Mike, your neighbor the nurse can't effect any change.
Have you spoken to anyone at the local Area Agency on Aging?
Have you told mom's doctor(s) or the hospital discharge planners about her living conditions?
If your mother can figure out how to order food on her own, I'd say she has the wherewithal to live on her own. If she can no longer drive, she can arrange cabs.
If she's able to do all that, it's NOT abandonment.
But do call the local AAA and APS. If mom is stubborn, there is not going to be any "convincing" her.
Yes, she may end up a ward of the state. That's what happens to stubborn people.
Yea, just what I was trying to avoid. Well, thanks alot everybody. She acts the same way in public as she does at home and she's burned bridges at "Comfort Keepers" and "Comfort Care" services so it seems this is destined to end pretty soon in an unfortunate way. Thanks for listening and the advice plus insight. Next I'll be contacting the VA so I can take care of myself.
Yes, as mentioned here Mom is Bipolar. When mom returned from the hospital I told the neighbor, her reply was "Is your mother seeing a psychiatrist?" that answer is no and I'm certain she has not in almost two years (I do all of the driving here). I gave mom her meds for over a year (that ended a while back), since then I have no idea if she's maintaining the prescriptions properly or not. I have contacted the VA about myself moving into one of their places temporarily but *Naively (it seems) wanted to stay and (Hopefully) convince her there are problems. Every decision here comes from the same person so it's not hard knowing who created them. If she's having groceries delivered and looking for a different caregiver service, my pushing out seems imminent. If I'm not around, this could lead to the Police or Hospital very fast then the state/city or whoever takes charge and their decisions are never comfortable. If I leave and it goes bad then it could look like I abandoned my mother when she needed somebody that'll listen and help the most.
I think there is longstanding bipolar without treatment here, too Barb. So it may be unclear, given she will not allow assessment, just what is happening.
So sorry you are having such a rough time with your mom. Do you have POA for her? Have you tried calling her doctor's office?
Her living conditions sounds rather disgusting, no offense. Do you clean up the mess? If so, stop. Call APS and ask them what to do. Is she a danger to herself or others? If so, maybe you can call to get her transported to the ER. Since she will not properly medicate herself, she may need to be in assisted living or a nursing home.
The POA is just nothing for me to consider speaking about. She will never do that and this is not a power grab (how she would see that), I'm not like that (she offered to give me her car and I said I wanted me, her and my sister all involved in these situations). Mom did get a POA on her mother but she was harsh on the care givers so they stopped coming and she didn't want to take care of grandma so grandma was moved into an Ombudsman's home. I do live with mom for now, she's had Sciatica surgery and since I've asked care givers, her Dr, the neighbor (nurse/PA), others if they felt mom could live alone, they all said no. Yes, I clean up all the pet mess's, do dishes, house cleaning, other stuff. The biggest stop there is she refuses to ask me to do anything so I just do it or it isn't handled. She likes the dog enough I'm really sure I'll have to leave so she doesn't have to hear about it's problems anymore (Likes the dog more than her own son if you can believe that...). Years ago she wanted a dog but grandpa said she had to ask him first, she threw a temper tantrum and got one anyway, I've heard that story many times. I believe she's putting her "Daddy Issues" on me.
Call APS. They DO make house calls, especially in a situation with dementia, hoarding and animals is going on with an Elder. If they determine she's unsafe or incompetent or both, APS will get her moved into managed care.
None of those dementia meds work anyway, the disease will continue to progress ruthlessly forward with or without them.
You want someone to help your mother, yet a person has to be deemed incompetent before being ordered into Memory Care Assisted Living.
Whoever has POA for the woman CAN place her in Memory Care Assisted Living against her will. You just have to arrange to do it properly, even if that means you lift her up bodily into the transportation vehicle. My kids have done it with their father, more than once.
Mike, you are badly in need of a wellness check. I am going to recommend a book so you can read this memoir and know that in the case of mental illness, and despite trying for MANY decades to get help for a mother, often with the auspices of the City and State of New York, this writer was unable ultimately to help her mother in any way. The book is Never Simple and the author is Liz Scheier. Now, the truth is that not everything can be fixed. You are dealing with a stubborn hoarder who is mentally ill. There are almost never cases before the court where guardianship is given to family because a person is mentally ill. The law is loath to take the rights of a citizen away from them and almost never does for mental health issues. A court case would see an attorney appointed to protect her rights and a case where the elder fights it can run to the 10s, of thousands. I don't think you would win. And I think you would be fairly helpless to get her places if you DID win. I don't know many facilities that would be able to serve her. You say you have tried APS. You must keep trying and you must ask for a welfare check. If the home can be condemned you are more likely to find social workers to speak to a judge and get you temporary guardianship. If you cannot get APS visit your local police, firefighters, sheriffs. You will have to persist until the end when you may come flat up against the brick wall of our own limitations to deal with someone mentally ill, perhaps demented. The other thing you can attempt is basically a break in and call ems and have her transported to ER where you will have to do the ER dump. You will have to basically lie, cheat and steal on this one and it is a desperate move, but it may get her assess and may get the hospital social workers to get you temporary guardianship and placement after assessment if she shows positive for dementia. This is a tough one Mike. You may have to understand that once you have done everything you have come to the end of the line, where despite your good intentions you have done what you can, and the end will be what the end is. Either collapse and death or collapse in which she is found and hospitalizated. Mike, I am truly sorry. I sure hope you will keep us updated.
