary and unacceptable to a lot of elderly.
When I was younger, I never imagined my mother would turn to her kids for help in her old age. She was just too controlling, independent and egotistical to admit weakness or to put herself at anyone else's mercy, especially her own kids. It was only when it happened that I began to realize how she gets around her own neediness and helplessness - by taking charge of the situation and acting like she is the lady of the manor and we are her staff.
I'm not saying I have sympathy for this or find this acceptable - I don't. I confront my mother about it whenever it gets too annoying, but I have to say it does no good. Mostly I work on myself - figuring out what I'm willing to do and not do and learning to set boundaries with her. That has proven more fruitful than my efforts to change her.
arianne777 no she does not have access to alcohol. I hated her when she was drunk and I would draw the line in the sand if she started drinking anything with alcohol. Love your Idea about the dr prescribing her a housekeeping routine. She tells everybody else how much she misses doing housework but has actually told me ( while watching me push a broom ) how much she ENJOYS watching other people work.. But meanwhile shes going to start wasting away because she is so lazy. Use it or lose it is TRUE !! Shes on a list for a low income senior apartment ( has been on it for a YEAR... god help me ) but when she gets her own place again shes going to get a crash course in life.
1 golf lady -- I'm sorry for you, and hope your mother doesn't have access to beer or other alcoholic drinks. Since your mother enjoys her doctor visits, perhaps you can ask her doctor to "prescribe" a daily housekeeping routine for her to carry out in her space. You will not turn into a monster in your 70s. I'm almost 85, and have been careful not to repeat my mother's behavior of standing in the middle of the living room saying, "I don't know where to begin (household routines.)" And that was decades before my mother had Alzheimer's.
Im getting scared wondering if I could turn into a monster in my 70s like my mom. She Doesn't do ANYTHING for herself ( except her 3 min bath once a week ) She rolls her laundry down the steps for me to wash , I cook dinner EVERY day and she complains to everybody that I cook to much processed foods ( but for 50 years her dinner was BEER ) she wont do ANYTHING for herself ( without being told ). She thinks its HALARIOUS to tell people shes my toddler now. My toddlers did more for themselves than she does ( TRUE STORY ) She is physically and mentally capable of doing anything she wanted but chooses to do NOTHING and I mean NOTHING. ( unless it involves doctors or her meds then shes all over it, but Im still the one who has to take her ) she admitted she hadn't cleaned her floor 1 time in the whole 2 years she has lived in my attic. she just watches tv all day and calls people to complain. Shes made our lives pure hell, and its pure laziness mixed with pure narcissism. I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.
Blooop, Sorry to hear your mother acts this this way toward you. I don't treat the maid how your mother treats you. It's possible that sometimes she thinks you're someone else. I know a man whose wife with Alzheimer's believes their home is an assisted living place and he is hired help.
My mother is 77 with diabetes and high cholesterol and high blood pressure and I too live with her. I have the opposite problem, my mom is capable of doing more and needs to do more to stay alive but chooses to use me as her maid bc everything gives her a hard time. Shaky hands, no control on gripping things and can't stand long. She gets so frustrated with herself and than has tantrums. I guess dimentia has taking her independence away,
My mother would start screaming for me to get her something. This went on all day (when I was here) and night. I think she just wanted attention, she stayed in bed all the time. I would try to sit and talk with her as much as I could.
Dear Bloop, Has your mother always had this bossy side or is it a new behavior? If it is generally new and getting worse she could have a form of dementia. People with dementia loose their social "filter" of how to be polite and can become increasingly judgmental.It would be interesting for us to know if these things she is asking you to do are things she could do herself if she wanted to or things that are not possible for her to do.
Blooop, living with a parent during adulthood is difficult, even more so when the parent has Alzheimer's, because they have a tendency to treat you like a child, usually from a critical parent perspective. Add to that the memory loss that makes her forget you already did this, that and the other, or that you are working and getting older and don't have the same energy you used to have, and it makes for an unhappy living situation.
My mother is the same way about housework and, like Chris, I have been financially dependent on my parents for a place to live because I have not been able to find and keep work because of my disability (except for a working poor waged part time job which is physically demanding). I get so frustrated because she can receive free housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs but is too proud to take advantage. When I find she is too overbearing I will assert myself and basically tell her to back off. The one thing that keeps me sane is maintaining my own sense of self (albeit difficult when living with an aging parent with dementia) by working on my self employment and working outside a few hours a day. That provides balanced and positive social feedback and gives you a sense of purpose, so you can put things in perspective. It's a really tough call, though.
The reason why mothers are critical and demanding of their children is because they can't do what they are demanding to be done their own selves. This makes them feel dependent and ineffective. Dependence brings contempt and resentment; remember your teen-aged years?. After 'raising' my 92 year old mother in law and my 81 year old (even more demanding) mother, I am vowing that I will not be irrationally demanding in my old age. Who knows? Maybe I will get lucky and die before I reach that level of frustration.
