Why do I always feel like I am in crisis mode?

Ah yes, the crisis mode.... always waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I know that feeling, I still have it even though my last parent passed just over a year ago, plus two family pets recently from old age. I am hyper at work thus hard to concentrate. When can I finally exhale feeling, right?

I understand how you feel, but I think time helps. Also, it can help to reduce caffeinated beverages (coffee, tea, etc.) as caffeine can magnify anxiety, etc.

Do you ever actually switch off from the issues of daily life? Take time out for yourself, something that you enjoy, gardening, a hobby, take a break, catch up with old friends even if it is you doing the initial contacting.
All the best, Arlene

Tgengine - i have been following your other posts. What happened between your DD and SIL?

While I haven't researched this and don't know specifically if there's medical proof of it, I think that sometimes caregiving can create its own form of PTSD. Imagine the military who've returned to civilian life, and how difficult it is to switch from being on high alert, always anticipating and psyched up to respond to hostilities. It becomes an ingrained, omnipresent mindset.

That alert mode doesn't go away immediately, and sometimes it never does. I think caregiving can produce the same hyped, alert mode.

And the level and length of it would I assume vary by individual as well as would the response.

I've learned on some programs that ex-military people suffering from PTSD have found remediation through animals, caring for them, and accepting the unconditional and nonthreatening love animals have for their humans.

As to the preoccupation with issues needing attention, I've found it helps to create a project list and prioritize, starting with the most important ones, the basics. If you're familiar with zero based concepts, apply those.

I.e. list the projects that are creating the mental chaos, start with a clean slate with zero projects for the day, then add them in the order of importance. Cf., what absolutely has to be done today, what can be done tomorrow, and which are less priority and can be done when the higher level tasks are completed? That's what helps me when my mind won't stop churning and the tasks seem endless and all immediate.

I think of this when I read posts by people who have so much to deal with, but the typical female chores and responsibilities of cleaning are included. I.e., "I have to cook, clean, chauffeur...."

For caregivers, those are lower priorities in my opinion; care and health of the caregiver and elder are higher. The floor will get dirty tomorrow even if it's cleaned today, and the dust bunnies have managed to establish permanent residence.

Factor out the less important, keep only the mandatory tasks, then use the rest of the time for relaxation. And this applies to work as well; you always have to prioritize your tasks.

It’s seems you are the GO TO GUY, the ROCK, that everyone counts on for everything. It gets old. Are people taking you for granted? Can you pull in a couple apron strings?

Maybe a bad comparison bit it’s like the mom who went on strike. Family members had to learn to take care of themselves. Assign, delegate, relax.

Because you have been in crisis mode; and what you feel is "calmed down" is probably still almost too much to manage. I have cared for my mom (now 95) in my home for 14 years; I know; I live this life every day. My best suggestion for you is to breathe, try to eat well, try to rest whenever you can; try to get good help if you can possibly afford it; and yes "it is hard to concentrate on business or relax"; it is really very difficult; unfair; not completely understandable; hard on your mind and body; and yes; I don't see my friends like I used to; and in fact I don't seem to do anything like I used to! My thoughts and prayers are with you; Caregal

You've spent 7 years in this mode-it's like a surge protector getting hit over and over. What has helped me is I take 3 hours a week with friends - we don't talk about anything except light stuff. For three hours, I'm just me - not a caregiver or at work, no one is making any demands on me. Hopefully you have an activity you can do with friends - golf, skiing, watching a football game. And you need to do this on a consistent basis so you have this respite to look forward.

After I retired from my job this summer, my father insisted on coming along with me every time I went anywhere. He is age 89 and can still drive short distances but not on the highway because he knows that his reaction time is probably too slow for higher speed driving. Only in the past month have I finally gone anywhere in the car by myself. I couldn't believe how much better it felt to go somewhere by myself. It was like a flashback to better times. I too wonder about, when being a caregiver is over, if I will ever stop feeling on edge. Things can be fine one minute, and the next thing you know there can be total madness and chaos.

I know what you mean. I feel the same way sometimes. And when I do start to feel pretty good, BAM, something drops in from left field. I just keep praying that things will calm down. But, when our parents are aging and other people in the family who depend on us, have health issues.....I don't think that will improve.

Early this year I started focusing on my health and it really has made a difference. Then, I started to work on a career change. I'm feeling much better and really hope that things will get better. The next step is for me to remove myself from people who are overly anxious. I think anxiety breeds anxiety. lol

Boy, I hear you. And I haven't even gone through what you have been through. I started seeing a good therapist, and it has helped just to talk. We actually just found a great AL place for my Mom and having her live there (she moves next week) will solve all sorts of problems and relieve all sorts of worry. I realized today as I crossed the last major todo off the move plan that I am going to have to retrain my brain. It is so used to being on high alert. And when I'm stressed my response is to plan, plan plan. Which is a pretty useful stress response but it wears on my family members (as I plan plan plan at them) and me.

