Which is better, care provided in a facility or in-home care?

I hope I can make sense of what I want to add. My Mom is receiving excellent professional care in a dementia facility and I spend several hours a day with her. She is bathed, dressed, groomed, changed and has 3 healthy meals and snacks prepared daily. Still her illness is causing her skin to breakdown and she is becoming emaciated as she nears end-of-life. I feel comfort knowing this is not my or anyone else's fault and that she is cared for 24/7.

My husband has alz and is in memory care facility a month now. I miss him so, and he asks me every day if he can come home now. He cannot come home because he was behaving badly and it is unsafe for us both. He is safe in the facility, the food is ok, but they don't have enough help. It breaks my heart to see that they don't take care of him like I want them to, but nobody will take care of him like I did. so I guess I am stuck. the facility is 34 miles away and I go almost every day but it is wearing me down too so I am thinking about every other day eventho I need to be there every day. People tell me that most places are the same; not enough help and other problems.

Just an update. My husband is adjusting the the facility and seems to really be enjoying it. He is participating in the activities and seems much more alert and present he no longer complains when I take him and drop him off. On the days he is home, he sleeps all day. Resting up I guess! It's not always easy getting him in and out of the car but it's worth it. He even helped bake cookies today. He has NEVER set foot in a kitchen.

Jazzy2, glad the day program is a win for you & your husband. Maybe eventually increase the days if you are able. Don't worry about the negativity, that happens with any change in their routine. See if the program offers a bus service or if there is one around you that specializes in disabled & memory impairments. His insurance may even cover it. I have concerns with getting my brother in & out of the car, a negative scene usually develops, the bus service is well worth the extra $. The comradeship personnel provide is amazing! Stay strong & focused, Good Luck! BLessings🌸

I am agonizing over this decision right now. My mom has lived with me for 4 years already. Mild dementia, but I was able to work and she was very independent within the home. I do all cooking/cleaning/laundry, but she could fix herself breakfast and lunch.

Well, she got sick (UTI) and was in hospital. After that stay, she went to rehab. She has declined cognitively. She now can't remember the simplest steps to accomplish a task like getting dressed, going to the bathroom (almost completely incontinent now), or even eating meals. So I am currently her full-time caregiver.

I need to be working, but husband doesn't want strangers in our home when we aren't here. (Legitimate reasons relating to his business.) He also thinks it's too much for me to take care of her. I do have to change her every 2 hours, get her up standing or pushing the walker every hour or so to prevent too much pressure from sitting, etc. This is only week two. I see the benefit to never looking further ahead than the next hour.

My problem with putting her in somewhere (SNF or memory care) is guilt. She cried and wanted out of the rehab/nursing facility every day she was there, even though it was basically a decent place. I'm concerned with the eventual medicaid lookback (5 years) since she probably only has funds for 2 years of care if we can get her house cleaned out and sold.

I'm also angry that my siblings say sorry, let us know what we can do - while at the same time, not being willing to even take mom for a day or weekend during the past 4 years. They don't care if I put her in a nursing home. This doesn't affect them either way.

After reading all the responses here, I'm going to look into day care and/or in home care for a few hours a week so I can leave the house and get groceries and do errands.

My wish for everyone is a good night's sleep. That is what I crave the most!

Dejavu
You're a hero
None of this easy and having mom in a facility will present its own challenges too but if you can't get good help at home you may need to place mom

Broke my heart last night when my mom started crying when I put her to bed since she knows that is when I leave

May I ask if your mom's house has been empty the past 4 years while she's been with you ?

for mi I think in home care is better, when mi mother was a live I use to have 3 care givers, righ I only have 2 for my dad. one in the week days, and one for the weekends.but I am on top of everything, my dad live with me.

No perfect answer. Depends on the family's position to be able to help. My friend's mother fell at home and was hospitalized then placed in a long term care facility and she fell at the facility and was hurt there, too. We expect more from a facility because they are being paid dearly to watch over our family member but the facilities can't be with all the patients at all times. My friend and her siblings all live out of town so the best place is at a facility where someone is more likely to be there to help. I was lucky that I was able to keep my mom at home and I had a neighbor who would look after her while I went to work part-time.

There are so many factors and what is right for one person is wrong for another. With my dad, he wanted to stay home. I wanted to honor that wish, but I feel like it took a toll. I failed to realize what that meant and how much I would have to take on. I tried. But since he passed, I really question myself and think maybe he would still be alive if I let him stay in a facility. I will never know.

With my grandmother, her 7 kids all agreed at 92 she needed to move to a facility. 2 years later she is still alive and adjusting. One just never knows. I wonder what will happen to me when that day comes when I can't stay in my own home.

I will admit I go up & down on what is better. But I also feel it's an individual's call on the choice & it can't be forced. It's probably a peace of mind thing for us caregivers.

As a caregiver to my brother with ALZ it has been a roller coaster ride. Professionals were right, his self & behavior, especially with me, would not get better or change. This saddens me because I am concerned what will happen when the "when time" is a necessity.

I have been "it" for caregiving, behavior a concern. I am always seeking & trying the right approach to assist him. I may have to use a new tactic or fib to do for him what he is now unable to do. His care takes time, patience & "an on the ball" mentality. It can be frustrating & stressful. I do realize a bad day or moment is not always his fault or anyone's. ALZ is an unpredictable disease.


I've witnessed that consistency, routine & structure work. A facility, a day program strives for that & it's hard to duplicate at home. It takes a team approach & yes, a finely tuned one all the better. I don't know if an inconsistency of assistance & people is fair to anyone.

I am starting to understand the reality of it all though & maybe that's the way it should be. It's about us, the caregivers as well. We have to care about ourselves. Trust our decisions & reasonings.

Blessings 🌸