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I see a lot of posts here about parents in their 80’s and 90’s and some pushing 100.


They have Alzheimer’s or another Dementia or Parkinsons etc and their children are trying to look after them while keep them in their home or taking them into their own home. Why? How old are you if your parent is this old? Where is your life? A lot of talk about guilt and not upsetting them. Respecting their wishes or they refuse to go. When my mother was placed in full time care because of Alzheimer’s she was only 65. My father was literally killing himself trying to keep her at home. Life was a nightmare and then he expected me and my brother to help him. He wouldn’t even put her in respite. When he had to have day surgery he thought the nurse would watch her for him but I spoke with her doctor who got a spot for her in respite and while she was there I requested another assessment. That was in October and she was in permanent care in the December.


Your parent if psysically fit and with the aid of these life extending wonder drugs will keep going like a freight train while you will be the one who dies first or ends up debilitated. Their generation is living way beyond their actual life expectancy and the body will find ways to shut itself down and if the body is kept going the mind will shut down.


If you have POA and legal guardianship then use it. Let others (whose actual work is to do so) look after them. Why beat yourself up over it. Don’t you have children and grandchildren and friends? Don’t worry what others may think. You won’t go to hell for it and you will become a happier person.


If you or they have the means put your lived one in care, do so.

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Bettina, I couldn't have said it better. People come here to post/vent because they are at the end of their rope and want a little support when they get to the point of where they have no more to give. Posters who imply that their parents are owed this care because they raised you is not helpful.

I bonded with my coworker over listening to her struggles with dealing with her mother. She would play me the obscenity laden messages her mother would leave her. Her struggles with health care workers who would not show up for their shifts. She said I was the only person she could be honest about how she felt about all of this and not feel judged. We had another co-worker who had cared for her mother years ago and could not relate as she made it sound like the most fulfilling experience of her life. She could not relate and would often said "but it is your Dad/Mom" and I would respond "And? what does that mean? it doesn't make things any easier".

I agree with the poster who said keep with the topic and try to be helpful, not critical .
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Great advice, but for some reason it seems harder to do when they are an equal age - i.e., a husband / spouse.

There seems to be a lot of information on these posts about parents, but less on husbands / wives / significant others. What are other couples experiencing?
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
Hi. Yes I agree. I went through it with my mother and 20 years later my father and now my husband who is only 63 has been diagnosed with frontal lobe Dementia so this time there is no degree of separation. Luckily we live with my son and his family as we bought a house with completely independent in law accommodation We moved interstate 14 mths ago when it all became too much
i don’t know how we will go from now on but I am going to take my own advice and make sure I am prepared and ready
there will be a feeding tube in the not too distant future and I think that’s where I might consider it. Will see how it goes

i know I don’t want to end up resentful
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Pandabear,
You must have meant to be helpful, however, the post as written seems critical of those caring to soul search. Actually, dishing out guilt?

soul-search·ing defined:
noun
1.
deep and anxious consideration of one's emotions and motives or of the correctness of a course of action.
adjective
1.
involving or expressing deep consideration.
"long, soul-searching conversations about religion"

What is wrong with soul searching? Let's have more of it.
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
Considering is the point. There are choices.
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I've never picked on anyone personally on this forum. EVER! But as soon as I talk about my mom in fond terms I get attacked PERSONALLY!

I haven't passed judgement on anybody. I've just stated my opinion just like you just did. I know people like me are the minority on here but we still have a right to post what we feel just like anyone else.

I never ever said taking care of my mom was easy either cause it wasn't.

Just cause you and others on here have had rough childhoods doesn't mean you have more of a right to post what you feel on here. By the way, I didn't have a support system. I had five unhelpful siblings who chose to let me make all the hard decisions and do all the leg work and no it wasn't all sunshine and roses.