Good luck, and just know you aren't alone.

You need and deserve a break.
Trust me, a short vacation will feel like heaven.
You will come back refreshed with a new perspective.

Thanks, I have to get back into some fun activities. It is just every time I turn around it is a crisis. As far as Kinber166, DD and SIL are separated. She kicked him out of our house a few weeks ago. Yea! Was very necessary. We have our daughter back! She is talking and nice to us again. He really got in between us and her. She is happy again. It took a level of stress away.
Its just like this AM when dads car heater does not work, I thought I fixed it but for some reason its is not working now. So he waits until last minute and then I have to come up with the solution. He says "I hope I can clean my windshield this AM with the heater broken". So I have him take my spare car (daughters car). Lets hope he pays attention to driving a different car.
Going to dinner with friends tonight. Need to get out more. I have spent so much time close to home it drives me crazy, the down side is my business is in my home to I am here in the middle of it 24/7 so crisis finds me. I tried the gym (hate exercise). I am very involved with many organizations in my business and civic so they help. But I need to break away once in a while. I just feel that I am "on duty" 24/7 and I never fully relax. Going away is hard because of the logistics. Have to sure sure someone is around to care for the house, Dad and the dogs. Now that is it just daughter, she is very helpful so we will appreciate her while she is living with us (not take advantage).
Need to find a way to decompress. Yes, Yogagirl, I do need a vacation, trouble is with a teacher we have to go around their schedule. Makes it difficult. I have planned a week at the lake for next summer, doing something for a week in April in warm weather, that is so far away tho.

I agree...it is because you have been in crisis mode.

Maybe time to get some help. My guess is that an hour or two with a mental health counselor, sorting through all the crap you have been through and coming up with a plan for going forward would be well spent!

I've felt that way ever since my mother was admitted to the nursing home years ago, the hospitalization that had me feeling like my heart was being ripped out, being her POA and dealing with her (she was difficult) and no family support later as they didn't want anything to do with her. I had Post traumatic stress before, but this added to it. I don't think my adrenaline has ever slowed down. Developed frequent PACs and PVCs. I think it really took a toll on my health. I'm still trying to get my life back...it's slow. I pray you can do better

Time to be selfish before you fall apart. Experienced!!

I think that when I also have acted like the ROCK, because an observant and competent person can notice when someone is floundering and see the need for someone to decisively step in, when so many others around have words but no plan to help, so we feel that we will not let the person down - and we step up, and manage it. Doing that, teaches us even better skills. So when another crisis arrives, we feel aware, and do what we can to reassure, help where possible - again being aware, we see that if nobody steps up, there is risk for confusion or neglect that can be fatal if someone is fragile. All good enough, if nature let us step back and develop other interests and ways to interact with others - but when we have been the emergency resolver - crisis resolver - we do have alertness to risks, higher alertness to others around. Our health systems are very fragmented, each specialty working during work hours and in their own silo of focus - anything outside those lines gets lost - if they refer someone, and the referral falls on the weekend, no care arrives until Monday, but some risks cannot wait. meanwhile we've been so good at resolving things, often others don't even see the risks we faced, no matter what words they use to call us "angels".

Major issues in this country and time, of delegation - with instant advice, but little training for management, for training to plan delegation and stay involved through the transition, and on the receiving end of new role delegation - no training for a learning curve and weekly check-ns, so that errors or risks are being anticipated and addressed.

So, the same people are the ones who handle most of the crises, while others are cheerleaders with little experience in specific case risks. What is passed on is lists for care by interchangeable caregivers, who don't learn to notice risks to issues not appearing on their lists to watch.

I have seen this dynamic repeatedly, and when I accept a challenge to "help" I work hard to be available to just watch teh situation repeatedly, show up, so I can see what might be best to do - It can be hard to change our focus, onto building skills to delegate and support and work with new people, because that is not an "on/off" process, even if so many people sellling their services or bystanders, think it is.

I have a cousin who worries about everything, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is just part of her nature, her temperament and there is nothing you can do about your personality makeup but you can learn to cope better. I agree with other respondents that spending some quality time with a mental health professional can help you to put things in proper perspective AND perhaps confirm that your are living a chaotic life style, and that person can recommend a life plan for you. I believe we all have problems, but what makes the difference is how we deal with them. Pray for strength.

"When dads car heater does not work, I thought I fixed it but for some reason its is not working now. So he waits until last minute and then I have to come up with the solution."

