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My 85 yr old mother just passed a month ago, but something is haunting me. She was bedridden at the end and had vascular dementia. A few days before she passed, she was being cleaned up by her aide and me. All of a sudden she started screaming that she hated my guts and she was glad I knew it now. Then she screamed, “I hope YOU end up like this!” I was stunned. I am an only child and I loved this woman despite our differences. I keep playing this over and over. It is eating me alive. I don’t want to remember her like that.

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This post is from August. OP posted this one time and has not returned.
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So sorry you went through this at the end. Give your mother a pass -- she had something wrong with her brain. I wouldn't hold her responsible for what she said, as difficult as that may be for you to do.

Seek some therapy or join a bereavement group. It sounds like you have PTSD. Maybe talking to someone would help you put this in perspective. .
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That wasn't your mom. It was the shell of the woman you loved, but the mind of someone else. I remember my aunt telling my cousin that she was no good, never had been able to keep a man, and so many hurtful things! I couldn't believe this woman who had always been kind and thoughtful was saying such awful things. But, she was that way towards one of the nurses who cared for her, telling her that she had always thought the nurse was a good person, but she was going to start telling people that she wasn't. This nurse had been involved with my family's healthcare for probably 30 years.(small town) It's sad that dementia does this to a person's mind, but please don't take it personally. It's hard, but the doctors will tell you, it isn't the person you knew.
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Oh sweet daughter, her brain was broke. But, knowing that doesn't quench the fiery darts. Pray about it every day and give the anguish to God. Let him ease your burden.
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I've been there. My mother has had fits of anger and has said nasty, vulgar things to me. She hopes "this happens" to me too and that I bleed out of my face. She has said she wishes she had miscarried or aborted me. She hopes I'm brutally attacked on the way to my car, etc.

She also sometimes says she thinks my shirt is pretty.

I remind myself that her brain is a physically damaged organ. It's not something she can think with.
To put it bluntly, Mama ain't right.
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MTNester1 Dec 3, 2025
So sorry to hear that she said such awful things. Hopefully, as time goes by, your mind will be able to let those words go. My heart goes out to you.
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I’m really sorry that happened. I hope you are able to stop thinking about what your mother said when she was so sick and remember some of the good times.

You were a good daughter and did the best you could. Please do not feel any guilt. Your mother was so lucky to have your love and support.
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It sounds like she was mad at the situation, not you. You just happened to be there and a ‘safe’ person to unload her anger.
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
Thank you 🩷
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Do you realize that she may not be saying that to you as her daughter but to a person she saw as an aide. I am sure my Mom forgot me as her daughter. When her Dementia had progressed to the last stages she was more like a child and I think she thought I was her Mom. Later, maybe that lady who visited her. I don't remember her calling me by name in that last year.

I put up a wall when I started caring for Mom to get through it without crying all the time. My brothers were not able to help so it was just me with a little help from my DH. I did not grieve for my Mom, pretty much had done that in the last 3 years she was with us. All I could think about was her last years and all the stress it caused. One thing I did not allow was guilt. I did my best with the info I had. I held no grudge against my brothers, who did nothing. Then one day I went on a bus trip a friend put on. There were friends on the bus from High School. One spent a Summer at my house and was there often. She had a difficult homelife and my house became her Sanctuary. She started talking about how good Mom had been to her. I realized then, I had to put those 3 years aside and remember all the good years I had with my Mom which were 83 before the Dementia kicked in. So, think of the good years.
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
My head knows this. The good memories are creeping back, but my guilt is heavy. I know I need to get rid of it.
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My mother had vascular dementia too. I was an only child and we had a strained relationship, she and I, but I loved her nevertheless. Some very ugly words came out of my mother's mouth in the last couple of years before she died, shocking words that cut to the bone. I honestly don't know if she really meant them or it was the dementia talking. And it doesn't matter. Because the woman was always dissatisfied with everything in life anyway. Nothing and nobody was ever good enough for her, she deserved better, in her mind. She was so shortchanged with me as a daughter and my father as a husband, so guess what? WE were shortchanged too.

