Why do I find it so heartbreaking to watch my parents decline?

I don't see how anyone could like seeing their parents decline. It seems like a pretty natural reaction to me. You know I was thinking the other day that I just turned 57 and my body is changing and things get harder as you get older. Sitting on the floor used to be fun when I could get up easy but now I'm sure I must look like an old feeb hanging on to coffee tables etc. to boost myself. LOL

I think as we watch our loved ones change and decline before our eyes we must remember that they have been watching themselves do this for years and it's not a big shock to them anymore. It's been a process that has been happening to them for a while just like with ourselves. So when you feel sad and can't face visiting them cause it hurts to see the changes just keep in mind that to them this is just another step in their process. It may not make you feel any happier about it but it may help you to relate to them more.

I hope this made sense. It made sense to me when i was typing it. LOL

Els1eL, It's not bad to want to live your life. I think we all feel at some point that we want to live our life. I see on tv people doing different things and would like to do things also. What helps me is to try to think of my blessings and what I'm grateful for.

Do you have a friend you can go out with. It's good to be with others to take away some loneliness and boredom.
All the best

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to answer. Some sound advice - nothing for it but to carry on as best I can and perhaps if I try to compartmentalise my life it might help me switch off and be more relaxed.

Of course it's difficult to watch your parents decline, especially when you have vivid memories of them as active, vital people who raised and loved you. However, you didn't create their present situation and can only do so much to mitigate it. Do what you can for them when you can and don't forget to give yourself a break from time to time, whether it's a vacation or a long hot bath with a glass of wine and a good book. Carve out at least one day a week that you keep for you and take a yoga class, see a movie, go for a hike in the woods - whatever suits you and gives you peace. You'll find yourself a whole lot better able to deal with the tedious tasks of care taking if you approach them refreshed. I will admit to groaning when I get out of bed on Sundays, knowing I have to go deal with my mother and I used to feel guilty about it too, but the person the Alzheimers has left me with is not the mother I grew up with. This new woman is a stranger and, although I still love her, it is getting harder to spend any quality time with her. We just have to keep plugging away and hoping someone does the same for us when it's our turn.

Els1eL, the way I looked at the decline was that it was part of the circle of life. I knew that my parents couldn't live forever, they were already pushing the envelope being in their mid-to-late 90's. They both had been active until they got into their 90's so I felt that they had all those extra years to enjoy their life.

I had to forget about living life, as I was too busy helicoptering over my parents. Trying to convince my Mom that they needed caregivers [which fell on deaf ears, sorry for the pun], and trying to convince my Dad that he needed to donate his car [no, he can't drive in an emergency, you call 911].

My folks passed on a couple of years ago, and I haven't got my energy back, still dealing with all the stress [now on meds], and dealing with a ton of health issues that are related to the stress.... [sigh]. Guess I can look at the photos of my parents enjoying their retirement and live through that. I do miss my Dad's sense of humor.

Both my parents also have dementia and are now in memory care... I have been the lone family. member looking after them for about 7 years now.. and I am also wondering how much longer this will go on.. how long will the decline last?

I am also wanting to rebuild some kind of life for myself as I lost so many relationships while caring for them.. including all my siblings, relatives, and any friends I had... my life has been somewhat on hold for over 7 years...and who knows how much longer.

Just wanted to say I understand how heartbreaking it is to be in this situation.. heartbreaking and lonely...

It is also very difficult me to visit them.. and visits take a lot out of me.. Its alls so hard..

(((hugs)))

Every person who walks this earth will one day die. That is THE big common denominator.

And it's nobody's fault. It is what it is. It's life. In order to have life, we also have to have death.

Would you really want your parents to live forever? They sound unhappy now--I think wishing more life on them is actually cruel, at some point.

Every single time I see my mother all she can talk about is how she could kill herself in a week if she just stopped taking all her pills. This is sheer manipulation on her part and I DO NOT play along.

I have NOTHING to feel guilty for. Neither do you. Why would you? Feel guilty at the natural passage of time and life?

If it's guilt over past, unresolved behaviors, then remedy those, as best you can and accept the reality.

I feel for my DH who (15 years after his dad died) still says "Y'know, if dad hadn't had that darn pneumonia, he'd still be here" . Said by a man who was not on the best terms with his father.

It's terribly hard to watch our folks decline, let's face it. What you need is a vacation! Why not plan one for yourself and get away from the whole scene for a while? My husband & I travel at least once a year for 2 weeks and it makes a big difference. I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to live a little before it's too late.........so make it happen!!

Best of luck to you.

Build a life for yourself. Don't make them the whole focus of your existence. Their decline will hurt anyway. That is to be expected, but you need other things to think about. There is nothing wrong with wanting an interesting life. But no one can arrange that for you but you. Have you thought about therapy to work through these feelings?

As another poster often says, “You can only feel guilty if you've done something wrong.” Have you? Did you ever neglect or abuse your parents? Steal their money or anything else? If not, you have no reason to feel guilty. Were you their caregiver and that’s why your life was on hold? And now you feel guilty because they’re in a facility? No reason there to feel guilty. Possible solution: visit less. If they both have dementia, chances are they don’t know you’ve been there anyway. Keep visits short. You don’t need to be there for hours and hours. That’s depressing. When you’re not there, do what you want, even if it’s playing video games on your iPad. You take care of you!