Why do so many aging parents expect their children to do ALL the caregiving work?

Guess I'll add my two cents worth here. Yes, my now 94 year old Mom, with vascular dementia, always said she did not want to be put into a Nursing Home. That, If I put her in one, she would do SOMETHING to herself. And, when she would talk about the past, she would tell the story about how, when she got pregnant (at 18) with my Dad, she hoped that she would have a boy so that she wouldn't have to have any more children. Well,...she had me....her only daughter and then a son who now lives a three days ride from her. And since Mom also says that she didn't want to be a burden to her children, she is now grateful that she has a daughter, me, who is her sole responsible person. When she begins to think about it, she asks me....who will take care of you when you get old? Then apologizes for being a burden to me....which is when I tell her that maybe she should have had more kids. Yes, I begrudge being the only one here to have the experience of being caretaker for her. We've never really had a close relationship and for the most part, I don't like my Mom. I may love her, but I would never seek her out as a friend. But, to answer your question....my grandparents on both sides, came to America from Europe. I believe the thinking there is that the children are "supposed" to take care of their elders when that time comes. It's just the natural course of events in that country. And so, here we are, fulfilling that legacy.

Hang in there, Dorianne, and stay firm and steadfast in your resolve to do only what you can when you can. They will survive. And so will you.

My moms initial comment 4 years ago was. Don't you want this money? It's your inheritance and you should do the work yourself.

All of you are a Godsend! I have an 87 year old narsistic mother. I have done for her all of my life, but never enough. Up until 2 months ago she lived by herself. She would not let anyone in the house to help except me. She fell and broke her arm and was hospitalized for 5 days. I took that opportunity to secure an AL. Moved her in and it’s been a living hell for the last 2 months. Nasty, manipulative, and hurtful. She has been this way all of her life but she if off the charts now. I am now going through the process of separation. I decided that I would manage her care and finances but not have a relationship with her. This may sound harsh to some, but she will literally kill me. I’ve learned that I have been in a co dependent relationship with her all of my life. I spent most of my life trying to please and get approval from her. At 58 I was still doing it. All of her needs are taken care off at the AL. She has been calling all week (leaving messages) that she needs eye drops, aspirin etc. I finally called her back and told her I was sick ( I have Crohns) and can’t get her her eye drops. Her replies was “well how am I going to get what I need”. No acknowledgement that I was sick. I so understand what everyone on this thread is going through. I just had to make the decision that I come first now. It’s hard as hell but that’s the only way I will survive this. Love to all who are going through this sad situation. Terri

I think aaudrey is missing the point. If you are on this site, it is because you are helping your parents. I know for sure my brother who doesn't lift a finger doesn't even know what this site is and if he did, he certainly wouldn't bother looking at q&a.

I also think the argument that parents sacrificed for you, so you should do the same doesn't fly. First of all, everyone's circumstances are different. Secondly, most parents CHOSE to have children knowing full well the responsibility. You cannot say the same for elderly, ailing parents. And a lot of the reasons for the ailments are selfinflicted by poor diet, lack of exercise and smoking/drinking. That isn't the case with a child. Add to that the fact that as a parent you have authority over a child and it is a lot easier to pick up said child and load them into the car for a doctor's appointment or wherever YOU as the adult need to go. With a parent, it is unlikely that they will listen to you and they have their own needs, wants and agenda. At times it is like herding cats... It just doesn't work.

I cared for my husband more than 35 years following an auto accident. This was in addition to working full time, raising two children, and changing careers. I'm familiar with the emotions and thought processes discussed here because I went through it. After my husband died in 2012, I had time to reflect and wanted to share my advice and offer support to others. I started by leading a class for caregivers at my church, then started a website for this purpose, and finally wrote a short book. If anyone is interested, "Gentle Caregiver: Practical Advice and Support for the Family Caregiver" is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. It's also available through their lending library. I've heard from several people who found it to be very helpful, so I wanted you to be aware of it. Check out the preview and reviews to see if it could help you deal with the stress and challenges of family caregiving. I wish you the best on this special calling!

