My mother who is 96 is living in her own home, alone after my father died 5 years ago. She is partially blind and hard of hearing. Of 3 children, I am the one who sees her once or twice a week, takes her to appointments, calls her at least every other day, cares for her finances etc., pretty much everything. I am also the only female of 3 children. She is depressed and angry, in pain and angry at me a lot, says hurtful things to me and tells my brothers I am angry at her and that I don't like her. For her birthday, she told me she didn't want anyone to visit her, so I didn't make plans. Now I find out my brother is making food, and cake to bring to mom’s house and asks if I can come over. Of course, I'm going because it's her birthday but I don't understand why she is saying one thing to me and gives a different version to others. I am trying to be understanding but it hurts.
And, as Lealonnie says below, the caregiver is ALWAYS the one blamed for everything.
When you become caregiver you are the one they are dependent on, the decider about rules of when to eat, how much, what to do with your tissues, drinking water, and on and on. You become the PARENT instead of the child. And most of us rebel against parents.
I'd stop taking all this so seriously.
Old age with all the losses piling upon losses isn't a happy time. Next time she's critical and someone feels it necessary to tell YOU what SHE said, thank them kindly and tell them you don't wish to hear anything negative about mom because you love her very much. Ask that they stop carrying gossip about Mom. Smile sweetly, be polite, move on.
And if it is mom, herself, being a bit mean tell her "I love you so much; I love you even MORE when you are feisty. Smile. Be polite. Move on."
Find something that brings you a sort of Zen peace. For me it's reading or making jewelry or sewing a Kimono. Just cutting fabric can bring me peace no matter what. It's very healing. Be GOOD to yourself. Don't feel responsible for her happiness. Don't expect others to praise you; they see what you are doing--all that work--as something you chose.
Knit or crochet or listen to true crime podcasts, whatever works for YOU.
Know you aren't alone and are wished the best.
I really regret not calling her out on any of it. But those were the dynamics of my family. We simply let her get away with with this behavior. The lesson I learned from my mother was not to be like her.
I guess we are the custodial parent and the siblings are the proverbial fun weekend dad. And yes it hurts. I see inklings of this in my family dynamic, not quite to this extent (yet).
I know there are exceptions to this gendered analogy...
If that's not the case, then turn it back to her. When you're all gathered for her birthday, including your mother, just calmly tell your brothers that your mother is unhappy with the way you do her finances and take her to appointments, and ask if they will take those things over. If they agree, then you're relieved of the responsibilities. If they don't, point this out to your mother next time she complains.
And, as Geaton points out, have a discussion outside of your mother's hearing, about whether the current system is sufficient for your mother's needs and who if anyone has POA, and how to proceed forward.
Does your Mom have a PoA? If so, this person now needs to read the document to see what activates the authority, which is usually 1 medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment. It seems the time will come soon when she will require more care than anyone can give her, and she is willing to accept -- so it will be important to have this legal ability to act in her best interests.
My mother had ONLY foul things to say to me, and only lovely things to say to her grandson and nephew who didn't lift a finger to help her. Women of that generation put men up on pedestals all the time.
Why not back off from all you do for mom and let her call the Golden Boys for help moving forward?