My mom was 92 and has swallowing problems for the last few years. She had gotten down to about 75 pounds. I had to take her to the GI doctor to have her throat stretched every 4 months just for her to survive, with the last time being July 2nd. Even after the stretching she was only able to eat soft food. Due to this, she continued to be suffer from malnutrition. She always said no feeding tube so that was not an option. When we returned home from the GI procedure, I thought she would be ok. But for the rest of the month, she said she was tired and would only eat a few bites a day. Then at the end of July, she said she was sick and wanted to go to the hospital, even though her communication skills were not great since her mind was not that good either. My brother wanted to go to the hospital with us as well, which he had never done in the past. The ER doctor said she has pneumonia again and should be put in the hospital. My brother adamantly refused saying we should bring her so she wouldn't die in the hospital. She stayed overnight and the next morning receiving 2 antibiotic treatments and sending oral antibiotics home. In a few days, she was dead. I feel so guilty by not making her stay in the hospital. I ultimately blame myself since I had the final say, but I also blame my brother as he kept insisting we bring her home. I can't get it out of my head that she would still be alive today if she had stayed for pneumonia treatment as I now think that have been a big part of her tiredness and not eating the last month. I feel so guilty and so angry at myself and my brother.
I'll tell you a story. My own mother was 92 when she came down with asiration pneumonia again, and was suffering from dementia at the same time. So off to the hospital she went, where her condition was iffy. But they saved her life, only to have her mobility compromised where she went into a wheelchair permanently, and her dementia progressed to where I had to get her from AL into Memory Care. She loved AL and hated Memory Care where she hung on for THREE years, begging for her dead parents and siblings the whole time. Mom should have been taken when the pneumonia struck, not made to hang on with advanced dementia for 3 miserable years more.
Extending a sick elders life is cruel. I wound up praying for God to take mom mercifully for 3 years. He finally did at 95 and it was a blessed relief for her to finally be at perfect peace.
Stop beating yourself up for your mother's peaceful passing. You'd probably be beating yourself up for extending her life and watching her wither away otherwise. Old age and disease is oftentimes a no win situation. But both of our moms are at peace now, and for that we should be grateful. God was ready for them when they passed, and we had no control over anything. Remember that. Give yourself the grace you deserve.
The "what ifs" and "if onlys" are part of grieving. The second guessing and wondering, the anger...all normal grief. Perhaps it would help you to see a grief counselor join a grief group. You have done nothing wrong. ((((hugs))))
Eventually we cannot speak.
We cannot recognize our loved ones oft times.l
We cannot sleep.
We cannot walk.
Eventually we cannot move, and we go into a fetal position with contractures and decerebrate posturing of our bodies so that truly we look as though we are returning to the womb.
YOU DIDN'T CAUSE ANY OF THIS.
Guilt requires causation.
Guilt requires you did something out of evil intent.
Guilt requires that you refuse to fix what you did when you are well able to fix it and refuse to do so out of evil intent.
WORDS MATTER.
You should see a cognitive therapist so that you can work out the way you speak to yourself, as currently labeling yourself guilty is selfl-harming and destructive.
You are looking for another word for all of this.
That word is the one I hope you will replace "guilt" with--call it your other G-word.
The word you need is GRIEF.
Is this all not worth grieving.
I am so sorry, and my heart goes out to you in these terrible times and circumstances, but beating yourself up is uncalled for; please don't do that to yourself. It does you no good and does your loved one no honor.
I doubt at 92 years old and 75lbs a couple more days in the hospital would have made much difference. My mother’s partner, age 95, was treated for pneumonia in the hospital for weeks and died anyway. We often want someone or something to blame when a loved one dies and end up blaming ourselves.
Your mom died of pneumonia, an inability to swallow and old age. Sadly, these are not things that can be fixed. It’s evident from your message that you loved your mom very much, and I’m sure your brother did too.
You did the best you could and gave her the gift of dying at home. I pray that you can find some peace and healing as you go through the grief process. ❤️
What this means is that although pneumonia sometimes can be treated, the kindest and most compassionate thing to do for an old person might be to not treat pneumonia.
You were in an extremely difficult situation. I know first hand how hard it is to make a decision with another person demanding it be a certain way.
Guilt is such a damaging emotion. Do you have a therapist or close friend who can help guide you through what you experienced? It is common to feel guilty about "why did I do this?" or "why didn't I do that?" It won't help you move forward in your life but keep you trapped.
Personally I don't think you made a wrong decision as your mother likely would have died in the hospital instead. Do you really know where she wanted to be? (I know my mother wants to die at home.)
What is one step you can make to move forward in your life?
I had to watch her die at home over the next 5 days. I was thinking was it painful? Did she know what was happening? Was she scared? Is there a heaven? Or is she just...gone? Could I have done something to save her? Did she know how much I love her? What am I going to do without my mom? Oh mom....this can't be real.