Just heard a very interesting story that may fit here. My cousin's friend has an 89 yo father at home. He has multiple ailments, and has really become a burden. When the son tried to convince him to go into a nursing home, his response was: "No way am I going into one of those dumps, way too many old people there! I have over $5 million dollars worth in assets. Do you want me to leave it to you, or to charity? Quit your job, and stay home to take care of my old az_!!"

Mary, you are making a false assumption in that parents always take care of their children - ask the police, emergency room personnel, etc. etc. But that said, there are reasonable limits - no one is anyone else's lawful prey - there is no right for parents to abuse children

In my own experience my late mother waited until the virtual eleventh hour and EVEN THEN she didn't ask for help! She angered me by not telling me sooner! Good grief... she was an epic fail at keeping house independently. The last straw was such low blood pressure that she was on the verge on passing out!

I wonder if some of these folks getting offended/upset by the idea that not all of us love looking after our parents....

....are parents who are scared their adult children might not love looking after them, either now or someday down the road?

So....the question I originally asked wasn't whether people should or shouldn't look after their parents.

The question was why so many parents expected their adult children to do it ALL. To do everything for their parents, 24/7, with no help at all. 

I feel like some (SOME, not all) people just flew into a rage without really reading the entire post.  I really wish people would read before replying.  Be responsive instead of reactive.

This is an issue that comes up all the time in the forum.  I wanted to start a thread for people to talk about it, a place for people to vent.  And also put out a call for ideas on how to manage the issue.

Parents who expect adult children to quit jobs, move across the country, and/or stop caring for their own spouse and children (!!!) in order to look after them, all because they don't want to access the professional or volunteer supports available. What kind of parent expects that of their children?

Parents who refuse the home supports that are meant to assist the family, by giving the caregivers some relief from their 24/7 duties - enabling them to keep jobs, raise families, have social lives. What kind of parent doesn't want their children to have a break or a life of their own?

Parents who expect to be served like kings and queens, night and day, while their adult children have no lives whatsoever. What kind of parent does that to their adult children?

Parents who watch their adult children get sick, have heart attacks, become depressed and anxious.  How does anyone watch their child suffer because of the workload they're placing on them, but not actually SEE the suffering? 

Some have expressed that dementia is the cause of parents' inability to recognize the problem.  I agree that is true in some cases, but not all.  In my case, mom's inability to see started long before dementia.

Dorianne, I believe it is because they are selfish and don't care about their children. They are just like a spoiled child. What would happen to them if they had no children? I know my mother didn't care how much she put me out. She wanted what she wanted. She would sit by the window and think of 36 hours of work for me to do every day if I would have done it. 

Sometimes, it is the children who, for example, think dust will kill you.  So, they jump in and dust and clean to their satisfaction.  Mom wouldn't have anyone in the house, so it got pretty dusty before she would see to clean the dust off.  Too, if they don't move, soon they can't move, use it or lose it.

Now, I also know it is hard to get old and can't do stuff. I am getting there fast. For example, my husband and I have always painted and maintained our own houses. My Son-in-Law is a general contractor. Are we going to ask him to paint the outside of the house? Heck NO!!! I am getting a painting contractor to do it for us. Why burden them with the 1-1/2 hour drive one way, and probably the loss of income? When my Granddaughter blows through town (she is a Free Spirit), if she has time and needs money, I have her help me do deep cleaning and I pay her $20.00 an hour, put gas in her truck, and take her out to eat because she is a Vegan and we don't eat that way.

So, to me, to ask your child to give up their life and money for you is nothing more than pure selfishness.  Funny, as my mother used to say, "You pay for your raising by raising your own kids".

