bloop, I'm wondering if you drew up a schedule with all the tasks on certain days or at certain times. Then when your mother demands you do something, you can reply, "No, we do that such and such a day, at such and such a time." That wouldn't leave her much room for arguing with you, and the chores would be accomplished on your schedule.
For 7 years I felt like and unpaid servant for my mother, 24/7. Now in assisted living she has 5 people at whim.Then they go home after their shift is over. I get more sleep and she continues to mom on.
Has your mother always treated you this way...or is this new behavior? I don't put up with any abuse from my father...he's 91 yrs old. Just tell her you don't like it and won't talk to her again until she stops it!!
LindaSusan-I have done that, more than once. It isn't a matter of what she can, and can't do herself. It is a matter of her not respecting me, while she respects everyone else. Somehow, My going in the bathroom triggers her memory. But she doesn't want to wait when she remembers something that has to do with the bathroom. I had previously mentioned how I was in the middle of my shower, and she wanted to come in the bathroom to get it. Without waiting until I was done with my shower and dressed.
She admitted the last time. That she could have waited. This time I verbally snapped at my mother. Because, I am almost afraid to go into the bathroom for anything. She is annoying. Because she doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
As for your 'toddler' supposition. That is too kind, and actually an excuse for her persistent behavior.
I know there are programs for people with 'disabilities'. But I am not 'disabled enough', to qualify. I do have short-term memory, eye-hand coordination, and fine-motor skill, problems as a result of multiple(needed) brain surgeries as a child . I am a former FTE(Full-Time Employee) with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. I worked there for four years. Before I quit because of stress. While I can't drive(nor do I want to) a car. My main mode of transportation is my 20-Speed (road)racing bike. I ride 20-35mph in high-speed traffic. I can also play the drums. Both of those, are despite the eye-hand coordination, fine-motor skills, and epilepsy. I even went to night school, while working at the U.S. Government. But I had to drop out. Because it was causing to have to get up at 5am, and not get to sleep until 1am.
I have lived on my own. 1992-2000 I was married. She left in 1997. But begged me not to divorce her. I finally did. 1999-2002, I had apartment roommates. 2002-2007 I lived with my (ex)fiance 1,000mi. away in another state. That was some of the best years of my life. When I had gran-mal seizures on two separate occasions, my (ex)fiance didn't screw around. She promptly got me help. My (ex)wife just wanted my (physical)health problems to "go away". When I had a seizure in front of her in bed during the marriage. She freaked and ran out of the bedroom.
SendMe2help-When it comes to 'housekeeping', my mother is a packrat. She has been that way for decades. I do my part with cleaning the kitchen. But, She has hired a maid to come in occasionally. Not because of me. But because of herself. I have been 'putting my foot down', now. About her unreasonable demands. Not in terms of the original 'request'. But in terms of her not understanding the need for my prioritizing the request. When I have other things that need doing outside the house and are not contingent on daylight or the overall weather.
foxxmolder-Thank you for that reminder.
Salisbury-That is the problem. Every time, she puts' a 'now' label on it. Regardless of what I already had planned. I have been putting my foot down about it.
Incredible parallels to my own situation here, especially the reference to a parent giving so much praise and affection to the caregiver who unplugged the toilet. My 96 year old mother gave her jewelry to her health aide, despite the fact that I have been financial and physical caregiver to my mom for the last 15 years, and she now lives with me. One good thing about that though. By doing that she has forever removed any sense of guilt i ever felt for failing to meet her frequently unrealistic expectations. I also make myself scarce a lot. The nagging question is, when did i fall from being the best thing that ever happened to her to just the girl who feeds the cats and takes out the garbage? Have to admit that, in my heart,that is what really hurts.
Usually the carer gets treated the worst. Better than a friend who might visit. And why? Bc we're the one who have to say take your meds, get a bath and eat your meals.
My Mother in law has been entitled her whole life. Unfortunately, she has always been controlling and demanding to her children. My sister in law would put her first before her children and husband. She actually wanted to move in with my husband and I. She put alot of stress on my husband and myself. I know your dynamic is different however, mabe assisted living community would be helpful. As people age they either become graceful or their become issues worse. I would try and keep some sort of distance if you can. Just always remember you are doing a great job. Dont let anyone discredit you for that.
