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Out of love? Out of respect? Those would be the standard answers but those things are long gone. I'm left with anger and hatred and, on good days, nothing at all. Walking through the day in a numb daze.


I have this vague notion that I'm avoiding the regrets and guilt. That if I walked away I would always feel like I hadn't done enough but that thoughts been buried along with my dreams. If I survive this . . . when I can actually walk away and have my life back the only memories I'll have of my parents will be bad ones. Nobody has seen the dementia take over my mother's body but me. Babbling, mumbling, yelling and screaming. The chattering of teeth in the dark. The mocking. The blaming. They only see the daytime. They only see the tip of the iceberg.


I go through each day in a haze. Listing every mistake I've made that brought me to this point. Wondering if this will every end. Wondering if I'll be alive when it does. Wondering if anyone else will ever wake up and see what happening right in front of their faces and if it does will their be anything left of me. If I could only sleep. If her dementia would just let me sleep awhile.


(Please no "get help" or "see a doctor" or "join a group". If I could get out of the house I wouldn't be on this forum every day. I'd be out of the house and still have my sanity. If I had the time to go do those things I wouldn't have the need to go do those things.)

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HUGS Gremlin, I feel your pain! So Sorry things are Tough right now, I'm praying that some much needed Sleep is in your near future! Are there Any meds that might knock her out during the night so you can sleep too? Have you tried simple Benadryl? Tylenol PM (which is tylenol & benadryl combo) works wonders for me! Take Care!
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Reply to staceyb
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You don’t want advice or an answer. Just know we care about and worry about you. Many hugs.. ❤️❤️❤️💕💕💕
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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No need for validation . . . just talking to myself.
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Reply to Gremlin
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Dear Gremlin, It sounds like you don't really want help, just validation. Although I don't have to deal with emotional abuse, I am struggling with exhaustion and burnout too. My heart goes out to you. I think the reason you keep on doing it is that you feel a deep sense of responsibility. And what was once an act of caring and love, has just become exhaustion, depression and anger. You know your needs and you've shared thoughtful advice with others - you are very knowledgeable of what it means to be a caregiver. I pray you will heed some of that advice. Please take care of you. 💙 Someone once sent me hugs and I send some to you .... ((( HUGS )))
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Reply to dlpandjep
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