I'm not dwelling on those words and those times anymore because my mother is finally at perfect peace. And I'm finally released from watching and dealing with the agony myself, thank God. I know in my heart that I was a good daughter to her REGARDLESS of what she thought about it. I'm sure you can say the same thing. If so, let go of words that mean nothing now, because you did your best for a mother with dementia. You were a good daughter and if she bore ill will towards you, that was HER problem. Don't make it your problem, you've suffered enough.

Dementia in a parent is a dreadful thing to witness and deal with. Death needs to be the end of the suffering for all involved. I wish you peace and contentment now, knowing you did your very best to care for a very sick woman. She is at peace now, and it's your turn to feel that way too.
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
You have no idea what this means to me. So much of this rang true. I was never enough for my mom, even before the dementia, but mental illness sometimes is an underlying issue. Thank yoj. Much peace to you.
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She said it because she isn't really who she was. She suffered from vascular dementia. Her mind was injured and impaired. That's why she said it.

You should consider seeing a cognitive therapist. The concentration on this horror of her dying moments, hours, days is something that you are choosing to let be the narrative of a lifetime of connection. This is a terrible and self harming choice. Do know that "complicated grieving" is now a diagnosis under the DSM-5 and there is coverage now under most insurance for treatment. Start with speaking to your MD for a referral to a good COGNITIVE therpist, and meanwhile begin to journal the GOOD memories you have of a history of connection with your mother. Stop your concentration on the negative. Know that your self-talk now is self-harm you cannot afford to overtake your mind. Our minds are very fragile and need and require our care.

I am very sorry for your grief and your pain.
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SnoopyLove Aug 4, 2025
This is very wise advice. The journaling idea is fantastic.
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My condolences for your great losses, Lisa. Your mother was in pain and was sick. Everyone is right when they say a person will lash out at the people closest to them when they're suffering, and you were certainly closest to your mother because you were doing her care.

If you loved your mother try to remember what was good about her. If I can make a suggestion to you though. You've lost a lot of loved ones in a short period of time. A bereavement support group can be such a help and comfort to a person. Even an online one.
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
I am sure you are right. It’s too much to handle alone.
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I hope you are keeping in mind the devastating effects of vascular dementia on a person’s brain. This WAS NOT your real mother speaking coherently about you and your relationship with her. Her poor brain was broken and she was lashing out at whoever was nearest.

Like you say, you loved her, despite everything. You were caring for her in the most loving, intimate way a child can at her time of greatest need. I’m sure at the deepest level, beyond the ravages of disease, she knew that.

Definitely seek further help for this aspect of processing your mother’s death if needed. Everything involved with the death of a parent is traumatizing enough, for sure.

Thinking of you.
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
Thank you. I know that but it’s hard to process that :( I really do need to see someone as the dust settles 💕
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I'm sorry, that's a memory that will be hard to overcome. Sometimes when we are in pain (physically, spiritually or mentally) we lash out and say the most hurtful things we can think of, even things we don't necessarily mean.... I think everyone knows what someone's hot buttons are and where they are most vulnerable. My only advice is to try not to dwell on it because the more often you think about it the more deeply entrenched it becomes in our psyche.
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
Oh, I know. I’m trying to remember the good. I sang to her while she was unconscious the last three days. I played her favorite songs and told her what a good mom she was. Ughhhhhh
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I’m sorry for both your loss and your pain at such harsh words. With vascular dementia, the mother you loved was gone long before she died. You were both denied her true presence by the horror that is dementia. You’re grieving and all kinds of emotions will come with that, try to focus on the mother who didn’t say such harsh things, the good in her, and reminding yourself the cruel words were dementia talking. Attending a GriefShare group may be helpful. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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LisaMorris Aug 4, 2025
Thank you for this. The floodgates just opened again. I also have complicated grief because I lost my 29 year old daughter about 2 years ago and my dad last july. It’s been exhausting.
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