People such as yourself post on any thread they want so I'll count my blessings on any thread I want as well.
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smeshque Mar 2019
You are not alone Gershun. I couldn't have said it better.
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I think that so many people who start helping out their parents don't realize how
long and involved the care giving stint can be. It can go on for decades. Many of
us do not have support systems in place to begin with, due to divorce, illness or
due to the demands of care giving itself. Having to care for children, work full time, take care of more than one home, pets, and all the other day to day responsibilities on top of daily care giving is akin to building a house of cards. One card collapses and the whole structure can go down with it. That can be a care giver's illness, a child that is struggling, financial difficulty, etc. The demands of care giving continue on unabated. That's when a lot of folks hit burn out.

A lot of us here were also abused and/or neglected as children. Yet we still love our parents and try to help the best we are able. Often we have rushed in during one crisis that we think will be a single event. A decade later, having helped with one crisis after another we wonder what exactly happened to our life.

Many people put a huge amount of pressure on the willing family member to "step
up" and shoulder a huge burden that, like an ice berg, has most of the time and
effort required hidden from view. When my father goes to the hospital and a "friend" swings by for a 20 minute visit, they suddenly think their contribution is on par with my hours spent with nurses, doctors, case managers, residential staff, administration, etc etc. not to mention the hours spent reassuring and calming down my father. These same folks think it is their place to criticize and add even more pressure. I don't buy it anymore, but nonetheless it is still stressful.

Some of us have parents who are both demanding and very ill. The amount of need can be overwhelming. When we have helped with cheerfulness and gone above and beyond, only to be subjected to criticism and manipulation by our parents, relatives, et al, we start to feel betrayed and resentful. That isn't hate it's a normal reaction to being taken advantage of.

To those of you who are blessed to have good memories, at least one good support person in your life, good health, and enough money to not have to face your own old age destitute, I say good for you. That is wonderful. But please do not presume to think you know us and what is in our hearts. Nor chide us, or not so subtly shame us for feeling tired and burnt out. That is not hate. It is exhaustion and a kind of grief. We are watching our parents die and realizing we will never have the chance to know them nor to experience their love. We are also
grieving the loss of our own lives, the missed events in our children's lives, our
lost connections with friends because we chose out of kindness to help our parent when they were in a grave crisis.

For those of us who have had parents that displayed an all consuming selfishness
throughout their lives, we may have foolishly forgotten this when our parents were genuinely at death's door. We still harbored our childish dream that when they recovered they would finally receive us with love. It is not hate that we are crushed when our immense efforts are met with ingratitude, indifference or criticism.

For those of you who have support, your health, and kind memories you can't even
begin to imagine what it's like for the rest of us. So do us all a favor and let us have a place to vent and learn from other's experiences how to set healthy boundaries and take care of ourselves as well. Many of us are in fact great care givers, but we have been put into high demand care giving roles that are also toxic and without support.

By all means continue to count your blessings, but please have the grace to refrain from continually counting them in front of those of us who have not shared in your good fortune. It should be patently obvious, but a thread devoted to finding a way to help a parent without losing ourselves is not the place to do this
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Erinm60 Mar 2019
Amen Bettina. You aced it
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Okay, let me reiterate what I already said. Ahem, at the risk of repeating myself.

I never criticized anyone and yet I got criticized, "holier than thou" etc. If those of you who responded negatively to my post would like to reread it I said I don't think everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and if it's a struggle and it ruins your life doing it, don't do it. I said I was shocked at how many people have poor relations with their parents.

Why so defensive? Yes, I was very fortunate to have the parent that I did. I thank God every day for that. I'm sorry for those of you who didn't. If you want to vent go for it. No one is stopping you but give me the same respect then and let me praise my mom. I'm certainly not gloating.

Thank-you C Willie and Countrymouse. C Willie, you are right. I don't know why I follow these threads. I guess partially cause there seems to be so many of them. I start reading out of curiosity and next thing you know I'm typing. Next time I feel tempted, I'll text you first and you can talk me out of it. :)
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
Hi Don't worry about what others say You are doing what is working for you and the person you care for
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When my partner and I discussed taking in her 92 yo mother, it felt like ‘the right thing to do’. My parents died ‘young’, of cancer, and I was really ok with the idea of showing up in this way for the ‘family’ of my ‘family’. When a close friend of ours heard the plan, and said, “Don’t do it. Just don’t.” I thought, how cynical. I respected that opinion, but I thought, people come first. Stepping up matters. Not only would I want someone to do it for me, but more importantly, ‘this is who I want to be’.

