I have been on this site for four years (we are in NC) and did not think I would be asking for what seems like basic advice. But all of a sudden I feel completely lost.

Mother is the last elder that my wife and I have had sole responsibility for in the last four years. The other three passed two to three years ago. Mother is definitely the hardest. I am now retired and in my sixties. I have a rare, incurable disease which affects my eyes and takes a lot of my strength.

Mother is in Independent Living (IL). She is the only elder of ours who has had anger problems.

Basically she has always been spoiled, first by her family growing up, and then by her husband. She reacts to all conflict with a tantrum, but it is worse now that she is elderly. Her anger is now usually directed at me to the point where I am afraid to be alone with her (she makes fanciful accusations which could be construed as abuse). I also have to allow others to listen in on the phone calls. She screams and fabricates for the dramatic effect to the point my wife and I cannot take it any longer.

My dear wife takes over much of the duty, but she is not equipped to handle the anger and hatred.

Until now I have made and taken her to her appointments. It is difficult because she cannot keep the times straight, and it did not work out when we tried the doctor’s ride service. Now I do not feel safe even taking her without getting a witness to go with us.

To try to keep this short I will not share all the gory problems and hateful phone calls – but she likely has dementia. She definitely has paranoia and is very narcissistic. We have taken her to the doctor about this and keep trying to get her more evaluations. She cancels appointments after we finally get a doctor to order assessments. I am not really sure what good evaluations can be anyway as they do not seem to have an action plan behind them.

We really need to turn her care over to someone else, even paid help is fine. I am health and finance POA, so I hope we have some options. The only option I can think of now is to let her fend for herself. Maybe I have made it too easy. The IL facility has said she is definitely not independent.

I have spent days looking online. I am very tech proficient, but I cannot really find what I should do. I have Doctors Making House Calls sending psych help weekly, and the psychologist feels mother needs AL. But she says to approach it slowly, although she is going to eventually involve more resources on her side.

After last night, it really needs to change, and now. Ideal would be AL and care for what they may not do, like appointments. I cannot subject my wife to this any longer, and I definitely cannot handle it. I need help myself. We really cannot do it any longer, if for nothing else but self preservation.

Thanks for reading this long post even if there is no real good solution. I really appreciate all of you.

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Bumping up.

Enderby, how horrible! I hope others have some good suggestions for you. I am so sorry about your vision issues.
Helpful Answer (0)

Call a Care Meeting at the facility. You want everyone to be there who has ever had anything to do with her. Tell them what you’ve told us, including your own health issues and your fears that some day, someone will take what she says about you seriously. Hold nothing back. Have a list of statements and questions prepared. Suggest that Mom should go right from IL to Memory Care or at least skilled nursing. Her ranting and ravings are more than a personality disorder or a learned behavior from being spoiled all her life.

Leave her to her own devices? Would you be able to do that or would it stress you out even more? If you feel this is the only way you feel you can handle it, then do it. Let the facility know what you’re doing. Hand your POA over to an elder Law Attorney who will accept it and say good riddance.
Helpful Answer (3)

Ahmijoy, that advice sounds fantastic to me. Mom's ill health and problems are regrettable, but Enderby and his wife need to stop being the innocent victims of them.
Helpful Answer (0)

Yes, Mom needs more than an AL can give. They assist and are not eqipped too handle people with Moms problems. It wouldn't be fair to the other residents who are also paying big money to live there.
Helpful Answer (1)

This helps. I have an Elder Law attorney already from the other three elders I have dealt with. I already feel better with a good escape plan.
I always wonder what would happen if we lived a thousand miles away. I need to have that meeting and prepare things as if we were not able to be here to handle things.
Thanks for the support.
Helpful Answer (1)

Try a geriatric care manager. They would check in on her as often as she needs or wants. They would assess her to see what sort of facility would be best suited for her.

I don't understand that if IL says she needs more care why they have not told you that another facility needs to be found. The GCM would also help to identify the new facility and they know the good and bad ones.
Helpful Answer (1)
enderby Jan 2019
As an IL they are not obligated to do much. Basically check once a day whether the resident is alive and call the ambulance if needed. There is not as much responsibility as an Assisted Living facility, although in this state that is also pretty minimal.
Full blown nursing homes with hospital like environments are the next step after AL. In IL, as long as the resident is not too disruptive and pays their bill, they can stay. When there is an issue the IL calls me. So, as I said, I may have helped create this situation.
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