Who should do it doesn't matter one bit. Who will do it? That's the only thing that's important. If no one can be counted on to take care of you, how do you arrange your life to accommodate that fact?
Ikdrymom: Absolutely correct! And yet many of the Greatest Generation have failed to plan ahead. I have, though I am a Baby Boomer. I will not make it so difficult for MY daughter! Plan ahead for your own self, e.g. I myself am considered an elder approaching age 72. Take steps now so that you can do your best to make make it it isn't so challenging for your own children.
Who's *responsible*? The lady herself. If she needs help with care, or support generally, it is up to her to arrange it. If she is no longer able to make such arrangements, the responsibility falls to whomever agreed to accept it. If she didn't gain the agreement in principle of any one person to take this job on, for example by appointing POAs, the responsibility falls to willing family members or, if there are none, to her community and then to the state.
This sounds cold; but there is a lesson in there for all of us. We spend so much time discussing elders' current issues but perhaps not nearly enough recognising that those elders will be us in just a short time. And the fundamental point is the same: consenting adults, however aged, are responsible for themselves. We all know exactly when we'll be eighty - God willing - after all. It's not like it happens by accident.
For practical purposes, in the case of this particular aging mother, it is up to her (or her representative, if she can't) to ask for help. If her children are not willing to provide support she will have to look for other resources, and she would do better not to lean on siblings who are, presumably, in much the same age boat as herself. The relevant Area Agency on Aging will offer advice about where to start.
CM--You are such a fount of wisdom! I had assumed this lady was incapable of taking the reins of her own care.
Absolutely, the person in "need" should make the big decisions. Only if she is completely unable to voice her opinion should she be waiting on her kids to step up. Wish my mother had been more vocal and upfront with us kids.
We're there with my MIL. She simply expects her daughter to take her in and care for her. Daughter already has her OWN daughter and 2 sons living with her. This fact does not seem to dissuade MIL that her daughter "owes her" this.
I feel her children are responsible for her care or setting up care for her.
How old are you and your siblings. This would have a lot to do with who can do the caregiving if one of her siblings would want to. Also, depends on what sister has wrong with her.
I am assuming here that someone feels siblings are? Sorry, but I feel no responsibility to my brothers. Both have grown children of their own and one a wife. Now, if they lived by, I may visit giving the caregiver a break. Maybe make a meal. Help with transportation.
More information is needed to give u a good answer.
No one who doesn’t want to be a hands-on caregiver should be expected or be assigned responsibility to do so. It’s darned difficult. There’s no training, no compensation unless you get paid from the person’s own funds, and it’s a thankless job. If everyone is passing the buck about Mom’s care, it would be best to call a family meeting and decide what’s to be done.
No one person is responsible for the care of an elderly relative. Hopefully, in the best situation, the person has made a plan (unlikely) for care as they age. My parents didn't make any plans and wound up in the streets, so to speak. YB added on to his home and they moved in there. Moving from a 5000 sf home to an 800 sf apartment was hard!! Daddy passed 13 years ago. Mother is going on 22 years in the apartment, which my brother absolutely DID NOT plan for, nor enjoys one bit.
The rest of us sibs kick in some money to pay YB for his services, Mother is requiring more and more care, but YB will not allow outside help at all. His call, We cannot dissuade him to move mother to a more hands on NH and so he gets the largest slice of the pie, work wise.
I am pretty adamantly opposed to having parents move in with their families. Horror stories abound on these boards. Yes, it CAN work, but seems like it really never does, and can cause fractured families and bad feelings.
Everyone is different. Every family has different dynamics. W/O knowing more about your situation, I can't say.
I know, for my family, once mother passes, we will likely never get together again as a family. Too much infighting, too many sibs were simply MIA all the time and bad feelings ensued.
Having read another post, it is possible that there are local laws that might make children responsible. Not anywhere I have heard of with evidence, rather than anecdoctally though!
See if I understand this correctly: You have a sister who will need care soon. She has adult children but none of them seem willing (able?) to take charge of her care. You are wondering if you and/or your other siblings should take on her care, or leave it to her children. Is that correct?
First, what kind of care is sis going to need? Is this temporary (such as after surgery) or more permanent?
Has sister named a financial POA and a healthcare POA? Who are they? Did they accept the assignment? Note that having POA authority does not require direct caregiving. It could be a matter of arranging suitable care, for example.
What is your sister's preference for care? How do you and your siblings feel about caring for her?
Give us a little more information about this situation, and perhaps someone can share some relevant experience.
This sounds cold; but there is a lesson in there for all of us. We spend so much time discussing elders' current issues but perhaps not nearly enough recognising that those elders will be us in just a short time. And the fundamental point is the same: consenting adults, however aged, are responsible for themselves. We all know exactly when we'll be eighty - God willing - after all. It's not like it happens by accident.
For practical purposes, in the case of this particular aging mother, it is up to her (or her representative, if she can't) to ask for help. If her children are not willing to provide support she will have to look for other resources, and she would do better not to lean on siblings who are, presumably, in much the same age boat as herself. The relevant Area Agency on Aging will offer advice about where to start.
Absolutely, the person in "need" should make the big decisions. Only if she is completely unable to voice her opinion should she be waiting on her kids to step up. Wish my mother had been more vocal and upfront with us kids.
We're there with my MIL. She simply expects her daughter to take her in and care for her. Daughter already has her OWN daughter and 2 sons living with her. This fact does not seem to dissuade MIL that her daughter "owes her" this.
How old are you and your siblings. This would have a lot to do with who can do the caregiving if one of her siblings would want to. Also, depends on what sister has wrong with her.
I am assuming here that someone feels siblings are? Sorry, but I feel no responsibility to my brothers. Both have grown children of their own and one a wife. Now, if they lived by, I may visit giving the caregiver a break. Maybe make a meal. Help with transportation.
More information is needed to give u a good answer.
The rest of us sibs kick in some money to pay YB for his services, Mother is requiring more and more care, but YB will not allow outside help at all. His call, We cannot dissuade him to move mother to a more hands on NH and so he gets the largest slice of the pie, work wise.
I am pretty adamantly opposed to having parents move in with their families. Horror stories abound on these boards. Yes, it CAN work, but seems like it really never does, and can cause fractured families and bad feelings.
Everyone is different. Every family has different dynamics. W/O knowing more about your situation, I can't say.
I know, for my family, once mother passes, we will likely never get together again as a family. Too much infighting, too many sibs were simply MIA all the time and bad feelings ensued.
First, what kind of care is sis going to need? Is this temporary (such as after surgery) or more permanent?
Has sister named a financial POA and a healthcare POA? Who are they? Did they accept the assignment? Note that having POA authority does not require direct caregiving. It could be a matter of arranging suitable care, for example.
What is your sister's preference for care? How do you and your siblings feel about caring for her?
Give us a little more information about this situation, and perhaps someone can share some relevant experience.