Well, it’s been half a year now. The words of my friend have echoed in my ears, as well as words posted earlier in this thread... often, people don’t know what they have signed on for before it’s too late to back out.
Caring for my MIL is slowly draining the joy out of our happy home, and has rapidly consumed all the emotional energy of my patient and dedicated life partner. Am I sorry? Well, no - as I’m not sure either one of us could have lived with ourselves if we hadn’t at least tried.

BUT - I can say that there is, and will be, a limit to how far we can go with this. Thank god, we agree on that. When her mother becomes more physically impaired, needing nursing care, or is more combative and delusional as her Alzheimer’s progresses, it WILL be time for another level of care. And I will not pretend for a second that that could, or should, happen in our house.

Furthermore, I would not want anyone doing that for me. So many of our parents simply didn’t plan. I will not make that mistake, nor will I leave it to someone else to be the solution, were I to allow my selfishness or bad judgement to lead me to such a predicament.

I used to look at, and very much admire, cultures whose elders are revered - seamlessly incorporated into their families, included and valued in their society, and afforded positions of respect and importance in their later years. I still do. However, I have come to understand that pretending that we can, in this society replicate that in our own houses, when our culture has lost the generational wisdom, and the social infrastructure to sustain it, is simply a fantasy. We no longer live (the vast majority of us, at least) in the small tight knit communities, surrounded by extended family and kin, in an environment which not only allows this to be possible, but supports and values caregiving.

We don’t know how, and have not been enculturated as to how to be these caregivers (as if anyone could sanely do it alone) - but even more importantly, we have lost the knowledge of how to be cared for, to gracefully receive support, while making way for the next generation. The combination is a disaster.

My MIL, and from what I read on this site, so many other parents, move in to a child’s home and expect to rule the roost as they once did - demanding, judging, criticizing, and failing to see their grown children as adults with their own lives, responsibilities, needs and opinions. They know no other way than to become the authority again, wielding power over their ‘child’. But now, they are authority figures struggling to do all but the most basic activities of daily living, and failing at even those. Angry and frustrated, they lash out, or simply send disapproving looks and verbal zingers under the radar, to alleviate their own profound frustration.

Dont get me wrong - I understand why they do... I can’t imaging how frustrating it must be to age in this crazy society of ours; to go from able to feeble, from mentally adept to muddled and confused. We none of us wanted this mess - and yet, here we are, trying to do our best.

And thats where it ends up. Doing our best. It’s important that we not judge, or pre-judge our neighbors, or ourselves, for doing the best we can, whatever that may be. For some, that means ‘sticking it out’ with our LO whatever the cost. For others, it means opting for the preservation of our own families, partnerships, sanity and heath, when it all simply gets to be too much.
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BethandDan Mar 2019
You are so insightful. And, you write beautifully. Thank you.
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Good advice. As I am going through this journey of placing my 95 YO mother into a facility, it was good to read your post, especially, "Let others (whose actual work is to do so) look after them." I am hoping that once she is placed, I can get back to actually enjoying time with her instead of feeling overwhelmed and overtired dealing with all her physical needs. Thank you.
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Kathie333 Mar 2019
And I bet your mom is happy too. I hope my kids will do the same for me, should that happen to me, what you're doing for your mom. God bless you, and enjoy each other.
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So good to read your strong, straightforward opinion.
It is empowering, until my emotions cloud everything that I have just got straight in my head.
My husband is supporting me as we find an ExtraCare living facility for my Dad.
He has Alzheimer's and has lived with us almost 3 years.
The constant stress and problems that you all know about and sadly share , has made me very ill.
I should have acted on advice from people who know, and moved Dad out much, much earlier. Instead we are battered, exhausted and wasting our time left together. I don't know if I can get over this even after he actually leaves our home.