Honestly, tgengine, here's something you can work on: stop being the one to fix things. Stop. Unless your father has health issues (mental or physical) that doesn't allow him to figure out to take the car to a mechanic, tell him he needs to fix his own car. If he needs that assistance, then help him take the car to a shop. Stop being the one to produce the solutions.

People look to you to fix things because you allow it. It's hard to stop. I know; I'm like you being the one everyone calls. Now, I offer suggestions, but I will not be the one to carry out the fix to others' problems. It's tough to stand back, but it will make your family members stronger.

Gardenartist is right. Caregivers can have PTSD. I am a therapist that works with trauma victims. PTSD is caused by an event that you believe may be fatal to yourself or someone close to you. You have been there in spades. You need to find a therapist and process all that you have been through. I have my own therapist because of the caregiving that I do and how it triggers my own fears and issues from childhood. Once you have been through one or more trauma those same feelings can get triggered by anything that can even vaguely remind you of the first traumas. When your brain and other biological systems have been stimulated over and over again by those feelings a pattern of fight or flight response gets formed and it is very difficult to break it on your own without professional intervention. Most caregivers on this forum need extra support and sometimes professional support to get through all the acute stress and trauma we go through. Please get help before you start having more symptoms of stress that affect your body and mind.

You won’t know what to do if it’s just yourself!! I went through a similar situation with two parents with Alzheimer’s and a teen, plus job and hubby. Both folks passed.. it is hard to wind down from crisis mode!!

Hillarious, excellent answer and insight. I'm bookmarking your post for future reference.

tgengine what You have just described is Life and it is pretty much more of the same for the rest of Us, but You must remember to take a step back too and make time for You also. I find taking deep breaths, hold for a while and then exhale slowly keeps me focused.
The reason All the Family go to You with their problems is they know You will take it on. Avoid stress, do Your best and learn to enjoy Life and have fun and remember what is undone today can be done tomorrow.

I saw someone mention PTSD well that makes lot of sense for those caregivers whom deal with a lot and get little help. Also look up adrenal fatigue it happens to those people who are in a constant state of panic or extreme stress. It is a coping mechanism for a short time but long periods of it can cause damage to your body. Try and seek some respite care for yourself and recharge your body. Journal things down so you know what triggers you and so it can help you better road map your self care. It is so improtant to take care of yourself first so you can help others as well. I'm so sorry you're feeling so ill.

Mila, good point on adrenal fatigue. I recall doing some research on it sometime ago and shuddering as I read about it. It's an excellent suggestion to remember what can be happening to caregivers w/o our really being aware of the internal changes and damage.

I just checked the Mayo Clinic, a good go-to source, but found that it doesn't consider adrenal fatigue an "accepted medical diagnosis". However, it does address "alleged" symptoms. (But I don't always agree with the Mayo Clinic on its approach to natural remedies or the effect of stress on the body).

This is something I can relate to. I have figured out that I didn't ask any of my family for help, I just do for them. Lately I have started to show them how this affects me and remind them to pay things forward. I think some of this has sunk in. We control our lives ultimately by saying yes, no, or explaining that we need help as well as them.

I think that feeling is because we never really know from day to day what is going to happen. Caregiving is such a roller-coaster ride and not an exciting or joyful one. My advice to myself is to take a deep breath, sometimes walk away, and always-always stop to appreciate every good moment. They are few and deserve to be fully experienced. I think this can help give the strength and resolve to move from crises to crises. The stress does build up over time and that is when you need to reach out to this forum and others for respite help. There are grants and programs that are free of charge that can help. They are not the ultimate answer, but can save your life.

Oh man mayo clinic is a go to for me as well. Especially as a caregiver, but it didn't help my anxiety when looking up my own symptoms hahaha that is a terrible habit to have.

that's why the doctor wanted to put me on stress medicine.

but I'm not entirely stressed with Ray - more that I get frustrated if I don't know what to do. and my BP was up and now it's better too.

I yell at Ray all the time - great stress reliever, lol.

I also was going to say "waiting for the shoe to drop". Its time to say NO. Why were u responsible for BIL and SIL? Anyway, you are down to Dad. So thats where it should stop. You have a business, right there is a good reason. Daughter can take care of herself and grandchild. I pick up my Grand every so often for daughter. One week every day. When she asked if I would take him that Sat I suggested she ask the other grandpsrents. See, I live 4 doors down from daughter so I am convenient. Other grandparents were glad to have them. Its nice to be there for people but longterm caring is a lot of responsibility. Since ur daughter is living with u hopefully she is helping. If not she should be. You have a right to look after yourself. You have done your part. Lets somebody else do it. Take a deep breath.