Follow
Share

My mother lives with my sis, in a trailer, sis is a border line hoarder, can't walk into 2 out of 3 bedrooms, can't sit at table to eat, can hardly fit walker through the place. When I tried to get someone to come out and evaluate the place / adult protection services, they said because mom is cognitive there is nothing I can do, other than go and clean up the house to make it safe. Sis won't let anyone touch anything, she has cameras everywhere to see what people are doing in her house. Sis also badgers mom until mom goes along with whatever sis wants. Sad situation & I don't know how to help. It is not possible for mom to live with me. I don't have room and work all day - no one will be home with her and she is a fall risk.

Find Care & Housing
Oh midkidleft, you are in a difficult position.

Oobviously you and your other sibling needs to intervene. Since a neighbor heard verbal abuse would they be willing to call APS and report that they believe, based on over hearing, that a vulnerable senior citizen is being abused? This can carry loads more influence, as it is not a family conflict issue.

When you called did they even investigate? I would report again, I was told the more complaints the more likely action will be taken.

Beg anyone who has witnessed anything or has concerns for your mum to please be her voice and file an anonymous report with APS.

Let them know that vulnerable people can easily be controlled as they are fearful and it is the right thing to do. If everyone doesn't help protect our vulnerable citizens they are at higher risk of abuse, exploitation and death.

I pray that you can get your mom into a facility that will help her have some quality for the rest of her life.

Stay strong and fight on! It may be hard and long but you can win this unfortunate battle you have on your hands.

Hugs to you for caring enough to stand in the gap for your mom. You are in my prayers.🙏
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

If police were called and they could talk to mom without sis in the room, would mom be willing to attest to the fact that sis is abusing and neglecting her? Like would she tell them stuff like sis won't clean her after she uses the bathroom, clutters up the house, yells at her, spends all her money, etc.?

It would make it easier if she herself would talk to police/an attorney. Most attorneys do free consultations, and some do take payments. You might even try calling her Area Agency on Aging to come out and do a needs assessment. I think they are mandated reporters if they feel that she is in an unsafe and unsanitary environment and/or is being exploited.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to FrazzledMama
Report

As the Child of a Hoarder, I know that there is practically nothing you can do to change your sister and there is just about no help available through CPS, the fire dept, or the building code enforcement people. CPS has said that if mom has not been deemed incompetent, then nothing can be done. That has two prongs:

If mom is competent, then you can haul her down to an atty while sister is gone and get a *Durable* POA - works even after she's incompetent. If she's obviously incompetent, an atty won't allow her to sign for a POA. A new POA revokes old POAs.

If mom turns out to be incompetent according to the atty, you can file for guardianship of mthr but will need doctor to back you up. You would need photos of the living conditions where she is now so sneak those in when you visit. This will be hard fought where the sister is draining the mom's account of money.

If a doctor says mom is incompetent and needs to get out of that living situation, you would be able to file for emergency guardianship and have an immediate hearing.

Here's the catch: if your sister has been draining the account, Medicaid may not be able to help you if the drainage is deemed a gift since you don't have receipts to back up the charges to her account. You would likely need to pay for any care home out of pocket. That would mean keeping her at your house.

You have said that your mom is not happy at your house because of her fear of cats. If you are serious about rescuing your mom to your house, a person with far more value than feral cats, then you need to move the cats away to prepare for your mom. If your other sister wants to keep mom, then she needs to be the one getting the POA and you can help her. Make your choices starting with who keeps mom for the long term.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to surprise
Report

Oldest sis is a horrible human being, that's for sure, to siphon money out of mom's account for her own use. That deserves legal action because it is considered "elder abuse" to do that.

You may need to fine an attorney who will permit you to make monthly installments on the legal fees.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to dragonflower
Report

I don’t blame you for being concerned for Mom’s safety. If Hoarder Sis yells, does she hit as well? Mom wouldn’t say anything if she did. Can you secretly video Sis’s behavior, or even video the living conditions and show APS. Mom is definitely being neglected if she can’t even wipe herself and she’s being left alone. Sis is also stealing from Mom. When you have POA, you have to show that any money you spend is for the person you are POA for. Does Sis knkw that? POA is not free money. If you can prove Mom was not competent when she signed, yiu can have the POA revoked.