Mike; sadly, like many other folks here, you may well be waiting for the fall/illness/situation that causes your mom to end up in the hospital.
Once she's there, you DON'T pick her up or enable her to return home. You talk to discharge planning about her home situation and tell them that she has no help at home, is mentally ill and incapable of managing her hoarded home.
Have you called Adult Protective Services and reported her as a vulnerable adult?
I have researched APS but their only contact is by phone, she controls that; won't even tell me when my sister (her daughter) calls (hasn't in nearly 2 years). I really wish I could find an organization that I can discuss this with and possibly come to the house, look around, ask questions and assess the situation (she has hoarding issues, dog and now cat mess on floor). Considering the delivered groceries and earlier "R & A Home Health" called here (Care Giver svc) I believe I see where this is going. There is a nurse that lives next door that has mentioned the dog and house problems but usually refuses to get involved. It really seems there is no help at all, just let this get worse and worse.
Mike, Contact about what? This isn't a registry that lists doctors and lawyers. Just a Forum of folks giving elder care within their own families for the most part. There are sponsors of the site and you will see their ads on the right side of the page, and can click on them if you wish for. Can you tell us what you are looking for? For MDs, Care Facilities and attorneys you are basically down for your own internet advertisements and listings in your own area. Welcome to Forum.
She refuses to speak even one word (almost a week) and this morning she's had grocery's *Delivered instead of us shopping like normal. All of this from a dog she's bought that has sparked many problems (biting, attacking cats, not house trained, etc). Talking to her has never been an option as she's never admitted anything was her mistake and since the Care Givers refuses to send anybody here (not first time) because of her anger issues. Nobody is allowed to speak about the dog much less any disparaging comments. I know she's Bi-Polar and hasn't seen a Psychiatrist in almost 2 years. Dementia pills, Mood Stabilizer pills, Forgetfulness pills and Anti Depressants I know she doesn't take as often as needed. There's no stability or "Common Ground" with her. I'm the last person she hasn't pushed away but I think I'm soon to be history as well. Talking to her is definitely not an option (never was).
Have you spoken to anyone at the local Area Agency on Aging?
Have you told mom's doctor(s) or the hospital discharge planners about her living conditions?
If your mother can figure out how to order food on her own, I'd say she has the wherewithal to live on her own. If she can no longer drive, she can arrange cabs.
If she's able to do all that, it's NOT abandonment.
But do call the local AAA and APS. If mom is stubborn, there is not going to be any "convincing" her.
Yes, she may end up a ward of the state. That's what happens to stubborn people.
If that is so, you need to forget about logic, reasoning, and psych 101 stuff like "daddy issues".
Mom is unsafe to live alone. If she has mental health issues in addition to dementia, your being there may actually prevent her from getting help.
Leave. Call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult.
Her living conditions sounds rather disgusting, no offense. Do you clean up the mess? If so, stop. Call APS and ask them what to do. Is she a danger to herself or others? If so, maybe you can call to get her transported to the ER. Since she will not properly medicate herself, she may need to be in assisted living or a nursing home.
None of those dementia meds work anyway, the disease will continue to progress ruthlessly forward with or without them.
You want someone to help your mother, yet a person has to be deemed incompetent before being ordered into Memory Care Assisted Living.
Whoever has POA for the woman CAN place her in Memory Care Assisted Living against her will. You just have to arrange to do it properly, even if that means you lift her up bodily into the transportation vehicle. My kids have done it with their father, more than once.
Good luck to you
Have you called your local Area Agency on Aging?
Do you live with mom? If so, why?
Now, the truth is that not everything can be fixed. You are dealing with a stubborn hoarder who is mentally ill. There are almost never cases before the court where guardianship is given to family because a person is mentally ill. The law is loath to take the rights of a citizen away from them and almost never does for mental health issues. A court case would see an attorney appointed to protect her rights and a case where the elder fights it can run to the 10s, of thousands. I don't think you would win. And I think you would be fairly helpless to get her places if you DID win. I don't know many facilities that would be able to serve her.
You say you have tried APS. You must keep trying and you must ask for a welfare check. If the home can be condemned you are more likely to find social workers to speak to a judge and get you temporary guardianship. If you cannot get APS visit your local police, firefighters, sheriffs. You will have to persist until the end when you may come flat up against the brick wall of our own limitations to deal with someone mentally ill, perhaps demented.
The other thing you can attempt is basically a break in and call ems and have her transported to ER where you will have to do the ER dump. You will have to basically lie, cheat and steal on this one and it is a desperate move, but it may get her assess and may get the hospital social workers to get you temporary guardianship and placement after assessment if she shows positive for dementia.
This is a tough one Mike. You may have to understand that once you have done everything you have come to the end of the line, where despite your good intentions you have done what you can, and the end will be what the end is. Either collapse and death or collapse in which she is found and hospitalizated.
Mike, I am truly sorry. I sure hope you will keep us updated.
Do you have a phone?
Once she's there, you DON'T pick her up or enable her to return home. You talk to discharge planning about her home situation and tell them that she has no help at home, is mentally ill and incapable of managing her hoarded home.
Have you called Adult Protective Services and reported her as a vulnerable adult?
Are you mom's Power of attorney?
Have you spoken to her doctor about your concerns about her mental health?
Can you tell us what you are looking for? For MDs, Care Facilities and attorneys you are basically down for your own internet advertisements and listings in your own area.
Welcome to Forum.