Well Blooop hasn't responded, but he/she certainly brought up a problem a lot of people experience! I think such treatment must be especially hurtful from a parent who was always critical. I was "Daddy's little girl," and so when dementia, pain, fear and frustration caused him to act mean, I could shrug it off or tell him off without getting really upset.
With my husband, it's different, because he's a good guy, mostly, but he never adored me or treated me like the center of his life. He treats me sorta like a maid, and always has. But I cut him a lot of slack. Sometimes I scream at him, but not as often as he "deserves."
I know that he lost his mother in a divorce as a little boy, and was bounced around from house to house. I know he was seldom showered with love, so he has a hard time showing it. I know he feels afraid and ashamed of his loss of abilities. I know that asking for things makes him feel less of a man. I know that when he feels like that, he's unhappy. So I usually let him get away with ordering me around more than I did before the disease. I don't let him yell at me, but I try not to take it personally. Of course, I don't necessarily obey!
I guess my point is that if it is a power struggle, it will be a bitter fight. If you can be gracious without lying down to be beaten, if you can have compassion, it's not so hard to let them feel like they are winning. If they can be happy, they are easier to live with. But if you have been kicked all your life, I know that compassion can be pretty hard to scrape up.
Remember to love yourself, because you deserve it.
"housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs" - I never heard of this - anyone know anything about it? My Dad pretty much applies for any VA benefit but not this one, could sure use it.
YANAAnna-I don't have the $ to pay for my mother being in assisted living. My father, step-mother, and maternal aunt(and husband). Refuse to get involved, and say she is fine. My middle second-cousin(who lived locally, for twenty-five years, but moved out-of-state several years ago), also refuses to help.
I stopped cleaning my Mom's house 2 years ago because she would accuse me of moving her Knick-Knacks around or worse,"stealing" them. As it would turn out, she would find the missing stuff right where SHE last left it,but forgot. Yoga girl is right, when you stop doing the extra's, she gets real nice.
Because you've become one. ... Tell her you're looking for volunteers. Or find a happy medium: I wash, you fold; I sweep, you mop. Nothing like putting her money where her mouth is.
Those of you who seem to be angry at your loved one for whatever emotional baggage you are carrying, might want to consider employing this constructive feedback tactic: "When you (blank), I feel (blank) because (blank). I want (blank) because (blank). What do you think?" Please read the explanation at this link: https://www.erikbohlin.net/Handouts/Constructive_Feedback.pdf.
Doingbestican, I am sorry you lost your sweet father to Alzheimers. My father is sometimes too caring and razor-sharp sensitive to my emotions. He wants to fix everything for me. I have to hide my emotions so he won't get upset. It's tiring.
Danamovedon-- This was almost exactly the technique I used (as per my therapist's suggestion!) in working through a recent issue with my mother. She really took it pretty well. I honestly don't think she had ever thought that he careless words and actions still hurt me. Also, being able to completely step away from her and her care right now has been very freeing. We are looking into day care aides for her. Found out that all that is 100% covered by her LTC policy!!!!!!!!!!! My poor brother--he's been jumping to her demands and doesn't need to. I think he needs to read this and grow a spine.
This is also a good way to talk to kids who are semi-rude to you...mine are all grown and gone, but still, a couple of them are very rude and make fun of me to my face. I'm going to try this on them. They may be in their 30's, but they're still my punk kids :) However, Mama is sick of being the brunt of their jokes.
Hello Danamovedon, Thank you for the kind words....But about that "constructive feedback idea": that won't work with someone who no longer experiences empathy. Telling someone with no empathy how you feel is a useless effort The words will have no meaning for someone who lives in a world where there is no such thing as "your feelings'. It would be like a carpet saying it doesn't want to be walked on. It does not compute. I often tried to get my father to realize that I had a life, a husband, children, grandchildren, a house and a job. That all these things demanded my time, and that I cannot come running for every whim. . His answer was "Why not, you're my daughter. You have to do what I say. That's why you're here." He meant: that is why I exist on the earth. Any attempt to tell him how that made me feel was only met with his repeating: "But I need this done now." My words were so much whistling in the wind.
DoingBestICan, you said it so well. I particularly like the carpet saying it doesn't want to be walked on. That is it exactly. There doesn't have to be any malice. It just is what it is, and it can totally consume our time if we don't put limits on it. Unfortunately, it can cause a lot of bullying if we do. I hate the bullying to try to make me do things I don't want to do. I can get ugly.
hahaha... my mother once told me she liked family helping her rather than paid help because she couldn't order them around like family. I guess paid help is different than family whom she feels entitled.