There are things you can do. An attorney would help.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report

How does mom feel about living some place else?

If she is mentally competent you may have no choice.

If she is doing well and doesn't mind the mess, is it really in her best interest to intervene?

You can't take her, what is your plan for her?

Living in a mess with someone you love and does take care of you, beats the hell out of a Nursing home.

If APS checked it out, why are you unhappy with the decision they made?

Im not trying to hard nose you, I just think that questions should be asked, motivates evaluated before an elder is forced to do anything.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report
middlekidleft2 Aug 18, 2018
It's ok, you made some valid points, sis does tend to mum's needs, but she is overbearing and controlling, does all the talking for mum if someone asks a question, mum doesn't like conflict so she is easily manipulated as to avoid an argument.ex. "Mom! I made XX for breakfast and you don't even like it - Maybe Next time I will just give you a cold sandwich!", then mum will eat some of what's put in front of her and then go hungry or sneak and eat snacks. When anyone is around sis acts like everything is fine ex. "Oh you don't want eggs for breakfast / I'll make you something else - What do you want?" (A friend of mum's was walking up the ramp to visit and over heard her yelling at mum, as soon as sis realized someone was standing at the door she changed her tone). / I can not provide the level of care mum needs, but neither can sis - mum is left 8 -10 hrs. by herself and can't even wipe herself after toileting, so if she has a bm at night she can take the diaper off and toss it in the direction of the trash but can not clean herself and will lay back in bed dirty. My biggest concern is fire, mum uses a walker and shuffles really slow to get from the bedroom to the livingroom / in the trailer it's not that far - maybe 15 steps, but if a fire breaks out there is no way she's going to be able to get to the door, unlock it, manage to get her walker out and get down the ramp. I don't think she would even make it out of the bedroom. I just feel so bad that mum is being treated this way, she needs 24/7 care,
(0)
Report
I know that in many areas fire officials are very concerned about homes like that, especially when an elder who couldn't easily get out in an emergency is living there.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to cwillie
Report
middlekidleft2 Aug 18, 2018
My oldest sis is trying to get someone to look at the place, maybe they can help. it's just a frustrating situation.
(0)
Report
I’m not sure why APS would tell you that. I wasn’t aware that an adult had to be incompetent before they would investigate. It’s obvious from what you’ve said that this is not a safe situation for your mother and she can be considered at risk. Hoarders usually have mental issues and it certainly sounds like your sister does.

There is a risk of fire and insect and vermin infestation in these situations. If Mom is eating spoiled food, that puts her even more at risk. If your sister feels she has to have security cameras all over to make sure no one messes with her hoard, that just reinforces the idea she’s got mental issues

Who has Power of Attorney for your mother? If no one does, it’s time to go see an attorney with her and get it. Then you can remove Mom from that situation. Even if you can’t take her long term, have her stay with you while you make other living arrangements. Get a Home Health Akde to come in while you’re at work, or have her stay with another family member. Ask the attorney to help you file for Medicaid if you need to.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
middlekidleft2 Aug 18, 2018
My oldest sis had POA, we just found out hoarder sis drove mum down and changed the POA to herself, she also has been using mum's debit card to access all of mums SS, as in the $ goes in automatically and within a week or two there's nothing left, mum doesn't go anywhere or do anything except sit in a chair and do puzzle books, It's a messy situation & none of us have the $$ to hire a attorney, / sis wont let anyone in the house if she's not there and even if / when a home nurse stops in she makes it very uncomfortable and the leave as soon as they can. unfortunately mum does not want to come to my house - I have animals (I rescue feral cats) and she doesn't like them, they scare her / even if I lock them in a different room she gets anxious thinking they may get out, last time she was at my house (Christmas time) she had an anxiety attack because the cat was outside looking in the window at her - I had to go out and shoo the cat away from the window. I don't want to stress her. I'm just concerned for her safety.
(0)
Report