PLEASE please find an alternative to inviting elderly relatives to live with you. Sometimes it works out, but for many others it's the beginning of the end of your peace of mind and health.

God Bless.
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PandabearAUS Mar 2019
This is what I originally meant Its different for everyone The people we care for, especially with dementia of one sort or another also vary and can only get worse My mother stayed at home as long as my father was able but it was truly killing him She was physically fit with a strong heart and constitution (therefore the comment they go like a freight train) but her mind was totally gone. It fell on to me to place her Imagine my surprise when I discovered that she had already been approved for placement before she entered her first stay in respite
We all have different levels of coping skills plus we must consider our own family and the time we share with them and the help they need
My advice to everyone since is GET READY AND BE PREPARED Don't leave it to its too late Just because you get approval doesn't mean you have to place them straight away Just be ready for when the time comes
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Well said !
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I am shocked and continue to be so at the number of people who have strained relationships with their parents. Enough so, that they gripe and complain at every opportunity.

I have never claimed that I thought it was a blessing to care for my mom but considering how many times she sacrificed for me during the course of my life I could do nothing else but be there for her during her time of need.

While I understand not every one is cut out to be a caregiver and truly shouldn't do it if it means hating your very existence and then eventually hating your parent I am saddened by the number of people who declare such hatred for their parent when the only thing their parent did to them was grow old.

Hey, if you always had a strained relationship with your parent definitely don't become a caregiver for them. Why should you? But there are people in the world who actually loved their parents and want to take care of them and that doesn't make them martyrs.
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cwillie Mar 2019
I think most of us are just trying to do our best to find balance. These kinds of threads always attract the extreme viewpoints, and of course the entire forum attracts those who are searching for answers because they are living with untenable situations.
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Have to say I love this topic. I have been on this board for a few years and I am shocked at the number of people (ADULTS) who will ruin/sacrifice their lives out of fear of saying NO to a parent. I nearly did not stay on this forum in the beginning because I found just too many 'martyr' posts. Those who declared it was a blessing to care of a parent and the rest of us were ungrateful wretches for not doing the same. Sibling relationships ruined because one was willing to give up their life to cater to a parent who wanted their life to remain the same while the other siblings refused to do the same. We all make our own choices and no one has the right to be angry because another does not make the same choice we do.

There is no way I could have my father live with me. Our personalities clash. Even if we got along he is too needy and requires more help than I can give. He is 92 and I am 52. I can't give up my job to care for him. That would destroy my future. He needed help with everything when I had him over at Christmas. I realized that would be the last time I took him out of assisted living. He is in a safe place and is warm and fed. That is where my responsibility ends. I lose sleep every night wondering what will happen when he runs out of money. He helped someone out a couple years ago with money and if he needs Medicaid we will be in trouble....and no there is no way to get the money back.

We are keeping out seniors alive well past the point of them having a meaningful existence. My father has no joy in his life that I can see. Mind is going, body going but heart keeps beating. He had a decent life until about the age of 88. I can't stand to watch the never ending trips to the ER then rehab then back to AL only to repeat within a few weeks if I am lucky (his record of two days back in AL before going back to ER). It is not a life but an existence.

Do I feel guilty for not taking him into my home and caring for him? Heck no. If I did that I WOULD feel guilty for inflicting him on my husband and children.
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ANightingale8 Mar 2019
I agree with your view totally!
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Many of us adult children are not so young - we love our parents but know doing the hands-on physically taking care of them would kill us - then where would they be?  

