I hope someone can advise me. I have an elderly, childless, unmarried aunt who does live independently but has mental concerns akin to schizophrenia or bipolar and has already suffered several falls (with injury at times). I checked in on her for many years and I suffered a lot of verbal abuse from her. I put up with it because I figured it was better to stay "in the loop" with her in case I ended up responsible for her and there were times when I was the only family member she would talk to because she was mad at everyone else. Her relationships tend to suffer rather drastic ups and downs and she herself is 99% of the reason for that! She eventually stopped speaking to me after I made some unpopular decisions regarding another elderly family member's care. This has been several years. I believe she had (years ago) named me as her decisionmaker, but I never saw any papers to prove that. With her mental health history, family historically never knew what to believe as it seemed to be a 50/50 shot at anything she said being true. I am concerned that I will be asked to (forced to?) provide care or act as a decision maker. It's been years since I've been involved with her and I no longer feel like I know much about her health or affairs anymore. I don't know that a reconciliation will ever happen and I am not actively pursuing that. She is a very abusive person and I still need to recover from many years of her. I honestly could not see myself stepping in after all that's happened and I don't think she would let me near her anyway - which I believe is her right. Can family be mandated in a case like this if no one steps forward? I am probably her closest living relative who is healthy enough to fill a caregiving role. Would the courts appoint a case manager in a situation like this?
a POA.
If the time comes and you get that phone call, refuse to come. Tell them that Aunt is estranged. That you are not willing to take on her care or be involved. That the state will need to become her guardian since she has no family of her own. Just because she is related, does not make u automatically responsible. Don't allow them to tell u otherwise.
That you have not been in contact with your aunt for [however many years] and have absolutely no information about her circumstances; and that it is not in her best interests for you to be her decision-maker because she has never been prepared to give you the necessary information or authority to act for her. You regret that you are unable to assist, but feel strongly that she will be better represented by professionals who know the system and have the authority.
You had better also decide in advance whether you want to be kept informed or not.
Your post makes me sad. Understandably, considering how many times she's bitten you, you're reluctant to go anywhere near her; but you've become so focused on your anxiety that you might be forced to (nobody can force you to) that you've rather lost sight of *her*.
Supposing that you were safely out of the way and never had to be within reach or earshot of her: what would you want for her?
Difficult, unattractive, challenging, even abusive people are still people. You probably still know more about this lady's preferences and habits and wavelength than anybody else does. Don't you think your input into her care plan would be helpful to her and to anyone responsible for her support?
The only way you could be contacted is if Aunt remembers your number. And if you are contacted just say your sorry but you can't take on the responsibility of her care. Not sure where the State guardian's come from. But someone will be assigned to ur Aunt. Please don't worry about this. Just say sorry no and hang up if it happens. Then block any calls. Really, not just because of your history with this Aunt but because you really don't want that responsibility.
Not to worry, you are not responsible for your aunt's care,
Hospital may call and say "we have your aunt here. She is ready for discharge. Someone from her family must come and pick her up".
Your response could be "I have not been in touch with my aunt for x years. I'm glad to hear she is being released. What is your plan for a safe discharge".
[Hospital] She needs 24/7 care,. Family must provide it.
You..." I need to work full time in order to support myself. I cannot possibly care for her
(Hospital) oh don't worry, we will get you lots of help (don't fall for this).
You: And if I can't provide care for her?
(Hospital) [ominously]..she will become a ward of the state and you will lose ALL control.
(You) that's sounds like just what needs to happen. Please give the court appointed guardian my phone number so that I can visit.
Yes, we are suppose to be of service but that doesn't mean we need to take total care of someone. My Dads family was close, but I was not raised where my parents "expected" me to care for them. They never made me feel I was to be responsible for an Aunt or a sibling. TG, I never had to make that decision because they all had/have families of their own. Now being there for them, like running errands, taking them to appts, etc. I have and will do that but I have learned to set boundries.
And that is what needs to be done in MSs situation. She needs to set boundries. Government agencies will try to put the responsibility of someones care on someone else to save them time and trouble. Its hard enough caring for someone but then ad mental illness, makes it impossible. MS has dealt with this Aunt. The State as guardian will get the Aunt help faster than MSs could. At 70, I would not welcome that stress. I have done my caregiving. And service, done that and have been taking advantage of. I no longer volunteer. If asked, I will do.
One thing I have learned in life, is the only one you can depend on is yourself. Not that my girls won't be there for me, but they are single and need to work and have families. I need to care for myself. Realize that a time may come where I can't stay in my home. Realize that I might need help and hire it or go into an AL. I want to make my daughters lives as easy as possible. I want them to visit because they want to not because "oh my god I have to do this and that for Mom and she could so easily have gone to an AL and that would have been done for her".