The kids or sibs who are able! It may require some from each; at least, as many as can help some. Some may be unable, physically, mentally, or financially. Family meetings could help; if local, in person; if long-distance, then there're a number of video-chat venues to conference. Discuss in advance, & as many times as needed, to reach realistic agreement, even if Mom resists or is obstructive...relatives need to do it to help themselves hold onto sanity & health! NONE of my half-siblings were willing to group-discuss either of my Mom’s care w/me. That caused loads of problems. Most were “too busy”, “too far”, “too traumatized”, “too disabled”, etc. Thank goodness, Mom2 was pretty good prioritizing & planning ahead! --Mom1 had 5 kids. One never talks w/some siblings; rarely asks of Mom. Other Son & wife are fairly disabled, unable to help physically or financially; he'd helped some, but, no more. 3 daughters all chronically, repeatedly came to Mom’s rescue (she’s now over 90); she’s managed to burn-out all...2 disabled, w/sick spouses, as well as their own health issues. One has a special needs adult child & their partner to assist. The eldest kid had Mom living with her 6 years, before that; it ended traumatically. The middle one, w/health, finances issues, is currently stuck w/Mom living at her house for the last 7 yrs., geographically too far for any of the others to help. IF/ when this kid’s kids & grandkids can, they help a bit..they balk, but do help some. No others can take Mom1 into their homes, & cannot help from a distance. None have much money..if they spent it helping Mom, they’d need State assistance too. We all joke, at this rate, there’s a good chance Mom1 will outlive some, or all of us. We’ve been told: no care facility will take her. --Mom2: .Planned. her life, including to have 3 kids, “so none will get stuck taking lengthy care of a parent, alone”, & to "make sure she only ever had one kid in diapers at a time". She still lives in her split level house, pushing 90, fragile, a bit dotty...but managing, with props, to stay independent. IDK...maybe having to climb steps several times a day for over 50 years, has kept her in better shape, longer? She’s kept active mind & body. Smart! As an only child, the burden of multiple-elder-care fell on her...heavily. She had to travel from CA to IL to close out her Mom’s estate, bring her senile Mom back to her house in CA by train[!!], care for her for several years, in a split level house, bathrooms only on middle level, far from family activity areas. At wit’s end, she finally moved her mom to a care home to get respite, less than a year before her Mom died. BUT...her hubby was ailing / failing all during; then .his. Mom needed care...they closed out her apartment, moved her over 100 miles by car, w/ belongings, to their guest room. Mom2 was effectively running long-term elder care for three parents, mostly alone. AND dealing, for over 15 years, with a corrupt lawyer & the State Bar Assoc., because that lawyer corrupted another G’ma’s estate. How’d she manage? Well, it wasn’t always kosher. But no was injured or died, on her watch. They all had necessities, & some more. Now, her 3 kids: One's too far away & in frail health, one travels a lot, tho lives about 40 miles away, helps some. Her middle child lives about 60 miles away, stressful FTjob, high cost of living area, yet, is most on the hook for helping...& she’s a stressed-out nervous wreck much of the time. She & her partner have NO wish to move back in w/Mom2, even though there’s Plenty of room, & it could drastically reduce their cost of living....tho the tradeoff would be commuting hell, at least a few days per week. People can only participate up to reasonable, realistic limits. There ARE limits! i.e.: No fully disabled kid should have to fully caregive an ailing parent, much less one that abused them.
Call me a rebel if you will but I do not believe that children should be responsible for the care of an elderly parent. A few years ago, I was horrified to hear a pregnant young woman say that she was having children "so there would be somebody to take care of me in my old age." What a horribly selfish reason to bring a child into the world.
None of asked to be born - so why should we be "punished" by our elderly parents because they did not plan for their eventual decline and demise? Also, many elderly parents and adult children do not get along and have never been close. Why should anyone want to help somebody they don't even like, let alone a parent who may have abused or neglected them?
Don't know if you have read about the growing phenomenon in Japan of a "lonely death." With so many couples only having one child - or no children - there is nobody to look in on an elderly person who lives alone. So, many are found dead in their apartments.
Perhaps countries need to hire people for the express purpose of looking in on, and providing some assistance, to elderly persons who live alone.
To JohnJoe and Country Mouse, by my estimate I am in year 12 of caregiving my elderly mom in some form or other. The last four years have been quite intense. I think children may be more willing to caregive if there is a specified time limit. For many of others, we don't know when the end is in sight. So I am very careful to judge the children involved without having all the details. Every situation is very, very different. Most people want to do the right thing.
It can be difficult or impossible to know what the real story is - is parent an abuser, mentally ill, refusing to accept care - keep in mind that parent does not have the right to dictate what kind of care. A situation can look very different on the outside to the insider reality.
This is a tough one. I reluctantly took on the role of organizing and supervising the care of my elderly parents a few years ago. My father was in poor health and needed in -home care my mother was not physically able to do.
I have 3 siblings who are reluctant to step in. Dad was the dominate force in our lives and I had to walk a careful line to get him to cooperate without him taking it out on Mom. To be honest if it had been only Dad I would have called Adult Protective Services to deal with him. My goal was to provide support to Mom.
Dd died last year and now I am dealing with a 91 year old mother. I retired early to enjoy my retirement but didn’t realize how much time would be involved dealing with Mom's medical and financial issues.
Even though she is in assisted living I probably spend 3-6 hours a day on Mom stuff. It’s hard to believe how cumbersome dealing with a physically frail person can become. A simple trip to the doctor can consume 3 hours!
Back to the question: I can understand the children not wanting to help - bad childhoods, not wanting to see a parent grow old and infirm, a demanding or ungrateful parent, not wanting to deal with medical/inconvenience issues, unfamiliarity with the medical and insurance needs, navigating finding and selecting a facility, etc.
