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It’s been a while since I’ve posted cause I’ve been sticking to my guns and seeing my mom every 3 weeks. Started my new job - my main focus- on my feet 6-8 hours a day very hard to adjust to. Went to visit my mom today (after I went to the cemetery to put flowers on my son’s grave) and she was clearly antagonist from the moment I walked in the door. She’s angry cause I’m not bringing her back to my house for a festive Easter holiday which includes taking her to HER church, spending the night then me driving her home tomorrow. We’re talking at least 180 mile trip. I was going to take her out today for dinner - well that wasn’t enough. I’m sorry, I don’t color eggs and make coconut cakes anymore. My husband and my son are dead. My daughter and grandchildren are in other states. I don’t cook - I eat on a TV tray except for the occasional meal out which would have been a treat and we could have enjoyed if she wasn’t so rigid. She told me that she don’t know why she asked me to come, that she could gave gotten SIL to take her to the store and that I think I’m too good to go to her curch. So I left. Somehow I don’t think Jesus would want families to fight over how and where they are going to spend their time together IF they even do - on Resurrection Sunday.

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JoAnn,

Your mother in law sounds like how my husband’s grandma was. She was a very selfish woman who thought the whole world revolved around her. Everyone had to set boundaries with her or she would have driven us nuts!
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Twillie Apr 2019
This is my mother. She has guilted me all my life. I will learn my lesson for a while, then get pulled in and it starts all over again. My husband died and I don’t see his mother in another state. But when my husband was alive he took care of everything for my mom - he didn’t have boundaries either.
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I thought people of today felt entitled. Looks like a number of our elderly do to.

I really feel for you all. Even though my Dad could be a royal pain, he loved his kids. My Mom was a good one. So much so our friends hung around the house all the time. She catered to them and treated them like her own. Meaning she hollered at them too.

I think my MIL would have been a problem. She chose to move to Fla at the age of 68. My FIL just getting over chemo for Lung cancer and her a replacement valve. He lived 3 yrs, she passed 20 yrs later. When my DH retired almost every phone call was "move here". Last place I wanted to live. I had my girls, a gson and a mother getting up in age. No siblings near by. I was not moving. I can imagine what it would have been like. Her constantly asking DH for something. And he would have done it. He is not a boundary person. Unless, he has committed to something else, then its no. Since he never even considered her request, don't think he wanted to go either. When she got me on the phone one day, she asked me to move there. I said I had Mom. She said move her here, I said, Mom has her friends, Church and activities. MIL said "we all have to compromise". My Mil never compromised. She was passive-aggressive. Always got her way except from DILs.
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Holidays tell me about it!

I used to pick Dad up and bring him to our house EVERY xmas day. 30 mins or so each way.

I didn't mind so much. It did irritate me a little when he used to say "Well you don't want to drink anyway do you?". (I dont drink much but it would be nice to have a choice!).

Then he started demanding I pick him up at a certain (early) time. I'd say, I'll be over when the kids have opened their presents (my youngest was 3/4 years old) and he didnt like it. Told me I should leave them because there'd be "other xmases for that".

Then he started to fake illness. He'd make sure my family knew how ill he was. It was hilarious. He'd pretend he couldn't see, couldn't walk all sorts.

Then he was rude to my family and my wife. And he knew it. His attitude was if I want to say something I will (Umm not to upset my family when I've invited you over).

In the end, I made excuses for xmas day and said wife was working (shes a nurse). He went to my brothers instead (lives a mile away no kids). I stay out of it now.

Apparently, he kicked off last year because brother had arranged to go to the pub for an hour to meet Dad. Invited Dad but Dad had an issue that he wanted to do what he wanted to do. and going to the pub was not on his list of plans. Thats Dad for you to a T.
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Twillie Apr 2019
Yeah I’ve heard that “mama not be around next Christmas“ so we’re guilted into complying. In my case it turns out it’s my son that’s not around and I wish I could take back all the mucked up time and energy I spent with my ungrateful mother and spend it with my son. P. S. My mom is real disapproving about drinking too - that’s why I pour it in a coffee cup when she’s around :)
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Is that 180 round trip or each way.
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I was blessed that my mom and MIL never manipulated my husband and I during the holidays. Some do. Most times we did celebrate with each of them because it was our choice. Other times, we went out of town if we wanted to. It’s sad because holidays should not be stressful. Unfortunately, they become stressful if there is manipulative behavior. Sorry about that. Do what is comfortable for you.
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Im so sorry about ur husband and son. I don't know how u feel but I'm sure holidays r stressful enough. I feel for u and I'm so glad I have this chance to maybe just try to help u feel a little better. God loves u Twillie. And u do whatever u want on Easter! I know I'm just gonna lay around with my 2 furkids Libby and Sqeaky, probably watching Dateline re-runs.
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Twillie Apr 2019
Thanks Stephanie. I have my cuddly kitty Annie.
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So sorry. I can understand why you don't want to drive after a week of being on your feet. Is Mom in an AL? Then she will celebrate the holiday with other residents. A Church will hold Easter services there. Better than you may have. Next time, go see your daughter and grands. They grow up so fast. Be near the family you have left.
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Twillie Apr 2019
Mom refuses to go to AL. She sits alone in her mobile home (it’s disgusting and depressing) all the time expecting her children to do everything for her. She told me she doesn’t want to socialize with anyone except my dad (he’s been dead ten years). She’s adamant she’s not moving anywhere - she plans to die there.
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Leaving was the right choice. Maybe just call instead so you can avoid the 180 mile trip!
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When you walked in the door and saw what sort of mood Mom was in, you should have calmly told her you could tell she was not having a good day, that you would try again in a week or so, turned on your heel and walked out. She can only verbally and emotionally abuse you if you let her. So don’t let her.
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Twillie Apr 2019
Trust me it didn’t take long. I nipped it in the bud when the sarcastic comments started. She is ALWAYS preoccupied with what I am doing - it’s weird - and I’m getting sick of reporting to her everything I do and who I do it with and where I go. It’s gotten worse since my loved ones died cause she knows I’m here alone.
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