The first line of my autobiography will be 'at the age of 69 I became an orphan' - there are some that are younger than me that need care - ruining your own health to help them in their old age is not a badge of courage but fool hearty because then you double those who need assistance unless you want to be your mom/dad's room-mate in a NH then pay attention to reasonable levels stress etc

This is not to say when you help them go into a NH that you have ceased to love them rather you are being realistic about the future - you may find that with the burden of everyday minutia taken care of that you will enjoy & love them more
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I think you provide some valid points. I'm in this situation and I have a son, in college, married, but no social life. Or time for my SO, like I wish. Mom is of sound mind, but right now very sick with lung disease and mobility issues. If her mobility gets worse, I will have no other choice. I won't feel guilty, not at this point, I've about killed myself, taking care of everything. Honestly I could not have done it sooner, and guilt is exactly why, but now I clearly see the major life sacrifices I've made, and know it cannot go like this much longer, or I won't make it and then she will be in nh and had I done it sooner, I'd still be alive and kicking. When your as close as me and mom, it's very difficult to pack their suitcase and go drop them off.(thought about it a few times!!) I did right by my mother and this is just my particular situation. I'm sure its different for so many. My advice.... Is do what's best for you, LO, and family, in the moment. Best wishes to you all. Love & Light💙
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2019
Well said!! Love and Light💞
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Your post will no doubt receive a myriad of answers. Some adult children choose to care for their parent at home, some cannot because their parent's illness requires a medical professional, some don't have the funds for self pay at an AL, some choose not for their parent to apply for Medicaid, et al.
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SOME of us children actually care about and love our parents. That's why. They took care of us when we were little and needed care, instead of being self-serving. Your parents must have been different.
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rovana Mar 2019
You can care about your parents but refuse to be a martyr/destroy your mental and physical health catering to their preferences vs. their needs. There need to be reasonable limits and everyone has rights. No one is meant to be anyone else's lawful prey. It should be about mutual caring, not just one sided. But keep in mind blk that having children is not generally done for the children to be's sake - the decision is made by parents and they may have many motivations.  And the fact is that if you live long enough you almost certainly will need caregiving.  Your kids did not cause this, did they? You could argue that if you get old, you have to be prepared to suck up some nasty realities. If you refuse, that's on you, not your kids.
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"Caring for a family member often takes a tremendous toll on the health and well-being of the caregiver. Research bears out that many caregivers neglect their own health while caring for their loved one. It fact, studies show that caregivers are at a much higher risk than others for diabetes, depression, stroke and other illnesses.
An oft-cited 1999 study found that caregivers have a 63 percent higher mortality rate than non-caregivers, and according to Stanford University, 40 percent of Alzheimer’s caregivers die from stress-related disorders before the patient dies." From article WHEN CAREGIVER IS SICKER THAN THE PATIENT --Nextavenue
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Dianne38 Mar 2019
63 percent?? Wow....its mind blowing really, but oh do I believe it!! Its like riding a constant emotional roller coaster. I find myself stressing out so much and worrying over my moms condition, that it is beginning to really affect my emotional and physical wellbeing. I'm glad I'm pretty self aware because I make myself step back and do more self care in addition, to making sure moms needs are also met. Remember to love yourself, take time for yourself, and be the healthiest version of you, as possible. Just eating well balanced and routine exercise can make such a positive difference:')
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PandaBear -- When I read this, I felt that your approach was too "Me - Me - Me!!! Centered." You know, selfish. But then, I've been reading the responses, and I think that at the very least, what you say is cathartic, if not the advice I'm ready to take.

Yes, I feel bad that I placed Mom in Memory Care at a Medicaid facility. We can't afford the $12,000 per month, and she has no assets and hardly any income.

What gets me is that the place isn't very comfie. But then again, she never cared about that. And now, she's unable to dress or use the bathroom.

If you bring anything there, it gets "lost," even when they follow protocol and put her name on it. The residents are like zombies, and they wander in and out of rooms, lying on other people's beds, taking anything shiny.

My husband and I go nearly every day to sit with Mom for a little while. She always begs to come home with us. We are all she has.

My mom was that kind of mom: she took care of my Dad when he got cancer -- and then she took care of her Dad who was an SOB if there ever was one -- and then she and my brother took care of each other in their mobile home until my Vietnam veteran, crazy brother finally passed away.

