My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.
Reallyreal,
I am definitely considering this change as a product of grief.
Not only hers, but her moms...and mine. I have felt the guilt of selfishness through out this whole process. Ironically, if I feel guilty, am I truly selfish ?
I've watched what this has done to my buddy, and it sucks.
My job used to be to protect her, and I'm unable to. It's really hard to support and be in disagreement.
Her reaction to stress is to wall up and hide. She's a very tough woman, but on the other hand, not so much. Hiding from feelings is a recipe for a breakdown, and breakdowns change people. I'm
getting a bad vibe from somebody I love, and we never have time to sit down and talk. Communication is the key to any disagreement worth solving.
Barb.. In my deepest darkest thoughts, I am losing her. I chose not to feel this way, unfortunately it is getting harder.
I have spent more time alone in the last 6 months than I ever have. As a matter of fact, in my 53 years, I've rarely been alone at all. I don't like it. I like to be left alone sometimes, but lonely is no fun.
Of course you are all hurting and right now you just need to support her in whatever way she needs. She is obviously having a difficult time with how this is all going down, sometimes we just need to let our spouses do what they feel is right and be waiting for them.
Sorry, but you are a grown man, figure out how to deal with your loneliness. Maybe volunteer or do something that helps you feel like you are not just waiting. You will both be better for it. She needs space and to know that you are there for her right now and that she isn't losing her husband because she doesn't know how to deal with her mom. You can give her the gift of knowing this situation isn't costing her everyone she loves.
This lady has been gone since November 2019.
There is something else going on.
I think I am encouraging honesty and clarity, not bullying. I hope.
I disagree that there has to be something else going on here. This could just be a woman that doesn't know how to tell her mom no, plane and simple. Stop planting your seeds of nefarious issues. It isn't helpful.
Please don't force her to make any decisions about walking away from her mom right now, let the grief subside a bit.
Unless you are done with this marriage you should just support her and love her and gather information about alternative care for mom in the future. You will lose her if you push right now.
Barb, she just lost her dad, you can't really believe that she is walking away from her marriage because she is dealing with her mom and her own grief right now. Give the woman a chance to get her head straight from her father's death. I read what you are saying and I think that you have no empathy for her very recent loss. Why would you feel that right now she needs to be pushed into making decisions about anything? That is what a bully would do and quite frankly, everyone loses in a situation like that. Cut the woman a little slack to process her grief.
I think you need to confirm with her that this is her intent.
These are not the actions of a person who is thinking rationally otherwise.
It really seems to me that either is having some sort of breakdown or she no longer wants to be in this relationship.
I would try to get her some mental health care if she will accept that.
That doesn't need to be brought up right now. wth?
I have to say, since my FIL passing, I've noticed an unwelcome change in my wife. It's almost like she's tied herself to her situation even more. I was figuring she'd have some more freedom, but it's the opposite. One of the first things out of MIL mouth after FIL died, was that she wasn't letting my wife go.
Truth is, I've been feeling very uneasy around her (wife).
Impatient may be the better adjective. She is what I would describe as manic. Her memory is junk too. In conversations with her, I'm constantly hearing the same things mentioned just days apart.
She's also been interrupting me a lot, which is my number one pet peeve, and she known's that.
When someone interrupts me, I will clam up, and not return to what I was saying... unless the interrupter asks. I'm chalking it up to a manifestation of her grief. I'm going to try and speak to her if she let's me get a word in. :)
Found an article and cut and pasted some key points:
https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/news/20110513/alzheimers-caregivers-may-be-at-risk-for-dementia#1
Alzheimer's Caregivers May Be at Risk for Dementia
Stress and Shared Lifestyle May Raise Risk of Mental Decline for Spouses Who Are Also Caregivers
By Brenda Goodman, MA
"FROM THE WEBMD ARCHIVES May 13, 2011 -- Husbands and wives who care for a spouse with Alzheimer's disease or another kind of dementia may face an increased risk of mental decline themselves, a new research review shows.
...Studies have shown, for example, that caregivers of Alzheimer's disease patients had lower scores on tests that measure attention, visual processing speeds, and memory than adults of the same age who were not caregivers.
...And a study published in 2010, which followed more than 1,200 older married couples in rural Utah for 12 years, found that spouses of husbands or wives that developed dementia had a 600% greater risk of developing dementia themselves."
Your wife needs professional help i.e. a neurologist and a psychiatrist.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/07/09/how-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem/#39c3c7a92c67
Thanks.
My wife is doing well. Monday was a tough day.
Once we get the smoke cleared, I'll update you all on the living arrangements. My mother in law required less care on a daily basis, but she still can't live on her own. She is not going to move into our house. As we work through the hurdles of FIL estate, I am going to recommend that the life insurance he provided MIL be used for in home care.
Caution: DO NOT move MIL in with you, even temporarily. Period. Once in, she'll never leave.
Celebrate his life at the funeral. Then reassess.
The transition to Widow comes next for your MIL - with much grief, loss & adjustment.
If she feels she cannot live alone, that's understandable. She may well need daily help (physical & emotional). But she does not have the right to demand her daughter leave her marriage & her home to meet those needs. I would voice that directly to her as soon as appropriate.
