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I have taken care of Mom for 16 years. Mom is now 91 & her health, for the past 3 years, has been declining. My sister(works full time) has been wonderful, filling in when I am unable(I work per diem 2 12 hour shifts/wk). 2 brothers, are another story. I have always kept them informed re:Mom regularly, yet they remain uncaring & unavailable , but when Mom is hospitalized, which is more frequently now, they & their wives are all over me with their "Why didn't you do this?" Yadda,Yadda, Yadda,questions. I have answered their questions patiently & have politely told them all along " if they can do a better job than me, then by all means, take over".I'm 63 now& tired.

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I am new here, I just want you to know, which you probably do, you are not alone. I am the youngest of nine caring for my mom who is completely bed bound. Everytime even a sniffle happens I alert the rest of the family about it. and I get the same response from them as you get from your family.
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@nature73: I'm not familiar with the term prairie dogs. Is that like vultures?
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I know this may sound heartless & cruel, but it's interesting who "prairie dogs" when money or a will is in the mix.
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@gladimhere; I wish I could "LIKE" your answer. 1000 times! Sad, but so true.
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Caring, you may be blamed if mom is moved. That is ok and I am sure over 16 years you have developed a very thick skin, we all do or we would not survive.
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Update: Thanksgiving Day. I know this is probably not the best day to have a meeting, but we were all going to be there. My sister came. Younger brother & SIL (who cause ALL the grief😖) were no shows. Ok, I told my sister I was stepping away due to the continuous scrutinizing, criticizing, their upsetting Mom with their barrage of questions. I love my sister, but her response was "I can't take care of Mom". I said " There are 3 of you & you 3 need to make a plan on how you will manage Mom's care( of course, if needed I'll guide them)I've been caring the ball for 16 years & I'm past my expiration date(no pun intended)". The next scenario I'm preparing for is -IF the majority(sibs) chooses to place Mom in a convalescent home, I KNOW Mom will blame me.😪
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Dear CaringRN, Sounds like you have been an amazing daughter to your mother. I know its hard when the siblings do not offer to help or give you any respite. In my case, I felt very angry and resentful. There is no appreciation or even validation just criticism. It is very hard to take. Your mother is very lucky to have you. A caring and thoughtful daughter. I can understand you are tired. I think what you said is how anyone would have responded. I hope you can get some respite.
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So true
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Ah ha! The anomaly of caregiving… I always tell people who start Caregiving there is a rule and it's called "you do all the work, and everything else does all the complaining". Sad, but true.
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Guilt.
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@christine73,katiekay,mid kid,tacy022-I think you are absolutely right! Thank you all for the responses
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I have to agree with midkid - to a point. My oldest brother pretty much stopped having much to do with my parents years ago. From then on his involvement was two - three visits a year even though he is retired and lives about 30 minutes away. In late August my mom has "the fall" - the game changer - and was taken to the ER. Usually it's me who gets to sit with her for the miserable hours on end that her ER trips become. Sometimes my middle brother would relieve me. On this occasion my hubby was still at work with four hours to go - I would have had to take my severly autistic son to the ER with me, which isn't a good idea. So I tried to get ahold of middle brother - no answer. I called my oldest brother to see if he knew where middle brother was, he usually does. But to my great surprise oldest brother and his wife offered to go to the ER! They stayed with her for six hours and even drove the additional 45 minutes to the hospital they were transferring mom to and got her checked in and settled. Even called and texted me though out with updates. I was both stunned and grateful! Maybe sometimes you've just got to be specific and direct when asking a sibling for help.
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I would lobe to know the answer to this. I should hand the question over to my do-nothing sister. Lol! This happens a lot when someone dies. The non-existent relative comes out of nowhere and tries to take control. It's their last chance to do something they know they should have been doing all along...caring. My sister is retired and lives 4 hours away, yet she has not come to visit my mom in the 16 months she's been in a nursing home. I, on the other hand, wanted to move out of state, but didn't because them my mom would be here vulnerable and alone. My common sense told me that staying was the right thing. No one had to guilt me into it. It's about degrees of selfishness.

They give you grief to cover for themselves. Acting like they care...what a joke!
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Sounds like you have done all you can do. Inform them nicely. Offer the job to them. Why are you the one doing it? How would they feel if you decided you did not want to provide the care any longer? Is that an option?
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I think it is broader - the general family feel they can give advice everywhere. I have a seven year old son - doing well in school and well adjusted happy kid. Yet everytime I get together with extended family - I'm told what I should be doing differently. At Christmas my mother in law and her sister gave me OPPOSING advice - I played naughty "but MIL told me....." but "auntie told me...." and enjoyed their arguing about it. Out of my hair.

But - since you are caregiving for a mutual parent - you might take them up on their clearly superior knowledge and turn mum over to their care :)
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I think it has to do with them not helping in other (more meaningful ways).. this is a way to appease their guilt and make them feel as though they are caring and concerned. This happens to me all the time with relatives who don't appear to want to lift a finger for my parents or visit or call them..but the minute they are in the hospital they are all over me wanting updates and offering unsolicited "advice".

My older sister NEVER calls my parents.. she manages to call when they are in the hospital though..

In my estimation though it has to do with appeasing their deep down guilt... and they are feeling as though they are helping .... always from afar.

((Hugs)).. I bet you are tired after all these years!
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CaringRN-
It is REALLY easy to sit in the "peanut gallery" and make comments and observations..and really HARD to be in the trenches doing the actual work. (yes, I a mixing metaphors here). If you are the one doing the most and the other sibs can contribute, but just aren't--all you can do is talk to them. Right to their faces, if needs be.
In my family, mother's care sort of slid from her being very independent to being almost totally dependent on others without a lot of notice taken by the other sibs. She lives with one brother, in her own attached apt. He took care of the few things she needed, I'd go up once or twice a week to clean and help out. Once her health began a quick decline following hip surgery, she could no longer drive or really do much for herself. Sadly, she's also declining mentally, and needs a LOT more "attention". The other 3 sibs kind of don't "get it". I had to really get angry with them recently and tell them that she's now become a "burden" and they HAD to step up. They'd just become complacent and figured if anything happened, they'd hear about it. All mother wants from any one of them is ATTENTION and a listening ear. So far, once sister has taken mother to a dr's appt and also found her a better PCP. That was really helpful. Honestly, while there are plenty of family members who won't do anything, a lot of times it's simple miscommunication. If your family is giving you grief--tell them to take Mom for a week and see how lovely it is. (They won't last a day).
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Please see if you can give them specific tasks. People are reluctant to be the primary caregiver. But giving small actionable tasks may get them involved. It can be as simple as asking them talk to your mom on the phone once every week.
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We have the same problem and have concluded that they dont care and are trying to make us feel guilty so they can look themselves in the mirror. Our new social worker has now told other family they need to stay out of everything unless they are willing to step up to the plate. Dont be hard on yourself and dont feel obligated to waste your time
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