Dont use the excuse of them sacrificing their lives for us when we were young. She was 27 when I was born, 32 when she started me on housework, 45 when I left home with many healthy active years between then and now. I am 64 and could spend 5-10 years caring for Mom with only my dealing years to look forward to. There really is no comparison.
But you do it out of the goodness in your heart. It makes you feel good when you're trying to help someone. I'm older and can't do it alone but helping with others makes you feel good about yourself and makes you feel like you are doing something beneficial for someone else. I'm hoping it will even give me a few more brownie points getting into heaven.
It may require some from each; at least, as many as can help some.
Some may be unable, physically, mentally, or financially.
Family meetings could help; if local, in person; if long-distance, then there're a number of video-chat venues to conference.
Discuss in advance, & as many times as needed, to reach realistic agreement, even if Mom resists or is obstructive...relatives need to do it to help themselves hold onto sanity & health!
NONE of my half-siblings were willing to group-discuss either of my Mom’s care w/me. That caused loads of problems. Most were “too busy”, “too far”, “too traumatized”, “too disabled”, etc.
Thank goodness, Mom2 was pretty good prioritizing & planning ahead!
--Mom1 had 5 kids.
One never talks w/some siblings; rarely asks of Mom.
Other Son & wife are fairly disabled, unable to help physically or financially; he'd helped some, but, no more.
3 daughters all chronically, repeatedly came to Mom’s rescue (she’s now over 90); she’s managed to burn-out all...2 disabled, w/sick spouses, as well as their own health issues. One has a special needs adult child & their partner to assist.
The eldest kid had Mom living with her 6 years, before that; it ended traumatically.
The middle one, w/health, finances issues, is currently stuck w/Mom living at her house for the last 7 yrs., geographically too far for any of the others to help. IF/ when this kid’s kids & grandkids can, they help a bit..they balk, but do help some.
No others can take Mom1 into their homes, & cannot help from a distance.
None have much money..if they spent it helping Mom, they’d need State assistance too.
We all joke, at this rate, there’s a good chance Mom1 will outlive some, or all of us. We’ve been told: no care facility will take her.
--Mom2: .Planned. her life, including to have 3 kids, “so none will get stuck taking lengthy care of a parent, alone”, & to "make sure she only ever had one kid in diapers at a time". She still lives in her split level house, pushing 90, fragile, a bit dotty...but managing, with props, to stay independent.
IDK...maybe having to climb steps several times a day for over 50 years, has kept her in better shape, longer? She’s kept active mind & body. Smart!
As an only child, the burden of multiple-elder-care fell on her...heavily.
She had to travel from CA to IL to close out her Mom’s estate, bring her senile Mom back to her house in CA by train[!!], care for her for several years, in a split level house, bathrooms only on middle level, far from family activity areas.
At wit’s end, she finally moved her mom to a care home to get respite, less than a year before her Mom died. BUT...her hubby was ailing / failing all during; then .his. Mom needed care...they closed out her apartment, moved her over 100 miles by car, w/ belongings, to their guest room.
Mom2 was effectively running long-term elder care for three parents, mostly alone. AND dealing, for over 15 years, with a corrupt lawyer & the State Bar Assoc., because that lawyer corrupted another G’ma’s estate.
How’d she manage? Well, it wasn’t always kosher.
But no was injured or died, on her watch. They all had necessities, & some more.
Now, her 3 kids: One's too far away & in frail health, one travels a lot, tho lives about 40 miles away, helps some.
Her middle child lives about 60 miles away, stressful FTjob, high cost of living area, yet, is most on the hook for helping...& she’s a stressed-out nervous wreck much of the time. She & her partner have NO wish to move back in w/Mom2, even though there’s Plenty of room, & it could drastically reduce their cost of living....tho the tradeoff would be commuting hell, at least a few days per week.
People can only participate up to reasonable, realistic limits.
There ARE limits! i.e.: No fully disabled kid should have to fully caregive an ailing parent, much less one that abused them.
None of asked to be born - so why should we be "punished" by our elderly parents because they did not plan for their eventual decline and demise? Also, many elderly parents and adult children do not get along and have never been close. Why should anyone want to help somebody they don't even like, let alone a parent who may have abused or neglected them?
Don't know if you have read about the growing phenomenon in Japan of a "lonely death." With so many couples only having one child - or no children - there is nobody to look in on an elderly person who lives alone. So, many are found dead in their apartments.
Perhaps countries need to hire people for the express purpose of looking in on, and providing some assistance, to elderly persons who live alone.
I have 3 siblings who are reluctant to step in. Dad was the dominate force in our lives and I had to walk a careful line to get him to cooperate without him taking it out on Mom. To be honest if it had been only Dad I would have called Adult Protective Services to deal with him. My goal was to provide support to Mom.
Dd died last year and now I am dealing with a 91 year old mother. I retired early to enjoy my retirement but didn’t realize how much time would be involved dealing with Mom's medical and financial issues.
Even though she is in assisted living I probably spend 3-6 hours a day on Mom stuff. It’s hard to believe how cumbersome dealing with a physically frail person can become. A simple trip to the doctor can consume 3 hours!
Back to the question: I can understand the children not wanting to help - bad childhoods, not wanting to see a parent grow old and infirm, a demanding or ungrateful parent, not wanting to deal with medical/inconvenience issues, unfamiliarity with the medical and insurance needs, navigating finding and selecting a facility, etc.
Dont use the excuse of them sacrificing their lives for us when we were young. She was 27 when I was born, 32 when she started me on housework, 45 when I left home with many healthy active years between then and now. I am 64 and could spend 5-10 years caring for Mom with only my dealing years to look forward to. There really is no comparison.