Come back if/when you are ready.
Lossing - your MIL does need support from her family during this hard time. When my MIL died, my husband and I had dinner with my FIL every night for the first month or so, if I recall correctly. It was the right thing to do. After that, we went back to a more normal visiting and family dinner arrangement.
There are plenty of community resources and support groups for widows and widowers. Unfortunately, my FIL never availed himself of any. That was his choice, and my husband recognized that he couldn't fill in the void. It's time for your wife to move back home and be your wife.
My deepest sympathies to you, your wife and her mother during this sad time. May your FIL's memory be a blessing to you all.
May God grant you all grieving mercies and wisdom during this difficult time.
FIL passed away last night.
He is no longer suffering. He went in his sleep. My wife was home for a bit yesterday, and expressed a bad feeling about his condition. I was over there most of today to help with arrangements. Sad day. MIL has made it clear that she still needs my wife. We'll get through this and see where it leads us.
Here's where we are.
The in-laws doctor visited yesterday along with a nurse or social worker. I'm not sure which. The conversation was started. The doctor spoke to my wife in private about the need for hospice for both in-laws. My wife explained to them that she agreed, but that MIL must make the decision. They spoke with the MIL, and after they left my wife and her mother continued the conversation.
I don't have details yet, but I will see her this afternoon and get filled in. It does sound like my MIL has agreed that they need to make a change. I believe my initial step back from this situation, which in turn, led to my wife leaving her mom to care for FIL woke up my MIL to his condition. She frankly says that she didn't realize how bad he was until she was left in charge.
I'll update again later tonight.
I helped my husband to stop allowing his parents to treat him like a child and establish healthy boundaries.
I found my inlaws their indy living residence, toured it without anyone knowing and came home with the brochure.
I called reinforcements (the other brothers) and told them we needed a family conference call about their parents.
I found this forum and read books and articles about all things aging.
At this point, I feel like I've completed a PhD in caregiving specializing in stubborn old people.
Please listen to Beatty. S/He is in a very similar situation to yours and IS making progress.
Like LH, I was one against three & also like LH, I have no authority to change the set up. But things HAVE changed... my withdraw forced change.
I had to be very clear about the time & tasks I would do & be clear I was quitting the rest.
LH how much help do you want to give? What's reasonable for your life? Or is any help just enabling the unsustainable set up now & you want all out?
If you asked your wife to forget about what the actually needs are for a second, what would she LIKE her role to be?
Once you have that, then you can have a UNITED front for a chat with MIL.
Btw, I was told by a counsellor that 'The Conversation' usually takes about SIX times to sink in & get acted on.
If not, you wait for a crises.
Dear MIL talk #1, yours & FIL's care needs are very high. We would like to help in this capacity: xxxx time xxxx tasks per week. We will help you get help for the rest. You need more help that just us. *You need more help than just us*. Ram that message home.
Dear MIL talk #2, we spoke about setting up extra help. *It starts next week*.
Dear MIL talk #3, you have choices: #1 accept the extra non-family help. (Maybe a different provider if first one not working) or #2 move into care.
(There is a third choice taken by the extremely stubborn - the slow death by self-neglect).
As mentioned in my recent update, it seems we have accomplished #1.
After several days of acclimation (and telling the caregivers they are not to leave, even if mom "fires" them", she can leave for short periods of time.
This is a long process. It's going to take weeks just to hire folks...
I offered to pay for the service. I would think the estate would pay me back, but even if not, I'd still risk the finances to get my wife back.
Either way, she has not yet had the conversation with her mother. I will be Sunday May 31st if it hasn't happened by then. In other words, I will be sitting down with them on the 31st :)
You will have to take the bull by the horns and set things right. You will have to read the riot act to MIL( nicely and firmly.) Your wife needs to either back you up or step aside. The worst thing she could do is to contradict you in front of MIL. What does your wife think of your impending talk with MIL?
What does she think ? Does that matter?
My wife is stuck someplace between little girl and grown up. If she chooses to contradict me in front of her mother, then her bed is made. Right?
It would let me know where I stand. I will not be happy about it, and it will force me to pull away from this situation further than I have.
I will take my wife's vehicle out of the in-laws drive-way, I will stop picking up their groceries, prescriptions, and stop bringing meals over. I don't want to do that, but like I mentioned, if she chooses to side with her mom, what can I do? She will force my hand, and throw everything that they depend on me for out the window.
Can you enlist the support of the Visiting Nurse to get your MIL off her "no"? Is there a Social Worker involved in the Home Health Care organization?
POA was her sister, but she lost that when she refused to help and proved that she is unstable. So much more to the story, but that's the nutshell.
That's where this is
One of her Mom's favorite sayings is, "I don't know what we'd do without her." I've told my wife several times that that is the opening for her to speak up. Something like, " Well Mother, let's talk about that. What would you do?"
Yes, this family needs HCAs and can easily afford them. The mother refuses, preferring her daughter's unpaid labor.
Dad is in the last stages of Alzheimers and is eligible for hospice. She refuses that service for him as well.