My uncle told his kids he didn't want to be a burden and proceeded to do just that by getting himself in an assisted living place. On the other hand, my mom never talked about it but she and I have always been close and it was a no-brainer that I would take care of her. She, my husband and I live together. In fact, my husband has his own bedroom and I sleep with Mom because she's a fall risk. When she was in a SNF after surgeries from a bad fall, the SNF allowed me to stay with Mom 24/7 because she was a fall risk. My husband doesn't complain too much and also helps when he can (in the beginning, his views of what was going on wasn't as understanding as it is currently)--he's also having his own issues, possibly arthritis or diabetes type 2 (he refuses to see a doctor but I work in the medical industry and his symptoms indicate these conditions or some such things). Caregiving is not for the faint of heart. Parents shouldn't expect it, but at the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable for some kids to decide to look after their parents, whether they think it's payback or not. I periodically partake in caregiver support events in order to regroup as necessary and I get into spats with Mom but more often than not, I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with Mom and dread the day when that will all change. Everyone who knew us way back when, said that I was joined at the hip to Mom when I was a rugrat, so I think it's karma we're joined at the hip in her old age (support groups frown upon the recipient of caregiving attending meetings or trainings but if they won't let Mom be with me, I won't go). It's not for everyone though and shouldn't be forced or guilted. Even though some moments are challenging, I can't imagine my life without Mom.

Note to Dorianne: You travelled 350 km? I used to travel between Sydney and NYC every few months! it was because Mom was not accepting help (well educated woman), the system did not support and provide her good care giving,she was bullied by her neighbours,care givers... she had no insight about her memory issues. She was living alone after our dad's demise. This is a long , sad story and a stressful situation!

MaryKathleen - I also wonder if sometimes the elderly person just thinks it's going to be temporary? I know up till very recently, my mom has always had an attitude of "when I feel better." Like, she was going to "get to it" when her health improved. She has end stage renal disease but somewhere in her mind, I think she really thought she was going to get well enough to be independent again, and be able to do all those tasks for herself once more. So maybe part of her saw me running myself ragged as a temporary situation! 

It's heartbreaking, because it's either let someone live in an unsafe situation or break their delusion and send them into a depressed state.

Dorianne - your posts are spot on! I have children and will never "expect" them to care for me when I get old. They always tell me they will, but I don't want them to ever have to put me on a toilet or clean up after I've soiled myself, etc. Maybe I won't ever reach that point. Regardless, I will make sure they don't have to give up their lives for mine. It's not fair to them, their future children, etc. Thanks for opening this thread and to heck with those shamers out there :-) They haven't walked a mile in anyone's shoes but their own.

You said it very well. Sounds exactly like my situation. Only I had to cut all ties. Now I see my love for her was pretty much one sided since she always favored the baby. At the end I felt like a janitor and the spoiled one would come and find fault with everything I did. Why would mother even relay this to me. Then tell all the good the other sibling would do. Did she do it to all of us to draw more attention to herself and get the competitive rivals going. She was even unthankful to my husband. No respect or empathy whatsoever. I see from the huge responses on this thread that much of this goes on. Hugs to you and hoping it gets better.

Where is my comment asking bullies to go elsewhere? Why is it not here?

joanne - somebody must have reported it. :-(

I think it's a form of denial - One way is that they think this is a temporary state that will resolve soon. Another way it could be denial is that if they ask their adult children, then they're just getting a little help. The act of hiring someone is admitting they have a serious problem, or that they need help. Maybe the act of hiring someone announces to the world that they can't live independently any more. If it's their adult children, they can pretend that it's a social visit (with a little help now and again) to the outside world.

Joanne: I remember your post (loved it), but I can't find it either. Dorianne's probably right.

I’m an only child. My father passed 23 years ago and my mom is still living. She never had to take care of another person’s house, bills, medical information, doctors appointments while raising a family and then having my own grandchildren and squeezing everyone in - oh and working and take care of your own house and health too. Then she wonders why I’m cranky and not happy! Something needs to be done (health insurance wise) to incorporate more help for elders and their caregivers!

