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I'm his caregiver, he has been sick for 14 years. What is the right way of doing the normal everyday things in life, such as putting clean clothes in dresser drawer he put in a bag. He doesn't eat my cooking, he prefers tv dinners, microwavable snacks, will not do hygiene at all, and when I remind him in elementary phrases he gets really abusive and gets in my face, pointing his index finger in my face, and begins to argue with me, saying to me u go wash ur behind (private parts in derogatory words), opening the bathroom door with force and continues to talk ugly. Just last night he was calling me derogatory words (EX: the B word, kiss my A, im a JackAss, im sick, u need to see a doctor B, get the F out of my face sorry A B). He is in denial that he is sick and that he could still do things as if he wasn't sick. Which he can't, for instance giving himself his meds, drive, when I take him to grocery store I tell him to get what he needs, and he gets frustrated in the store cause he can't find what he wants even though I show him the right isle to go down. Its getting to the point he is wanting to and has hit me, and if this continues I may place him in a state ran mental hospital because im at the end of my rope. One more last thing he put feces on the bathroom wall last night 6-6-14 Friday. Suggestions please fellow caregivers

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My friends Mum told her she hated her and hit her with a window blind in the face knocking her out cold? her mum was placed the next day? Illness or not you cannot live like this?
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I would like to amend something I said above. He may actually not need placement. It is possible that he will pass through the "rage stage" and come out differently. I asked recently on the FTD forum what the caregivers estimated to be the length of this stage. Of course it's indeterminate but frequent answers were about 2-2.5 years. Maybe he's going to go thru the violent stage soon and come out with more apathy. Has he been violent for a long time, or just recently? Not meaning to be even more scary, but if you have pets keep an eye on their care. Please cone back and post when you can.
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All of the answers above are so helpful. The only thing I would add, for your own sanity, is to try to remember that the man you married is not the same man who is ill and unable to remember what you remember. It isn't really personal, it is the illness. Nevertheless, you must do what is best for your own well being, and put as much thought into it as you can, and talk to whomever you can that you feel is knowledgeable.
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I checked the age of your husband, 58, and this is even more likely to be bvFTD, which is a dementia that mostly strikes before 60. And is likely to have been going on for years. He isn't necessarily mad at you, or hate you. FTDers lose their empathy and caring for others. It's classic. They can be obsessive (my clothes, my bag, my way). They can go between apathy and rage in a moment. Nothing like road rage with a crazy person. They do stupid things financially and things that are socially inappropriate. They may be hypersexual, or totally uninterested. They may hoard or steal. They are simply unconcerned and totally unaware that there is anything wrong with them. He sounds like he needs placement soon. It can be difficult to find a place for a violent person.
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Taking CHARGE not taking huge of course.
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He hates you because of what you said...he is in denial and at this point cannot grasp that he has an illness let alone a cognitive problem. But things aren't right, and someone has to be blamed; it can't be him, you are the one who is there'd and taking huge, so you're elected. So sorry for what you are going through, and what he is going through too, thinking so irrationally that the one person who loved him has turned against him.

You really will have to get alternative placement or a LOT of medical and caregiving help, for either of you to be safe. Physical abuse and smearing poop cross the line. Is there a comprehensive geriatric evaluation place near you? You can call and at let get referrals to the right people to get the ball rolling even if he would not physically go in for an evaluation.
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Sweetgirl, I read your profile. I believe one phase of advanced Alzheimer's has to do with aggressive behavior [but not in all cases]. If you can get your husband to a doctor, try to do so, but it doesn't sound like your husband would cooperate. Maybe it is time to somehow move your husband to a facility that has trained personnel who can safely deal with such situations. It is so sad when something like this happens to a loved one.

I agree with GardenArtist, have a chat with the police about the situation. If the police picks up your husband, you wouldn't want him back home the next day out of safety concerns for yourself, so you need to know what steps the police and you will need to take. That might be the only way your husband can be placed in a facility.

Don't feel guilty about turning your husband over to someone else to take care of him.... 14 years is a very long time to care for someone where you see they are not getting better.... you've have done more than your fair share caring for him. In the mean time, let him put his clothes in a bag, feed him TV dinners, and don't mention hygiene at all. Next time he puts feces on the bathroom wall, don't clean it up. This way you can see if he is doing things just to get negative attention. If he still picks fights to a point of fear, then it is time to call the police.
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What a scary mess. Okay, he's been sick for 14 years. With what? If it's "dementia" is it FTD, Frontotemporal Dementia? Does he have diabetes? Is his behavior worse when his sugar is low? I suggest you check out the AFTD Website and the ftdsupportforum.com. Also the government website nih.gov. His behavior sounds very typical of behavioral variant of FTD, known as bvFTD. It's generally considered worse than Alzheimers, but because it is relatively rare (5-10% of all dementias) you can have a heck of a time getting it diagnosed. Our GP didn't recognize it when I talked him about my husband. Anyhow, FTD is frequently misdiagnosed as depression, bi-polar or maybe Alzheimers. Violent behavior is not always present, but you do have to be careful about it. If there are firearms in the house find a way to get them out, secretly. Since he has already exhibited violence towards you I recommend you think through your emergency escape plan. If this is what he has you need to get lots of info and possibly notify your local police station ahead of time in case they get called to your house one day. If it's FTD, there's no cure, no treatment and it's terminal. If he's not already on an SSRI type antidepressant that could help a lot. Also possibly getting his sugar under control if that is also an issue. The increasingly foul language is also is also a symptom and it may become increasingly racist and sexual. If this isn't what he's been diagnosed with I'd still bet in it because he sounds like he has pretty classic symptoms. Check out those other online sites I mentioned above. I would appreciate knowing if my guess is right. If it is, I'll see you on the ftd support forum. This forum is great, but the ftd forum people know exactly what you're talking about and have lots of ideas for exactly the type of problems you are describing. The behaviors you are describing won't shock them. Don't delay. And really, reply back here.
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sweetgirl, you have been going through more than most have, I know. It may be time for you to save yourself. It doesn't sound like your husband can be handled by you alone. The part of smearing feces on the wall is troubling. I know this isn't the man you married. It is what the brain damage has done to him. I wonder if he has some damage in the frontal areas of the brain.

Knowing what causes it is not going to cure it, unfortunately. Do you think that you would be able to get him to move into a facility? If you can't, you may want to talk to someone at your county's Human Services department to see what they can do to help you. I don't know if it would be better to contact someone in services for the elderly or for mental health. They will know, though. It sounds like you may need some help with him.
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If he's hit you once, that's enough - get him out of the house. He's obviously verbally abusive and from what you write has started to become physically abusive.

IF it continues??? You know it will. Frankly I wouldn't have tolerated it this long, but I do know it's hard when you're trying to take care of someone and feel responsible for them.

Regardless of what his medical problems are, you're not safe with him, nor should you even consider tolerating that kind of behavior any more.

Document what he's done, then call the police, explain the situation and ask them to remove him. Emphasize that he's hit you and explain that you fear for your safety (which you should).

Perhaps they'll take him to a psychiatric facility, but regardless where, he needs to be away from you.

There's probably some strong element of dementia, but that doesn't mean you need to tolerate his verbal abuse.

Has he been like this during your entire married life or has his behavior changed since you've had to take care of him? Is he on any medications to control his behavior?
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Call your County Senior Services and get some help in there!!! I would be sneaking the Ativan into his coffee. But then I am evil.
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