Why do the caregivers always become isolated from others?

When my wife was diagnosed with MS our friends of that time slowly left our lives. Although they have been replaced with fewer more quality friendships, even those new friendships will never be carefree and easy ones. I’ve had 35 years to label friendships under our circumstances. They’re my own thoughts which change as time goes on. Our early friendships fit for all of our social lives at that time. But I think that type of carefree friendship didn’t fit the atmosphere that followed her MS. I don’t think they had the ability to adjust to our life change. It was uncomfortable for us all with MS in the room. They didn’t know how to relate to such a dynamic change. Basically, they didn’t have that depth of understanding, nor how to define true friendship. As new friends came along they New the landscape of our lives going into it. But keep in mind, nobody really knows what people in our position really go through. For most of us, I think, it’s hard to have an Upbeat aura of happy around us. The same goes for family. And almost all of them awkward and off balance toward us. We don’t grow up as children learning how to deal with such things. The kid, that’s always in there somewhere really gets scared.
Then it boils down to a rare few with true compassion and understanding and are more aware of how painful and difficult things must be by considering how they would handle such a life. I have one or two friends who are special that way. But make no mistake, I ultimately live alone and lonely. Intimacy, physical or emotional, isn’t a part of my life. From what little I know from being on this site for 2 weeks, most of us aren’t too much different.
If I make contact with my friends they respond and are happy to hear from me. The conversation is short and sometimes uncomfortable. The important things in each of our lives is just to different.

Very well said, Istuscany.

I have a "friend" that has her 88 year old diabetic, hypertensive mother living with her for the past 11 years. The mother is a very opinionated woman and makes life rough.

My friend works full time and refuses to cater to her mother's increasing needs. She'll leave for the weekend or goes out to movies or dinner. This would sound great--how autonomous of her--not being defined as just a caregiver--having a life of her own and something "else" to talk about.

The bad part is that her mother is becoming more and more forgetful. She has left the stove on, the water running, the refrigerator door open, the front door open, gets the mail but "looses" it, to name a few. My friend took the knobs off the stove but seems very casual about everything else. She sets up her mom's meds in the Medi-planner but mom has to remember to take them and not forget which day it is. Mom is also loosing her sight.

I've been encouraging her to check into Medi-Cal (Medicaid) for when she needs to be placed. She's finally done some investigation but isn't through by any means.

I think my friend has had enough of caregiving and wants her life back. She wants to rejoin her circle of friends and have it be like the good old days. Sounds good. She's only 49.

But, IMO, she's sacrificing her mother's safety to do this. I've had to stop talking to her about it because I get frustrated. She knows my opinion. I think she's "fried", feels she has lost her life and wants it back.
Then be responsible and place your mom in a safe environment first, then go party.

Glad you found this site LSTUSCANY, it’s very helpful.

I like your comment about the kid that we all have within us who gets scared.. yet kids not only get scared, they can also be self centered and selfish, maybe without really meaning to. I think that also explains part of “friends” or even relatives behavior. They just prefer to ignore, to avoid. I don’t really blame them, but it is lonely, exactly how you describe it.

Glad your wife can count on you and that you’ve found the strength and love to be her everything, not with the romantic connotation that phrase has when young and in love, but now, when it’s true meaning really comes to life!

Sandysl

You have more in common than you think with your friends.

How many of these women are now widowed or their spouse is currently residing in a nursing home?

Should they be either of the 2, ask them how they coped with the situation before their spouse died or now resides at a different address (as Rev Billy Grahmn stated to family members and friends).

Again, if they fall into either category they have been freed by death or having to move the spouse out of the home.

Those who have a spouse in a nursing facility; ask them how often they visit their spouse, how long they stay, what they do that the staff does not for their spouse.

If these women who have a spouse in a nursing facility do not visit, do something special, limit their visiting time; I would say, in my opinion, they have thrown the baby out with the bath water, decided someone else can do the job and they are now free of all responsibility.

I have called so many nursing/rehab facilities and each have told me that I do not have any idea how many families drop off and leave never to return until they get "the call".

Read the newspaper, watch a news channel anything that will keep you up with current affairs.

I know you are tired due to everything you are doing, but take 15 minutes periodically during the day for you.

If you're a member of AARP, ask what they can do to help....you pay "dues" to belong!

If the group you mentioned has a newsletter, have it emailed to you.

It's going to be ever so difficult, but I'd try to think of it like this:

When you had your babies and none of your friends had babies, you most likely talked about your bundle of joy all of the time. Your friends didn't tell you, but they got tired of hearing about your baby.....until they had their own! Really, how long can any one stand listening to how long the delivery took, labor pains, the weight/inches of the baby.....

These same issues happen when you're the last one in their shoes. They should be helping you by expressing what they had to go through along with how they dealt with it.

It's life in the reverse and we all will need help at the beginning/end.