Example: person A and B's parent's health has declined, person B is now no where to be seen, person A is left to care for the parent. So my question is why are we not person B what motivates the person A's to stay?
Because you’re not a sh**y person. Person B is a sh**y person, running away and leaving it all to person A. (Even looking for a good NH takes time, but B won’t lift a finger). As soon as inheritance comes into play, you’ll see B come running back with lots of time and energy, which they said they didn’t have before.
Thanks for answering :) it is nice to hear other's perspectives, inheritance can be a big motivating factor for certain people, to appear when they have not before, which is a good point to make.
Thank you for you're answer there are definitely different situations where "loyalty" is used in so many different ways, either for the wrong or right reasons. It also doesn't mean that those who are "loyal" should have to exhaust themselves,physically and mentally in the name of "loyalty" :)
All families are not wonderful. Some people have suffered because of their parents' upbringing, actions and neglect. If they want to be Person B, they are entitled to do that. Caregiving someone who has caused great pain in one's life is absolutely NOT required.
Unfortunately, many in that situation become Person A in hopes they will finally get what they always wanted from their abusive or neglectful parent. It rarely happens.
Thank you for your answer :)there is indeed many elements to a person's situation, and possibly knowing or not knowing, what they can or cannot cope with.
Because us A people feel responsible to fix things . The B people ,,,I can’t answer for why they are able to not feel like they have to fix it . At times I envy that .
I too was raised to be a servant and to fix everything . Learned my lesson very late . Cared for both my parents for a decade .
Even though I learned my lesson, I am right now struggling because my FIL in AL is refusing help AGAIN from the staff . He’s nearly wheelchair bound at this point , barely walks. He is sitting in his recliner 24/7. Will not go in bed . Will not recline or raise his feet , feet are swollen .
He will not go in the bed because he can no longer get up from bed on his own . He will not let staff help him . It’s ridiculous . I’m assuming he does or will have a decub on his butt . Would I love to throw my hands up and just walk away ?? Others could but I can’t.
DH and I are trying to accept the inevitable . He WILL “ go off the deep end” if/when he is told he has to go to memory care or SNF . We will have to deal with it .
He could easily stay where he is if he would let the staff help . His AL keeps them a long time even in wheelchairs . Memory care at this facility is full of mostly non verbal people , or make no sense when they speak . My FIL isn’t that bad yet , it’s mostly stubbornness about proving he does not need help .
My question is , why can’t I walk away, even though he’s been horrendous to deal with from the start ? He’s in a facility , yet I still feel responsible for making sure he is cared for .
Thank you for your answer :) sometimes there isn't the answer that is hoped for, I'm sorry that you feel you are struggling, from what I have read from your answer you are doing your best with what you have been dealt, and while you may feel responsible, you can remind yourself that you have provided care, and are doing you're best :) Being harsh on our self for stuff we can't control won't make situations better but it doesn't stop us from feeling that way.
I will only tell you that we all make choices for our own lives. I was a nurse and I loved it. But that hard work taught me early on that I could never do 24/7 care for anyone, no matter the love I bore them. I guess I am person B here? It seems so. I am not proud of that. It is my limitation. You will never change person B. You, if you are person A, are responsible for person A and her choices. Pretend that person B was never even born. Would you still do what you are doing by choice?
I am so sorry. Clearly you are overwhelmed. And you have fallen into the pit of thinking that dictates that if someone loves someone they would, as you have done, stepped up. Nope. Not true. They may not be as good as you, as strong as you, or willing to sacrifice to the extent you are. Or their thinking may be utterly foreign to you. They may believe they have a right to their own lives. That they cannot throw their own lives on the sacrificial funeral pyre for their parents. That they are not gods or Saints. That they didn't cause this and aren't able to cure it, and are not strong enough to take up the work you are doing.
I can only say, let it go. You can only make choices for yourself. My love and admiration out to you, but I could not do what you are doing on my best day.
Thank you for answering :) regarding the example I provided I feel like there is a chance of being person A, or person B like choosing to still provide that care or to not. But my example was purely an example, I just like to find others perspectives on their experiences or thoughts. But thank you for trying to sympathise with me :)
Why do some people hold the door open for others, while many just walk in and let it close in others' faces? Why do some stand up against aggressors while others run away? Why do some people like vanilla and others prefer chocolate? We all have different stories.
Being a person A I wish I knew. I’ve been groomed my whole life that my purpose in life was to care for my elders, first my grandmother, now my mother. It doesn’t matter that I was gifted in math and science and probably could have had a successful career. The question now is what happens when person B gets sick? I don’t want to take that on.
Never too late! I realize for me this is a life lesson to finally step into a good life and do what I feel is my God given task to do and that is it. My manipulative abusive mother has what she needs. There is a solution and praying and working towards it is a miracle. WHere there is life there is hope! This is the scariest thinkg I have done in my life. But she is okay.
Unfortunately, many in that situation become Person A in hopes they will finally get what they always wanted from their abusive or neglectful parent. It rarely happens.
The B people ,,,I can’t answer for why they are able to not feel like they have to fix it . At times I envy that .
I too was raised to be a servant and to fix everything . Learned my lesson very late . Cared for both my parents for a decade .
Even though I learned my lesson, I am right now struggling because my FIL in AL is refusing help AGAIN from the staff . He’s nearly wheelchair bound at this point , barely walks. He is sitting in his recliner 24/7. Will not go in bed . Will not recline or raise his feet , feet are swollen .
He will not go in the bed because he can no longer get up from bed on his own . He will not let staff help him . It’s ridiculous . I’m assuming he does or will have a decub on his butt . Would I love to throw my hands up and just walk away ?? Others could but I can’t.
DH and I are trying to accept the inevitable . He WILL “ go off the deep end” if/when he is told he has to go to memory care or SNF . We will have to deal with it .
He could easily stay where he is if he would let the staff help . His AL keeps them a long time even in wheelchairs . Memory care at this facility is full of mostly non verbal people , or make no sense when they speak . My FIL isn’t that bad yet , it’s mostly stubbornness about proving he does not need help .
My question is , why can’t I walk away, even though he’s been horrendous to deal with from the start ? He’s in a facility , yet I still feel responsible for making sure he is cared for .
I was a nurse and I loved it. But that hard work taught me early on that I could never do 24/7 care for anyone, no matter the love I bore them.
I guess I am person B here?
It seems so.
I am not proud of that. It is my limitation.
You will never change person B.
You, if you are person A, are responsible for person A and her choices. Pretend that person B was never even born. Would you still do what you are doing by choice?
I am so sorry. Clearly you are overwhelmed. And you have fallen into the pit of thinking that dictates that if someone loves someone they would, as you have done, stepped up. Nope. Not true. They may not be as good as you, as strong as you, or willing to sacrifice to the extent you are. Or their thinking may be utterly foreign to you. They may believe they have a right to their own lives. That they cannot throw their own lives on the sacrificial funeral pyre for their parents. That they are not gods or Saints. That they didn't cause this and aren't able to cure it, and are not strong enough to take up the work you are doing.
I can only say, let it go.
You can only make choices for yourself.
My love and admiration out to you, but I could not do what you are doing on my best day.
Why do some stand up against aggressors while others run away?
Why do some people like vanilla and others prefer chocolate?
We all have different stories.
The question now is what happens when person B gets sick? I don’t want to take that on.