Forgive me, but it does cause an achy feeling, and I was raised to take care of people who love me.
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rovana Mar 2019
Have you considered that placing her in memory care was in fact the best decision for you all?   Of course she doesn't deserve dementia - but you did not cause it, did you? It is an imperfect world and we can only do the best we, in our particular circumstances, can. And sounds like that is what you are doing. You certainly are not abandoning her.
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This forum and the good people on it have helped me learn a tremendous amount about myself and caregiving. I also agree with you, Pandabear, and believe that caregiving MUST work for everyone involved. If that's two people or twenty, it must work for every person whose lifting a finger.

Old people who demand things be done their way, who demand to stay in their homes when they've become too big and/or too expensive, who demand to drive when it's no longer safe, who demand their lives remain unchanged are sucking the life out of family and friends. Friends leave but family feels guilty for establishing boundaries or saying "No, that won't work for me." And lord help the neglected spouses and children of caregivers who are unable to say "No", who won't manage expectations, and can't maintain healthy boundaries.

Thank you, Polarbear, for starting an honest discussion about dysfunctional caregiving.
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I am only 70 years old with an 80 year old husband with Alzheimer's in a home. The reason he is in a home is because he became aggressive and my family and friends were worrying about my safety. He is well taken care of and receives regular visits.

On another note, I have told my children that when the time comes that I need care, to place me in a home if I can no longer voluntarily go in one. I feel that no one other than nurses, trained for this, can take better care of a person than anyone at home. I don't want any of my children give up their life to take care of me.

When my mom died, my dad told me that he wanted to go in a home. He told me that he didn't want to live alone and didn't want to move in and be a burden to any of his two children. He too stated that a home is where older folks belong. Unfortunately he had a double aneurysm on the day of my mom's funeral and passed away very shortly after that.

My dad always had a clear view on life which I must have inherited.

Just my two cents worth.
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ExhaustedPiper Mar 2019
You were lucky to have such an unselfish father.
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Once again, I am writing from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early-onset ALZ 3 yrs ago.,as my DW and I were setting up our Estate along with our attorney. My DW and I lived through watching my maternal uncle spend four years dying from his battle with ALZ, and watching him fight saying, nothing was the matter with him. That was almost 15 yrs ago. During that time my wife and I began talking about what we would like for future care, and we were equally onboard with how each other wished to be taken care of.

We had the attorney set up a Living Trust in my DW's name, DPOA, Medical Directives, pour over wills etc. We required our adult children review the Trust and other legal documents and allowed them to ask any questions they wanted to ask. I reaffirmed my wish that when I needed AL or MC, that I wanted to be moved 100 mi from where we live so it was inconvenient for them to visit. My DW and adult children are aware of my wishes, and the fact that I want them to live their own lives to the fullest, and to take care of their own families, and not give Mom any trouble as she goes about living the way she wishes. We've made our wishes well known to our 2 adult children who are ages 22 & 20 with a 12yr old daughter who vaguely knows about my wishes, but her brothers and my DW, will get her up to speed when she is mature enough to completely understand my wishes.. I have one adult son age 38.

Fortunately for us, we listened to our parents advice and have profited from their
wisdom. We have passed these lessons on to our children and taught them about how their responsibilities in life would evolve and their first priority would become their spouses and children, not their parents. Every family is different, we have all been guided by our faith and that is what has made this road so much easier for us.

I've been noting difficulty in completing tasks that were once simply, and begun struggling trying to find everyday words, much more frequently. I am beginning to shed responsibilities as they relate to our taxes, bills, and finances, because I am losing track of things. I am saddened, knowing I won't be 60 until July, and I am now unable to contribute much to our family's welfare.