Mykids58 - I think kids will tend to make fun of their moms, especially if they pick it up early from their dads. Mom's need to let their kids know they have feelings and limits. Too often we let it pass and keep the hurt inside. Dads need to demonstrate spousal respect to their kids. DoingbestIcan - I also tried to get the point across that I had a life and other responsibilities but that was too general a topic for him and he didn't make the connection to specifics. So when I simplify it down to "When you say/do this, I feel that.", it's easier for him to grasp what I want/don't want.
I don't know whether or not you live with your mom, but what I did when someone I used to know started ordering me around like he did others is just not do what you're being ordered to do. I found out I was not the only one my elderly friend was ordering around, he was also doing this with me is health home health care aid. She secretly told me about it and I told her what she should do is just not do what he's ordering you to do any time he orders you around. She was saying that she could understand if he would ask nicely but he didn't. I told her just don't do whatever he's ordering you to do, I won't and didn't after I wised up to it.
Something to consider:
Was your mom ever in a position of authority through a certain type of job? My reason for asking is because my elderly friend who used to order people around used to actually be in the military as an Army medic. Anyone who knows anything about the military knows the nature of it as well as the nature of other similar jobs. My elderly friend also said something about a police job at another time. Anyone familiar with a police job would also know the nature of that. My elderly friend went on to reveal how he wouldn't take orders from others, but I think to some degree or another we are all like that. Call it pecking orders if you will. There are just some people who will not take orders from others but will order people around.
Wising up takes some effort on your part because one day your eyes were open and you'll realize that you're just as much of a human being as the person ordering you around. If you have the luxury of not having to live with her, You can walk out and tell her to do the chore herself. If she's able bodied, she should be doing her own chores if she insists on living in her own home. If you live with her and she start ordering you around, this is where you're going to have to dig in your heels and put your foot down in a polite and loving manner. I personally would never want to bring a maid into the picture, especially knowing your mom is treating you like less than a human being by ordering you around. If your mom is able bodied, just go off and do something else when she starts ordering you around. If she makes an issue of it, and I'm sure she will, this is where you're going to have a serious talk with her and nip this behavior in the butt if it's just starting. If it's been going on a while, it's going to be up to you and any social network you have to support you in whatever it is you need to do to remedy the problem and bring it to a halt. Don't let her misuse you.
* special tip:
When your mom starts ordering you around, you might remind her that you're not a slave and that slavery was abolished long ago. This will definitely get her attention if she has any common sense to realize she's in the wrong.
Hello 1Rarefine, "Just not doing it" would work if as you say in your last paragraph, the person has any common sense. Unfortunately we're talking about people with Alzheimer's, and unless they are still in the really early stages, they just don't. What you are describing is a method to teach them to treat you with respect. In order for you to "teach" them anything, they have to be capable of learning. And the inability to "learn" is pretty much the defining symptom of Alzheimers'.
She admitted the last time. That she could have waited. This time I verbally snapped at my mother. Because, I am almost afraid to go into the bathroom for anything. She is annoying. Because she doesn't do this to anyone else, but me.
As for your 'toddler' supposition. That is too kind, and actually an excuse for her persistent behavior.
I know there are programs for people with 'disabilities'. But I am not 'disabled enough', to qualify. I do have short-term memory, eye-hand coordination, and fine-motor skill, problems as a result of multiple(needed) brain surgeries as a child . I am a former FTE(Full-Time Employee) with the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. I worked there for four years. Before I quit because of stress. While I can't drive(nor do I want to) a car. My main mode of transportation is my 20-Speed (road)racing bike. I ride 20-35mph in high-speed traffic. I can also play the drums. Both of those, are despite the eye-hand coordination, fine-motor skills, and epilepsy. I even went to night school, while working at the U.S. Government. But I had to drop out. Because it was causing to have to get up at 5am, and not get to sleep until 1am.
I have lived on my own. 1992-2000 I was married. She left in 1997. But begged me not to divorce her. I finally did. 1999-2002, I had apartment roommates. 2002-2007 I lived with my (ex)fiance 1,000mi. away in another state. That was some of the best years of my life. When I had gran-mal seizures on two separate occasions, my (ex)fiance didn't screw around. She promptly got me help. My (ex)wife just wanted my (physical)health problems to "go away". When I had a seizure in front of her in bed during the marriage. She freaked and ran out of the bedroom.
