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My ex called today asking me if I would bring him something to settle his stomach. He said his bp was 168/117 and he was dizzy when he laid down and had nausea. I told him he needed to go to er and get bp meds. He refuses to go because "I'd rather die than keep doing this." I told him that it was his own problem for being stupid and allowing his mother to dictate life and to just shove her in a home and be done with it. Why do people feel the need to continue on caregiving when they cant do it on their own anymore? And why would you wish for death rather than just saying no i am not doing this anymore? And no its not an attention ploy. His blood pressure was high before but is higher now...he just doesnt believe in medication.

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People self destruct in so many ways, not just as caregivers. I think a lot of it is because it is easier to blame the boss or the teacher or god or (fill in the blank) for holding them back than looking inside to see their own shortcomings. I've told my family that when you blame everything on something outside yourself you've given away all your power to change anything.
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Guilt, guilt, guilt. My parents use to throw some guilt my way any time they wanted me to do something for them.

It can be so hard to quit, and even harder when the parent(s) want to continue to live in their own home. I don't know how some adult children do it, living with their parents, especially when they themselves are seniors, too. Again, guilt.

I know I would lay awake at night worrying what would my parents do if I passed on tomorrow.... sometimes I did wish that would happen :P

I did read that close to 40% of caregivers do die, leaving behind the person they were caring. And that person goes into senior living to live a few more years. So unfair if that caregiver leaves behind a spouse and children. Again, guilt.
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And " he'd rather die than keep doing this"? That sounds like suicidal ideation to me.

But you can't help him, other than offering to call 911 for him.

Oh, and I wouldn't characterize placing his mom in a good care facility as 'shoving her in a home".
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You tried. He hung on to you pretty hard, and you nearly drowned too. It isn't that I don't applaud your loyalty or indeed your simple humanity. Just don't ever forget it.
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Guilt, fear, a sense of duty. Yes, yes, and yes. I have felt this way for a very long time. I have said those very words. I have fantasized about my own death. It's a very, very dark place. Tell your ex he needs to get help from a therapist. He needs someone neutral and detached to let him know that he is not expected to do this. I am helping my parent as best as I can. I have set boundaries of what I can and will do. Yes, she tests those boundaries all the time. Yes, sometimes I reach the breaking point. But I do have the skill set to deal with her now. And if his mom needs to go to an assisted living facility please tell your ex this:

He is not putting his mom there. Age-related decline and disease has put her there.
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Mmmmm...

Tacy. You can't rescue him, either. Speaking of caregivers who don't know when to stop. Just saying.
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I'm probably one of those care givers. Don't want to be but I am.. and I would agree with the poster who said the caregiver can be the only one propping the parents life up.. the only one who cares anymore. This is a huge pressure and very difficult to leave them when you are literally all they have.

It would be so much easier if others still cared.. were still involved in their lives. Its so difficult to be their lone support system.

After a while caregiving is so isolating, the caregiver may only have one family member.. the one they are providing the caregiving for.. it really is a sad situation. It is much easier to say.. put them somewhere then to actually follow through with it.
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So, he's a 24 7 caregiver. If she were in a home, he could be there advocating for her. That would be so much better.
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It's multiple things. Guilt is the main one. Once you've been a caregiver for so long, they are like a child to you. Even if they are a parent, grandparent, or other family. You always have the voice in the back of your mind worrying about them. Putting them in a home is easier for non caregivers to say, then it is to actually do it. I have driven myself to complete mental breakdowns where my neighbor had to come help me. I finally calmed down enough to remember what needs to be done. She needed her meds and a shower. It's an entirely​different feeling that is extremely hard to explain. Just research caregivers guilt.
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I understand it from the inside, but can't say the why of it. I think a lot of it is societal pressure that is particularly strong when it comes to women. I think a lot of it is a feeling of personal responsibility. I think the greatest part is pressure from the parent who refuses to move and wants to die at home. A caregiver is faced with the choice of staying or leaving. If she leaves there is the feeling of failure and the voices all around you saying, "How could a daughter do that to a mother?"

I keep my thoughts to myself. Someone in church last week told me how lucky I was to still have my mother. When I got home I realized the price that it had exacted in taking years of freedom from me. Some people would say to put her in a facility and reclaim life, but that is easier to say than to do. Others say that we owe it to them, because they changed our diapers. Those people are strange to me.

I guess the main reason I stay is that it is easier to stay than it is to leave. The caregiver is often the only thing propping up a person's life, because the rest of the family is gone. That is a huge responsibility. If I had to say what the biggest problem is, it would be having family who doesn't care at all. Family support would make a huge difference, but everyone is spread out and into their own lives. So what do you do except what you can to hold things together?
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