Dorianne, I think you are on to something. My Aunt who is 91 is in AL. I called her the other day and she was saying that she can't stay there forever. She has Long Term Health Insurance. She talked about hating to sell her home because she wanted to go back. Then she says, "I probably won't be able to because I am wheelchair bound now". I told her she is correct, she can't live alone with her health like it is.

She is one of the lucky ones. She is still in her old neighborhood and she has a gal she pays to take her places and bring her stuff from the store. This gal has worked for her since before she had to go to AL. Her neighborhood has huge lots and people are buying them up for insane amounts of money, tearing the houses down, and building McMansions. So, she probably won't run out of money. Nevertheless, she pays someone to help her, she doesn't expect anyone to do it for free.

I think I would lose my sh** completely if I didn't have home support, because without them, every moment of my caregiving life would be like bedtime tonight.

Mom's been reasonably cooperative since I put my foot down and said we're doing this my way now. But sometimes, she still tries every little thing to control the situation. Like, I can't go to bed until I get her to bed. She won't be able to get to bed on her own.  Or she just won't go - she'll stay on the couch and fall on the floor in the night.  So she deliberately slows down and delays everything, and finds a dozen things she needs to do first, making excuses like a little kid. Always making me wait, leaving me standing there, waiting to help her (get up, get on the toilet, get into bed, etc.). I can say, "I'm really tired, let's go to bed now," and she'll snap, "Just a minute!" Always got to get the last little bit of control in.

Last words said tonight. Me: "Good night, mom." Mom: "I'm getting right back up." Me: "WHY?" Mom: "I'm not tucked in right." This wasn't even a cute thing where she wanted a kiss or a hug; it was a positioning thing. She looked at me expectantly, waiting to be re-positioned. Finally, I said, "I'm not breaking my back to pick you up. If you can't move yourself, we'll have to get a lift." "NO LIFT!" Turns out she can re-position herself just fine, and I said goodnight again.

It took 45 minutes to get her from the couch to the toilet to lights out.

And somebody alluded to caregiving elders as akin to caregiving children. No. Just no.

For one thing, I could pick up a kid and take them to bed, and let them scream their little head off. For another, I could use less scream-inducing tactics, like taking away privileges. I could do the Big Count like my dad did. "You have to the count of 3. One......two....." Either way, it would have taken 15 minutes tops. But you can't do any of that with an adult. You just can't. And unlike a kid, if you take away their privileges, they won't learn from it for next time, either.

With a child, you have authority.  You are the authority figure.  With a parent, they still think THEY are the authority figure. 

It really does feel sometimes like she sees me as a servant. Waiting to serve. "Stand at my side, child, until I've decided when you may serve me."

And she is cognizant enough to know what a lift is, having never seen one outside a hospital, and cognizant enough to know it would be a huge indignity for her....so I just find it hard to believe this is all dementia's fault.

This is why I need home support. Because I can't deal with this all on my own, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  But even in her aware moments, she doesn't really understand why I could possibly need help.

I can't believe I gave her the benefit of the doubt a few posts ago, lol!

A big part of my situation with my dad is his lack of forethought. He is currently in his 60s and when I try to discuss planning for more advanced needs later on, he says he "won't be around in 20 years so no point". It's scary for him to think about, I understand that, but with no savings or planning his 'golden years' are shaping up to be a very scary place.

I really feel like illness and end of life need to become less taboo. Society as a whole need to get to a place where families can openly discuss these needs and plan for our futures, even the scary outcomes we'd rather ignore.

My mother had no trouble discussing end of life issues, but it didn't help. She started saying at least 15 years ago that if she reached the point where she couldn't take care of herself, she'd swallow a bottle of pills, and that she wanted to be cremated and no funeral. Period. End of story.

Of course, none of us could see the future, expect perhaps Mom because she could see some of her friends having to accommodate themselves to disabilities and infirmities. But she staunchly avoided considering any of the solutions they used, such as assisted living. She held on to her "if it gets too bad, I'm checking out." position.