Make a plan for your family and live by it and include your wishes for how your finances are handled, future healthcare is handled and funeral arrangements. This will be a great gift to all of your family.
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ANightingale8 Mar 2019
Your view on things resonates so much with mine as you'll read just below. My husband and I also had all documents in place, and had family discussions, luckily long before he had Alzheimer's, and therefore, things are easier to handle from a legal perspective.
I wish you well, your words hold lots of wisdom.
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My 85 year old mother has congestive heart failure, a lung condition, and suffers from getting old-itis. She resents it and complains about it often. I am in good health, widowed, in good health, and still work full time. I live with her during the week and go home on weekends. I have 3 brothers, only one of whom may have her over for dinner once or twice a month. She developed tendinitis in her foot/leg and now that requires doctor visits and PT. I resent the time it takes to plan evening meals, shop for and prepare in advance what I can (usually my Sunday), take her to the doctor, take her to PT, clean her house when time permits, work, and try to spend time with my own kids and grandchildren and perhaps have a little time to take care of other business on Saturdays. I, too, am aging and I don't want to turn 70 and find out I'm still doing this and my own life has passed me by. Her medications are dialed in and it appears she will live to be at least 100. Not saying I wish otherwise, it just seems like many of our elders are living longer and longer thanks to modern medicine. She did not want help care for her own parents when they were sick and old (although she would disagree) and this also chaps my hide. I also feel that being the only one who "can" do it it sort of defaulted to me. I just want to feel better and not be so angry.

That said, I've decided to think more about me and what I want. I set some goals that are about ME this year and already feel a little better. Encouraged her to try some frozen meals. Going to set her up with Uber and/or Lyft. One step at a time.
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worriedinCali Mar 2019
Good for you Bootsies! I hope you achieve your goals. Take care of yourself, you owe it to yourself to do that :)
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My Papa absolutely belongs in a NH. Parkinson’s and 91. Lost 30 pounds in a year. 5 falls in the last month. Blind, extremely hard of hearing to boot. BUT, he does not have dementia, and so, refuses to go. So, that is still his choice. He’s getting a little “fuzzy” dementia wise. As soon as it’s pronounced enough, off he goes.
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mally1 Mar 2019
You go girl!
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My husband has POA for his mom, which she willingly gave. It is VERY helpful and we have managed to get all financial transactions so that we are handling them. That was quite a process, to say the least! Old habits die hard, for one thing. But no more bounced checks or double-paid bills, etc.

For us, though, it's not about guilt at all. The timing to place her in a care facility, if ever, can only be after such time as we are forced to go the guardianship route. TMI to explain here (rogue family members, etc. make this very complicated), except to say that she's only 91 and her own mother lived to 106. We are trying to hold out as long as possible so that it will be more likely the money will hold out to pay for the care facility all the way to the end. Also, she is still mobile and some of her behaviors might get her kicked out of a facility! So we may wait until she's literally bedridden.

Anyway, right now she's staying in her own home and we are living with her. (Thankfully, it's a large home and we have our own space.) What has kept us sane is that we have a lady who comes in a few hours each day and does some personal-assistance stuff for MIL. There is also a home-health nurse who checks on her once a week.

I know what you mean about the extended lifespans many are living now. I keep wondering if the rest of my life will be about care giving. If my MIL lives to 106, my husband will be past 80 and I may be having to care for him in my 70s. Sobering...
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Pandabear,
You make some interesting and good points, imo. I think that one of the biggest surprises that I encountered when I started reading message boards for caregivers of seniors and those with dementia, is how danged guilty everybody was. I have wondered about it for years.

The biggest and most rewarding day for me, was when I was able to place my LO somewhere where she was properly cared for and protected. There are a lot of hoops to jump through to get all the paperwork done, the medical stuff done, the financials done, the actual move, etc. To me, it was a labor of love and I knew that if my LO was thinking clearly, she would hug me and say THANK YOU for looking out for me.