SendMe2help-When it comes to 'housekeeping', my mother is a packrat. She has been that way for decades. I do my part with cleaning the kitchen. But, She has hired a maid to come in occasionally. Not because of me. But because of herself. I have been 'putting my foot down', now. About her unreasonable demands. Not in terms of the original 'request'. But in terms of her not understanding the need for my prioritizing the request. When I have other things that need doing outside the house and are not contingent on daylight or the overall weather.
foxxmolder-Thank you for that reminder.
Salisbury-That is the problem. Every time, she puts' a 'now' label on it. Regardless of what I already had planned. I have been putting my foot down about it.
Doingbestican-That is an eye-opener, thanks!!
With my husband, it's different, because he's a good guy, mostly, but he never adored me or treated me like the center of his life. He treats me sorta like a maid, and always has. But I cut him a lot of slack. Sometimes I scream at him, but not as often as he "deserves."
I know that he lost his mother in a divorce as a little boy, and was bounced around from house to house. I know he was seldom showered with love, so he has a hard time showing it. I know he feels afraid and ashamed of his loss of abilities. I know that asking for things makes him feel less of a man. I know that when he feels like that, he's unhappy. So I usually let him get away with ordering me around more than I did before the disease. I don't let him yell at me, but I try not to take it personally. Of course, I don't necessarily obey!
I guess my point is that if it is a power struggle, it will be a bitter fight. If you can be gracious without lying down to be beaten, if you can have compassion, it's not so hard to let them feel like they are winning. If they can be happy, they are easier to live with. But if you have been kicked all your life, I know that compassion can be pretty hard to scrape up.
Remember to love yourself, because you deserve it.
but, as jinx said, "he/she certainly brought up a problem a lot of people experience"
This was almost exactly the technique I used (as per my therapist's suggestion!) in working through a recent issue with my mother. She really took it pretty well. I honestly don't think she had ever thought that he careless words and actions still hurt me. Also, being able to completely step away from her and her care right now has been very freeing. We are looking into day care aides for her. Found out that all that is 100% covered by her LTC policy!!!!!!!!!!! My poor brother--he's been jumping to her demands and doesn't need to. I think he needs to read this and grow a spine.
This is also a good way to talk to kids who are semi-rude to you...mine are all grown and gone, but still, a couple of them are very rude and make fun of me to my face. I'm going to try this on them. They may be in their 30's, but they're still my punk kids :) However, Mama is sick of being the brunt of their jokes.
DoingbestIcan - I also tried to get the point across that I had a life and other responsibilities but that was too general a topic for him and he didn't make the connection to specifics. So when I simplify it down to "When you say/do this, I feel that.", it's easier for him to grasp what I want/don't want.
Something to consider:
Was your mom ever in a position of authority through a certain type of job? My reason for asking is because my elderly friend who used to order people around used to actually be in the military as an Army medic. Anyone who knows anything about the military knows the nature of it as well as the nature of other similar jobs. My elderly friend also said something about a police job at another time. Anyone familiar with a police job would also know the nature of that. My elderly friend went on to reveal how he wouldn't take orders from others, but I think to some degree or another we are all like that. Call it pecking orders if you will. There are just some people who will not take orders from others but will order people around.
Wising up takes some effort on your part because one day your eyes were open and you'll realize that you're just as much of a human being as the person ordering you around. If you have the luxury of not having to live with her, You can walk out and tell her to do the chore herself. If she's able bodied, she should be doing her own chores if she insists on living in her own home. If you live with her and she start ordering you around, this is where you're going to have to dig in your heels and put your foot down in a polite and loving manner. I personally would never want to bring a maid into the picture, especially knowing your mom is treating you like less than a human being by ordering you around. If your mom is able bodied, just go off and do something else when she starts ordering you around. If she makes an issue of it, and I'm sure she will, this is where you're going to have a serious talk with her and nip this behavior in the butt if it's just starting. If it's been going on a while, it's going to be up to you and any social network you have to support you in whatever it is you need to do to remedy the problem and bring it to a halt. Don't let her misuse you.
* special tip:
When your mom starts ordering you around, you might remind her that you're not a slave and that slavery was abolished long ago. This will definitely get her attention if she has any common sense to realize she's in the wrong.