Who do I choose my daughter & grand daughter or my mom?

Did *you* ask your sister and BIL to move from Colorado to help your mother? If no, that was their choice. If yes, they still made their own decision even though it was at your behest so you would need to be aware that feathers will be ruffled if you were to move away. That said, where do you want to live?

Do not move in with your daughter if that is their "provide a living situation" for you idea. Unless they have a completely separate in-law suite/apartment for you, I wouldn't even consider moving. It sounds to me that their plans are still too preliminary for you to make any decision.

Once they're moved, go visit them. Be realistic about the space you want and need including privacy and freedom to find people your own age, hobbies, etc. If they're expecting you to be your grandchild's babysitter, that sounds exhausting and presumptuous. Not to say you wouldn't want to help out, but that is not a sustainable child-care plan.

I would not move in with my daughter. I would move nearby. Definitely would not move right away. I would let them get settled and then see if it was the right move for me. Mom has 2 caregivers A. caregiver works Tues. Thurs. 5 hrs. , B. caregiver works Mon. Wed. for 5 hrs. Over the weekend she cooks meals to bring to mom on Monday. Mom cooks her own breakfast, showers, dresses, walks w walker. She plays domino and bingo and cards where she lives. Stage 4 Dementia
Thank you, for the responses. I appreciate them.

Your mom is living in Independent Living and she has caregivers. She is paying to live independently.
She is paying caregivers to "run to her needs" Let them!
Next time she calls say "Mom, I'm busy now let "Sophia or Maggie" help you"
If she yells and throws a temper tantrum..let her.
A side comment though with the dementia someone should be nearby to monitor her decline so that if/when she needs to move to Memory Care that decision can be made. Unless the caregivers are able to manage her through the decline and she can remain where she is or at least a move to Assisted Living so there will be more help available.
Live your life. Mom is taken care of where she is and with the help she has.

How about independence for everyone? You live in America, land of the free!

Independent living for mom, independence for your daughter and her family and of course, your own independence. All are equally important!

Best wishes to you and your family. Enjoy your precious grandchild!

Your priority list should be:

Minor children
Self
Spouse
Adult children/grandchildren
Pets
Plants
Literally anything else in the world
Your selfish, narcissistic mother.

Your mother is in IL. Let her live independently. You have absolutely no moral or legal responsibility to her. Move out with your daughter and be happy.

I agonized over a similar decision - my husband wanted to move south, my father was in assisted living in the mid-atlantic - I felt obligated to both. Add in my daughter has a special needs child and needed help in the midwest! I finally moved with my husband, we sold our family home, and then also purchased a small condo near my daughter. My dad is well taken care of in the assisted living although he thinks he's been abandoned. At some point I just did what I thought was what I needed to do - stop being at my father's beck and call and start thinking of myself and my family. It's worked well so far, not in some small measure because I have the financial resources to travel amongst everyone easily. Airlines make me able to visit my father every two weeks for a day (a very LONNGGG day - first flight out, last flight home), and I can get to my daughter quickly when she needs help. I also think it's important for her to find her help and arrangements locally and not think of me as her childcare person. I'm happy to be the emergency childcare person or the 'please give me a break" person but I was also afraid of setting up the same expectations with her as my father had - that I would always take care of things. So, my advice is to do what you want to do but try to maintain your own autonomy. Don't move in with your daughter but move nearby and know that you've arranged good care for your dad so you can leave him without guilt. I think what all of us lose in this caretaking role is any sense that we matter at all and I think I've clawed my way back to that.

For me, my oldest lives 4 doors down. My other daughter in an apt complex just up the Street. My Mom was around a big block. So that decision I never had to make. Have been babysitter and Caregiver.

I would wait until you daughter gets settled. Then visit for a week or two. Check out the cost of living and could u live on your own. I have a feeling they may want a babysitter. You may not even like where they chose to live.

If your Mom is in independent living with 2 caregivers, maybe time for Assisted Living.

Choose yourself and autonomy, independent of both your mother and your daughter, that's my opinion.

There was a running joke in my family.....where would I move next to escape my parents following me all over the country to be near me and their grandchildren? Europe? Greenland? Turned out to be the East coast which was cost prohibitive for them, fortunately.

Extended family living arrangements are not often viable for the long term. If you'd like to keep a close relationship with your daughter, the best thing may be to live apart from her as you do your mother. Help each out as you are able but live your own best life in the meantime.

Good luck

Well, I am not in favor of moving in together, either with parents or children it very seldom works out.

Your mother is in independent living, she has her needs covered, not sure why she has 2 caregivers, if she needs that much care she might need to be in AL as she is no longer independent.

The bottom line is do what you want to, we certainly cannot know what is best for you.

Why do you have to move with them immediately? Why not give it some time to cure? They might not even like where they are moving to and want to move again, then what?

All I can offer is to slow down, sit back and watch, then decide.

How about choosing yourself instead? That sounds like a much better plan to me. And your life will be much less stressful and complicated.
You've now earned the right to make your life about yourself, as your mom has had her life and your daughter is just starting hers, so please choose wisely.

I vote no no no to moving in with your daughter. I wouldn't think about even moving to live independently their vicinity at this point, IMO it would be better to agree to a several weeks visit with a finite end date. Your daughter and her husband need to establish their own new 3 person household before they consider inviting in a 4th person, and no matter how close you are living together and your role as a MIL is a whole different dynamic.
As for your mother - she is well taken care of and no matter where you eventually chose to live your sis is still available if needed.

Well, just my humble opinions, and I would bet responders will be divided on this question:
I don't know that I would move because my daughter is moving. I understand about her being your bestie, because my own daughter is mine. I absolutely love her like all get out, but her life is in another state. I fly to her twice a year, and she usually comes here at least once, and we are otherwise in touch daily. Her son, my grandson was raised by her hubby and her in that state, and still lives there.

I think our kids leave the nest and make their own lives.

I guess I would also be loathe to leave my sister as the only one when I have been HER bestie, as well. BUT she can make her own choices for her own life, and if mom has to go into care, so be it. She will have to do as she will do.

For myself this question would be ALL ABOUT ME. (I know. I know). Not about moms and sisters and daughters and grandkids. But that's how I have lived my life. So my question would be to myself. Am I wanting to move? Am I ready for that adventure and new life? Is that what I really want to do with my life now?

We can't have it both ways, tho I will say that sometimes we can have it ALMOST both ways. Airlines are a mess these days but they will get us there, and we can have a month with daughter and the grandkids, or flying opposite direction with mom and sis.

Up to you. Decide what YOU want. It's good to have two choices in life. I wish you the best and hope you will update us on yours.