My 75yr.-old mother is the same way. I live with her, and I hate it. I only live here. Because I would be homeless otherwise. I am on disability. She has arthritis in her hands. I have three (physical)brain 'issues'. Which I have had all my life. I tried working. But I was summarily accused of not being fast enough. I have short-term memory issues that my previous employer was not accepting of, either.
The point of my telling you about myself. Is to point out how much harder the same situation is on me.
She will ask me to do something. Then she complains how I do it. If I have a list of things I need to do. She used to assume I would do what she wanted, first.
But she will ask the same things of my younger(Ph.D.) brother, and not kibitz or complain about how he did what she asked.
She also treats me like I am incapable of doing anything because of physical disabilities. I can still do heavy-lifting.
The only thing she has done by someone else is. She has a maid come in. Not because of me. but because of her own disorganization.
Sounds like you and your mother live together (regardless whose house it is). I too live with my 88-yr-old mom but she is very physically capable and, although I try to do everything, she wants to share the chores. She insists on doing the dishes after I cook dinner and she makes her own breakfast, washes her own clothes, and changes her own bed sheets.
I wish she WOULD let me do everything because the "downside" for me is that she uses too much water when she does the dishes (we live in FL where water is expensive) and she's noisy with everything she touches from bags to dishes.
I do understand your situation but just thought I would offer another side of "living with mom" which may not ever be perfect.
My niece is supposed to be cleaning for her, and has had that task for years. She never did it, so I did. Now she doesn't know HOW and the place is really a mess. Dust so thick you can choke on it, also she has birds and the feathers and dust from them is everywhere. All the plants are dead. The floor is sticky and covered in crumbs. When mother sent me packing, a few months ago, I knew exactly what would happen. And it has. I'm not happy about it, but she doesn't seem to care. The place isn't unhealthy, it's just a mess.
Living in the family home, all 6 of us had household chores all our lives. Mother actually did very little. She always had a maid, growing up, and wanted one when we were young. She has money for a cleaning lady, if she wanted, but she doesn't. Besides, you cannot "clean" a hoarder's home. If I go visit her now, I wear my jacket the whole time to indicate this isn't a "long" visit" and try not to look at the dust, mess and garbage piling up.
My answer? Your mom treats you like a maid because she can. Don't let her. Best advice I got from recent therapy. Just. Quit. Hard to do, but effective.
My standard answer is "Yes, it doesn't need cleaning because I try to keep it clean." She doesn't grasp that concept. She has been a very casual housekeeper (AKA lazy) during her lifetime. She thought the best solution to house work was a can of Raid, instead of cleaning. Bless her heart. Can't say I blame her, because I hate cleaning, too.
When I was younger, I never imagined my mother would turn to her kids for help in her old age. She was just too controlling, independent and egotistical to admit weakness or to put herself at anyone else's mercy, especially her own kids. It was only when it happened that I began to realize how she gets around her own neediness and helplessness - by taking charge of the situation and acting like she is the lady of the manor and we are her staff.
I'm not saying I have sympathy for this or find this acceptable - I don't. I confront my mother about it whenever it gets too annoying, but I have to say it does no good. Mostly I work on myself - figuring out what I'm willing to do and not do and learning to set boundaries with her. That has proven more fruitful than my efforts to change her.
I hope this helps in your situation.
Has your mother always had this bossy side or is it a new behavior? If it is generally new and getting worse she could have a form of dementia. People with dementia loose their social "filter" of how to be polite and can become increasingly judgmental.It would be interesting for us to know if these things she is asking you to do are things she could do herself if she wanted to or things that are not possible for her to do.
My mother is the same way about housework and, like Chris, I have been financially dependent on my parents for a place to live because I have not been able to find and keep work because of my disability (except for a working poor waged part time job which is physically demanding). I get so frustrated because she can receive free housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs but is too proud to take advantage. When I find she is too overbearing I will assert myself and basically tell her to back off. The one thing that keeps me sane is maintaining my own sense of self (albeit difficult when living with an aging parent with dementia) by working on my self employment and working outside a few hours a day. That provides balanced and positive social feedback and gives you a sense of purpose, so you can put things in perspective. It's a really tough call, though.
The point of my telling you about myself. Is to point out how much harder the same situation is on me.
She will ask me to do something. Then she complains how I do it. If I have a list of things I need to do. She used to assume I would do what she wanted, first.
But she will ask the same things of my younger(Ph.D.) brother, and not kibitz or complain about how he did what she asked.
She also treats me like I am incapable of doing anything because of physical disabilities. I can still do heavy-lifting.
The only thing she has done by someone else is. She has a maid come in. Not because of me. but because of her own disorganization.
I wish she WOULD let me do everything because the "downside" for me is that she uses too much water when she does the dishes (we live in FL where water is expensive) and she's noisy with everything she touches from bags to dishes.
I do understand your situation but just thought I would offer another side of "living with mom" which may not ever be perfect.
Best Wishes, Sharon
What are your mom's physical limitations/disabilities? Is she unable to do things for herself?
How long has this been going on?
If you can elaborate a little more it might help you get more detailed responses.