They refuse to leave their home and depend on us to care for them. We need a third party to have a discussion with them because I have tried and they just get mad and yell.
LynninIowa, JoAnn29 said it perfectly, in my opinion.
I used to be one of those who always said, I will return the care my parents gave to me!! But, as time wore on, I found i simply could not do it. Being the caregiver to aging parents is NOT AT ALL THE SAME as raising children, for numerous reasons. If you don't understand that concept, just take a few minutes reading the posts by the people here who have done it for years! You will soon have your eyes opened.
They just need time to adjust. I had the same experience. We had found a lot of nursing homes or assisted living facility for our loved grandma cause we do not have time to take care of her. Finally, we sent her to Cascade Healthcare which is a care service center. At first, grandma refused to do anything, about half a month, she met a new friend, they dance and sang, she seems is happier and healthier than at home.
@LynninIowa: So you think that because your parents take care of you, that you owe it to your parents? Let's examine that scenario for a minute and consider the problem with it. Children are considerably younger than their parents. With age comes health issues, and extreme difficulties of being able to a) tolerate stubborn behaviour that comes with aging and possible dementia/Alzheimers b) UNDERSTAND that behaviour c) deal with the fact that your parents are aging and will someday die and d) **CAREGIVER BURNOUT***
Sometimes people can harbor resentment for past issues, the way they are treated by family members, and yes, even their own parents, and some people accept that they aren't the caregiver type for their parents and look to put them in long term care or at the very least, get in-home help. Why should they be patronized for that?
Amen Jo Ann! Everyone ages in their own time frame. There are seniors at 95 who are still active and living independently and there are seniors incapacitated and dying at 65. Not everyone can help their very aged parents (either mentally or physically) because they themselves are not well. I hate to admit it but, at 60, I'm more tired than I've ever been. I know I couldn't care for my mother (94 1/2 yrs. old with Alzheimer's Stage 6) at this time. I'm a nurse and am knowledgable to do the work but I need to keep working until I'm 65. I could not be a caregiver also in the 16 hours after I get home. Fortunately, she can still afford the memory care facility but her rent is increasing next month to more than what she makes on S.S. I will have to start help paying. I've had to get a new (full time) job as a visiting nurse and I'll be leaving the patient that I've been caring for (3 days a week) and the (per diem) hospice job that I've had for the last year and a half, just to help her out. I should be "winding down" at this time of life but, instead, I'm gearing up to make ends meet for my mother.
Believe me, most of us have "paid back" our parents for all the care they gave us. It's completely different caking care of Alzheimer's parents and taking care of our babies/ toddlers/children. Children grow and learn to help themselves. Dementia patients only decline and require more and more care. It's exhausting. We are not in our 20's like we were when we had our kids. We're old too! (Or should I speak for myself?) Some of us are dealing with our adult children (I'm helping my son get his bachelor's) and grandchildren. How much can one person do? You can't wear yourself out (and be no good to anyone.) We deserve a life too.
God bless the families that don't have the option of doing anything else.
The World has changed. Many parents are no longer able to care for their children. Will these children expect to care for their aging parents? I don't think so. How can they when they are working two jobs to pay their own bills. Gone are the days when the woman of the house listed "housewife" as her occupation. What should we be doing about it? I don't know the answer to that question.
Veronica, how true that is. When I was climbing through the limbs of my parent's family tree, the vast majority of U.S. Census showed the wife as being "homemaker or housewife".
Back in the family tree there were relatives who had a dozen children each, and those children [that survived] had either 6 to 12 children themselves. So a lot of hands to help out.
And even back in the 1800's there were family members who lived into their 80's and 90's which was unheard of during that time. So far I only found one death certificate that mentions dementia, and it was caused by an industrial accident with toxic fumes. Most passed from heart related issues, or farming accidents. Or if there was memory loss it wasn't noted on the certificates.
Yes, what will we do in the future. I know for myself I need to use my retirement not for travel or fun things, but to keep safe for when I need Assisted Living or nursing home, as I have no siblings and no children. I got sticker shock when I found out how expensive it was to become older :P
JoAnn29 said it perfectly, in my opinion.
I used to be one of those who always said, I will return the care my parents gave to me!! But, as time wore on, I found i simply could not do it. Being the caregiver to aging parents is NOT AT ALL THE SAME as raising children, for numerous reasons. If you don't understand that concept, just take a few minutes reading the posts by the people here who have done it for years! You will soon have your eyes opened.
By the way, I am also from Iowa. ☺
Sometimes people can harbor resentment for past issues, the way they are treated by family members, and yes, even their own parents, and some people accept that they aren't the caregiver type for their parents and look to put them in long term care or at the very least, get in-home help. Why should they be patronized for that?
Everyone ages in their own time frame. There are seniors at 95 who are still active and living independently and there are seniors incapacitated and dying at 65. Not everyone can help their very aged parents (either mentally or physically) because they themselves are not well. I hate to admit it but, at 60, I'm more tired than I've ever been. I know I couldn't care for my mother (94 1/2 yrs. old with Alzheimer's Stage 6) at this time. I'm a nurse and am knowledgable to do the work but I need to keep working until I'm 65. I could not be a caregiver also in the 16 hours after I get home. Fortunately, she can still afford the memory care facility but her rent is increasing next month to more than what she makes on S.S. I will have to start help paying. I've had to get a new (full time) job as a visiting nurse and I'll be leaving the patient that I've been caring for (3 days a week) and the (per diem) hospice job that I've had for the last year and a half, just to help her out. I should be "winding down" at this time of life but, instead, I'm gearing up to make ends meet for my mother.
Believe me, most of us have "paid back" our parents for all the care they gave us. It's completely different caking care of Alzheimer's parents and taking care of our babies/ toddlers/children. Children grow and learn to help themselves. Dementia patients only decline and require more and more care. It's exhausting. We are not in our 20's like we were when we had our kids. We're old too! (Or should I speak for myself?) Some of us are dealing with our adult children (I'm helping my son get his bachelor's) and grandchildren. How much can one person do? You can't wear yourself out (and be no good to anyone.) We deserve a life too.
God bless the families that don't have the option of doing anything else.
Back in the family tree there were relatives who had a dozen children each, and those children [that survived] had either 6 to 12 children themselves. So a lot of hands to help out.
And even back in the 1800's there were family members who lived into their 80's and 90's which was unheard of during that time. So far I only found one death certificate that mentions dementia, and it was caused by an industrial accident with toxic fumes. Most passed from heart related issues, or farming accidents. Or if there was memory loss it wasn't noted on the certificates.
Yes, what will we do in the future. I know for myself I need to use my retirement not for travel or fun things, but to keep safe for when I need Assisted Living or nursing home, as I have no siblings and no children. I got sticker shock when I found out how expensive it was to become older :P