So, when I see loving family members who have sacrificed years of their life, doing everything in their power to care for a family member and they are miserable due to guilt.....it boggles my mind. I think I read that caregiver burnout causes this. It's not rational, but, I think that when the body and mind get totally exhausted, that we just develop irrational feelings and fears. I sure am glad there are message boards like this one to vent, share, and support each other, because to deal with guilt, when you ARE A SAINT, must be pretty awful.
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ANightingale8 Mar 2019
Agree with you. I too felt it a rewarding experience being able to find the right home for my husband with Alzheimer's. He has a cute what you can call 'bachelor suite' with a full kitchenette and bathroom and instead of a bed in the middle of the room, I bought him a day bed that looks like a sofa by day. He has his huge TV there and the place looks cozy, like a living room. Although his Alzheimer's is progressing, he is still able to care for himself, makes sure to place his fancy pillows on the sofa/bed by day and keeps his place tidy. I also bought him a cozy LazyBoy recliner which he uses a lot.
Because of his aggression, I can no longer visit him, but one of my daughters does and he regularly tells her how much he loves his place. If he were to see me, he gets very upset and wants to come home and tells me that he has no Alzheimer's, just some forgetfulness.
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Many of the people here who are really struggling don't have POAs. Or they do, but the LO is stubborn and refuses to go for an evaluation that would lead to guardianship.

Glad you were able to fix what needed fixing, but it's just not quite that simple for everyone. Especially when mixed in to all of it is grief about the LO's decline and soon to be death.
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Sounds like common sense to me!!! There are so many variables in people’s lives that make us do what we do....but i agree 100% with your post!! Blessings to you...
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Well, this is just what I needed to hear this morning. Modern medicine has kept the elderly alive waaaaayy beyond their shelf life. Fortunately, my nearly 90 year old mom, who I dearly love, was around 60% mental capacity when, after her 3rd hospital-rehab stint, declared she wanted to live out her days in a facility. It was a miracle! Of course, my out-of-state sibling fought me every step of the way, insisting things weren't really so bad, I was exaggerating, she should remain in her home with me continuing to do all the grunt work I had been doing for the last 16 years. Even though mom lived independently, she did not drive, had many, many, many medical issues literally from head to toe, and at 62, I still work 5 days a week. Started out assisted living, now nursing home, under hospice care, non-ambulatory and in very late stage dementia. Being POA is all about putting aside your personal feelings, emotions and having the guts to do the right thing no matter how much it tortures you or how much a sibling tortures you and tries to heap on the guilt and shame. Mom is well taken care of and I am proud of the due diligence I performed in wrapping up her affairs, selling her home, managing her finances, and scrupulously studying and visiting facilities in a three-county area. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but the best thing for my mother. I have no regrets, no guilt, only peace of mind knowing I did EVERYTHING in my power to keep her safe and comfortable.
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Thank you for your great answer. I am wondering when I will need to put Mom in care. She has vascular dementia and still insists on everything "her way." I am the one I worry about now. I hope I can figure this all out and have some remainder of my life back. Thank you for your clarity.
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Having POA actually creates more of a feeling of responsibility toward a parent. You're in charge, so you feel every decision. There are so many factors that come into play when having to make decisions for our parents who are aged, ill and/or have one of the dementias. For those who made the promise to help their parents age in place or have opened their homes to their parents, it's really hard to break that promise. The unfortunate thing is that the promise is usually made out of respect and duty to parents when things are okay and there is no real understanding of what lies ahead. Even more unfortunate is that parents don't make plans/create guidelines for their own care ahead of time that would release their children of the guilt of having to move them to a care community should the burden and stress of caring for them become too much.

Every person has to decide what's best for them in terms of making the decision to transition their parent(s) to a community or not. Things to consider about yourself when trying to make decisions include impact of caregiving on your health, stress level, relationships, impact on other family members, job, finances, level and quality of care you're actually providing. Things to consider about your parent(s) include their overall health, cognition and behavior, fall risk, level of assist they require for self-care and other daily activities, mobility, safety (can they really be alone or do you cross your fingers every day when you leave for work or other obligations?).

If your only reason for not transitioning your parent to a care community is because of guilt, it's a good idea to try to understand and work through that guilt so that you can make the decision that is best for your parent(s).
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