Why are so many folks who contribute totally closed to the idea of having their folks in a facility?

I know with my parents, it is financial. The medicare facilities are HORRIBLE and we cannot afford other facilities. My mom is unable to speak or move much but is 100% in her mind. Trust me, this is worse than dementia because she is trapped in her own body. She has very high standards and is aware of everything that her caregivers are not doing to her satisfaction. I am exhausted seeing to her and my fathers needs. I am a single mother of two kids, with 2 jobs, dealing with a mentally ill son. My two brothers that live locally refuse to help very much. Both of my parents need to be in a facility but I just don't know how we can afford it.

There are so many circumstances that have to be considered that I find it difficult to understand if someone is vehemently anti-facility or vehemently pro-homecare. It's a personal decision that, hopefully, is made among families taking everything into consideration especially the day to day care needed for an elderly parent and the ability of one person (usually only one person) to provide that care day in and day out, year after year.

Neither option is ideal (home care vs skilled nursing care) and each has it's own drawbacks and consequences. It's a family decision based upon many factors. But there are zealots out there who will scream their position from the rooftops and expect everyone else to believe the same way. And when someone has an opposing viewpoint they are attacked and ridiculed. In my opinion that says more about that person than it does about the person they're attacking.

I didn't join this website to insult or ridicule anyone, far be it for me to judge others. If I have a personal opinion about a touchy subject such as this I will usually choose to keep it to myself so as not to alienate anyone or insult anyone or their choices. But there are trolls on any website such as this and they sit in their dark little corners in their homes and dish out the poison they are too impotent to handle in their real life. So they attack strangers online and they get to feel smart and important. I think they're silly and their posts say more about them then they do about whatever they're writing about.

Believe me if you don't have to don't take your parent to a nursing home. They will not get the attention they need if they are not able to help themselves. My mother just passed away after 2 weeks of pure hell. She was at the nursing home, sent to the hospital, severly dehydraded ??? and went down hill from there. She did not get the attention she needed at this home. Much more to this story, will not go into. If you do have to send your parent to a nursing home make sure it is close enough for you to go over every day, if you want them to possibly get the attention they need. Good Luck, and God Bless

im on board with allowing my mother to go to a facility when it becomes the option for her best quality of life. i do not imagine a facility having adequate staffing for anyone to give mom the emotional support and personal attention that i can give her at home right now. theyre not going to take her for a sandwich and a little country ride like i now do daily. im not knocking the facilities but for now i think im better emotional support although i am a little deficient in the f*****g spiritual needs department..

When I began care for my Mother in 2008, she went into a care home near me for a year and a half. My siblings chose not to assist. After a while, I thought I could do better for Mother, which was similar to resort life for her--including spa, beauty treatments, exercise, outings, the best food 3x a day... I know, you want to move to my house, huh ? You are correct.
However, the main caregiver started getting wasted. I started Googling and found this wonderful place:) I negotiated with myself, with my husband, with God.
Finally, after 2 false starts in the wrong homes, I re-placed my Mother in care home of original owner. I tried. I gained weight. I cried. I tripped and fell from lack of sleep. My husband was 100% supportive of whatever I chose to do.
I knew they would not keep up her exercise, and her muscles atrophied. I knew she would not be entertained every waking moment. She was difficult, needy, blind, selfish, not interested in anything but her immediate needs.
Our problem was not money, but giving the most compassionate care to a difficult elder. I tried my best for her. I had to think of my own life and the example I was setting for my own kids. I have told them both and their partners: Never become a martyr to care for me when I need help. God willing, I will die in my sleep after a busy day of singing and gardening. I pray that. We just all do our best and try to figure it out. I processed a lot of crap from my family or origin by taking on my Mother--and my sister. Yay. Moving on. Mother is almost 96, minimal quality of physical life , who knows what is going on in her head. Devastating. Still trying my best. Waiting. Praying. Good question, food for thought. I advocate placement when possible, because each of us is EQUAL. No more sacrificial lambs. xo

You are right. Many people are totally closed to the idea of care centers of any kind. Others, like JessieBelle and me and many others, are open to the idea but continue to care for loved ones at home because it seems to be the best option in our circumstances.

But those who not only insist on keeping their own loved ones at home but also give sometimes heated advice that no one should "dump" their loved ones in a facility or "throw them away"? I can't speak for their reasons but by reading their posts I sense these things:
1) Religious beliefs
2) Guilt
3) A sincere and honest belief that home care is always best
4) An attitude of "If I can do it so can anyone."
5) A belief (perhaps based on limited or outdated experience) that all facilities are terrible places
6) Observation of a situation where a person was indeed "dumped" in a facility and abandoned.
7) A need to justify their own decisions

Such people are entitled to their opinions and to express them here. Whatever their reasons, I think they are wrong. I'm entitled to express that opinion, too.

If others are like me, they just take it a day at a time. I am not opposed to helping my mother go to a facility when it is time. We each have to judge when that time is. My mother is not ready to go yet. She can still function in the world. She goes for walks and sits out in the swing. These are times when she is most happy. I have a feeling that in a facility she would end up staying in her room all day watching TV because she is not a socializer. So... not opposed, but the time is not right yet. Maybe something catastrophic, e.g. heart attack, stroke..., will happen before she needs to. We can never tell.

No, that's probably a less common reason for doing home care, though there certainly are people who financially don't have options and for any number of reasons do nto qualify for help. What I have learned since being on here is that many people simply believe that facilities are for people whose families do not love them, or that all facilities are bad, or that only bad people put their loved ones in facilities. I wish it were not so, but that's where it is for a lot of people; they don't think of someone's need outstripping their abilities, or tolerance. Sadly, some people even keep loved ones at home even if it means they can't even get them out of bed, let alone take any kind of trip outside the home, and that means a lot lower quality of life. We had a family with multiple members with a musclar dystrophy condition who just did that and let nature take its course, so that when the affected members were too weak to get up on their own, they just became invalids and bed bound for the rest of their lives. It was just what they did. Don't get me wrong - home is often best for any number of reasons, and I wish we had never needed facilties for my parents! But, wishing did not make it so....