Of course, nobody is going to swallow pills the first time they need assistance after surgery, or can't use a stepladder because their balance is too poor. So little tasks start being farmed out, mostly to me when I would visit her from several states away. It got to where she'd have a whole "daughter-do" list that I was expected to complete before leaving. Stupid me, I eventually moved down to Florida to help her out, and dragged my two older sisters into it as well. (They were already living in Florida). Mom of course is delighted. Now that she has an army of helpers, the pill bottle can be thrown away. A whole new plan for her old age has manifested, with no effort or sacrifice on her part at all.

What I take from this is that people avoid planning for old age not only (or mainly) because it's scary and unpleasant, but because planning would require hard choice, and sacrifices. Saving money. Working longer. Downsizing. Being willing to move to assisted living. My mother has successfully avoided all of that. I can't say it was her plan to dump the whole problem in the laps of her adult children, but she sure doesn't seem to be the least upset about it, either.

Oh, Dorianne, I hear you! Like you, I can't go to bed until she does, and I'm usually worn out from doing everything during the day. The interruptions are constant. Funny though, when Sisters have Mom, she goes to bed early. With me, she fights sleep to stay up late even though there have been a few times I've begged her to go to bed because I'm exhausted.

This morning I'm dizzy and brainless from the FIVE times she got out of bed during the night. Since she's an extreme fall risk and has great difficulty walking and can't remember how to use the toilet, I throw back the covers and head toward her. Then before heading to bed she demands to go into the kitchen. "No! You're going to bed," I rule. She doesn't fight that much, but goes to bed. Been a long, hard night and it's going to be a long, hard day though Sisters are coming over and they can care for her while I take a nap.

MountainMoose, don't know if it's good or bad but at least you hear her get up

debdaughter: Good hearing is a double-edged sword. I appreciate having great hearing, but this is a noisy neighborhood at all hours. Plus, last night between when Mom got up five times, the majority of the night she carried on a conversation with someone, sometimes she was LOUD. Plus there are times she snores LOUD. No sleeping through all that. What I do for Mom is exhausting enough, but toss in sleep deprivation, life is even harder.

"I wonder if some of these folks getting offended/upset by the idea that not all of us love looking after our parents....

....are parents who are scared their adult children might not love looking after them, either now or someday down the road?"

Dorianne - I have always thought this. The first person I ever argued with about caregiving was my best friend at the time I started taking care of my mother. She turned on a dime from being my strongest support and ally to being contemptuous, disapproving, and almost bullying when I expressed my aggravation about how demanding my mother was becoming. She said curtly "They take care of you when you're little - you take care of them when they're old" followed by a snarky "I don't know why people think they should be carefree their entire lives."

Needless to say, she is no longer my friend. No, she never cared for her own parents (they both died young) but more than that, I'm sure her reaction came from angst at the thought that her only child, to whom she devoted her entire life (and never let him forget it), would most likely refuse or strongly resist helping when she started needing care. I understood where she was coming from honestly, but all the same, I won't have anyone in my life who is so unsupportive of me. I'd certainly never accept them as a friend. It's just too bad.

“Why so many parents expected their adult children to do it ALL. To do everything for their parents, 24/7, with no help at all.”

I've seen the healthcare system. It's horrific! That's why I would want my husband or adult children to take care of me. However, this doesn't mean they can't hire someone to help out. I think it's a matter of trust. I don't trust strangers will make the correct decisions when it comes to taking care of me. I don't think they will be doing what they are supposed to be doing when no one is watching. I don't think I'll feel comfortable around them. And if I'm senile, I'll probably have trouble adjusting to change and might get confused and disoriented with all the different healthcare workers. I'll want familiarity, to be home with those I feel closest to.

I recommend doing things slowly. You can start with hiring someone to rake the lawn. Be there when the person comes. Then hire other people. Your mom might not pay at first, but once she gets used to it, she might start chipping in.

If you want to know the answer to why your mom wants you to do everything, then you will have to ask her. If you feel she isn't telling you the truth, then give her options. Is it because of A? Is it because of B? Knowing what her issues are will help you to address them.