They refuse to leave their home and depend on us to care for them. We need a third party to have a discussion with them because I have tried and they just get mad and yell.
ok so they need a caretaker because you/ the others do not want to take care of them and you believe they'd do better in a care center that would use up all the money from selling the home or something else ? What are the exact reasons besides you don't want to have the burden ? As they took care of you and the others throughout life most likely I am sure it was not always convenient and not always financially possible . What did they do with their parents ? These are thoughts to be honest with yourselves on and to remember you are teaching your own kids how to treat you as you grow older .
I agree with the replies about cutting back so you're not enabling! The agencies that provide CNAs and nursing assistants come the first time for a free in-home evaluation. Perhaps you can talk to a few of those companies and see which are willing to help with a judgment call about whether they're safe without 24x7 care, i.e., should be living in assisted care, and bring them out.
It is true that your parents can choose to live in their house as long as they want. And you and your siblings will need to set boundaries of what you can and cannot do for them. My 90 year old mother is living somewhat independently in her apartment with my help, and a friend who she pays for extra days she "wants more contact." I have spoken to her doctor privately, since I am her POA and she is getting to the point where she will need to allow extra help if she is to stay there. Of course, it will not be easy, as I have been down this road with her sisters and now her. But you have to be firm, and will feel guilty that you can't do everything your parents want. But you have to be realistic, too, about what they can expect from you. The transition is different for each family, but you and your siblings need to work together to help your parents stay safe and healthy. There is advice about how to broach this delicate subject with your parents, because when it comes down to it, you and your siblings should be a part of the decision making process since they depend on you. For example, until recently my mother would not allow me to go in to her doctor and dentist appointments. Then she would confuse and/or complain about them. I said, "Mom, I can't be a part of this conversation if I'm not a part of your appointments and care." She didn't like that, but after a few days to think about it, she relented. Now I'm allowed in, and she is much less fearful and the results are much more productive. It has to be simply stated in a way they feel included, given time to think about it, and realize and accept your role in their care and safety. I wish you the best!
How old are your parents? How much care do they need? Housekeeping? Meals? Transportation to appointments? Medication management? Do they have any signs of dementia?
If they were to sell their house and move into some level of care community, how long could they afford to pay their own way? Do they have lots of assets besides the house? Do they have a decent income (pensions, etc.)?
Somehow what they want, what they can afford, and what they really need, have to be balanced out.
Could they stay in their home longer (maybe not forever) if the care you and your sibs are providing were obtained through agencies or other sources and paid for by your parents?
keepthefaith, now if your parents refuse to have strangers in the house, I had a light bulb moment with my parents on how to get tradesmen into the house to do work.
I remember my Dad needed a new florescent ceiling light. Nope, no more climbing ladders for me, told Dad he needs to call an electrician. Oh no, no strangers in the house. No, nada, never.
Well, I remember a few years back my parents liked the painter I had recommended, perfect match. So I called the painter and asked if he could recommend an electrician. Bravo, I have a name.
So I called my parents and said "Mike recommended Joe at ABC, he is excellent". Next thing I knew when I drove past my parent's house, there was the truck in the driveway :) Got another perfect match.
keepthefaith, so many of us on these forums have gone through the same thing with our parents. As for a 3rd party to talk to them, it would need to be someone whom they would take such advice. Such as someone from the church/temple.... an Elder Law Attorney... a close friend. Parents usually don't listen to us, as we are just the "kids" and what do we know... [sigh].
By the way, if your parents are still of clear mind [no dementia], then they can do whatever they want to do. They can stay in that house forever.
Gather the sibling(s) and everyone write down what they do for Mom and Dad, and I mean everything. Now take that list and cross off half the items.... now cross off a couple more. Stick to the items remaining on the list, don't budge. If your parent ask for something not on the list, say "sorry, I cannot possibly do that". Yep, you will feel guilty. But it's a project to get one's parent to see the reality of their life. Especially if they can afford to move to Independent Living, which is around $5k per month, depending on where you live. Or your parents hire professional caregivers to come to the house to help. My own Mom refused them.
What is currently happening is that you and your sibling(s) are enabling your parents to remain in their house. Why should they move??? They have their children helping out with everything. And they don't see us being tired and overwhelmed. They see us as being in our 20's with a ton of energy.... not someone who is also aging with our own health issues.
My parents were in their 90's and still living in their house. One has to wait for a medical emergency to happen where the parent goes to the hospital via 911, then into rehab, and then into senior living. But, like I said, if your parents are of clear mind, they can go home, and one spouse will claim the other spouse can take care of them. Yep, that also happened to my parents. It wasn't until another medical emergency happened that changed everything.
If they were to sell their house and move into some level of care community, how long could they afford to pay their own way? Do they have lots of assets besides the house? Do they have a decent income (pensions, etc.)?
Somehow what they want, what they can afford, and what they really need, have to be balanced out.
Could they stay in their home longer (maybe not forever) if the care you and your sibs are providing were obtained through agencies or other sources and paid for by your parents?
I remember my Dad needed a new florescent ceiling light. Nope, no more climbing ladders for me, told Dad he needs to call an electrician. Oh no, no strangers in the house. No, nada, never.
Well, I remember a few years back my parents liked the painter I had recommended, perfect match. So I called the painter and asked if he could recommend an electrician. Bravo, I have a name.
So I called my parents and said "Mike recommended Joe at ABC, he is excellent". Next thing I knew when I drove past my parent's house, there was the truck in the driveway :) Got another perfect match.
You are not obligated to do what it takes for your parents to stay "independent". You do what you have time to do. The rest?
" I can't possibly do that,dad. You'll have to hire someone".
By the way, if your parents are still of clear mind [no dementia], then they can do whatever they want to do. They can stay in that house forever.
Gather the sibling(s) and everyone write down what they do for Mom and Dad, and I mean everything. Now take that list and cross off half the items.... now cross off a couple more. Stick to the items remaining on the list, don't budge. If your parent ask for something not on the list, say "sorry, I cannot possibly do that". Yep, you will feel guilty. But it's a project to get one's parent to see the reality of their life. Especially if they can afford to move to Independent Living, which is around $5k per month, depending on where you live. Or your parents hire professional caregivers to come to the house to help. My own Mom refused them.
What is currently happening is that you and your sibling(s) are enabling your parents to remain in their house. Why should they move??? They have their children helping out with everything. And they don't see us being tired and overwhelmed. They see us as being in our 20's with a ton of energy.... not someone who is also aging with our own health issues.
My parents were in their 90's and still living in their house. One has to wait for a medical emergency to happen where the parent goes to the hospital via 911, then into rehab, and then into senior living. But, like I said, if your parents are of clear mind, they can go home, and one spouse will claim the other spouse can take care of them. Yep, that also happened to my parents. It wasn't until another medical emergency happened that changed everything.