Hello. My mother is 72 years old and she has been drinking (alcoholic) for the last 40 years and smokes marijuana for many years. She’s lived with my family and I for the past five years. She and I don’t have a very great relationship and she’s verbally combative towards me, manipulative and just thinks that even though she lives in my house she doesn’t need to follow my rules. She was recently in the hospital for something unrelated to drinking, but drinking for so many years didn’t help. She was told she needs to stop drinking so heavily (five 16oz cans of beer a day). I told her if she still wants to live with us she needs to stop drinking, make me a manager of her health care and she’s not allowed to get a dog for the next few months (her dog just passed) because she needs to focus on her health and getting better. She was fine with all but the dog part and started yelling at me “we will see about that” and “you and your rules” and “you don’t know anything, you think you have all the answers”. She barely showers anymore (once a week) she stinks, she’s not eating, she’s weak and frail. She couldn’t take care of her animals well before. Part of me is wondering if it’s a beginning dementia thing. But here’s the thing...I’m so exhausted taking care of her I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want her around my kids anymore. I’m depressed when she’s around. She’s on Medicare and social security. She threatens to move out and do section 8 housing and I said if that’s what you want and she said “no it’s not but you’re pushing me out! I have no choice!” But I don’t think she can take care of herself. I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to just kick her out. I want to help her find a place but I can’t pay for it. Any suggestions? I live in California.
Do you see what I mean when I say her brain is fried?
"Did someone tell you that mom?". "Why do you think that is so, mom?"
She need a case manager. Have you called the local Area Agency on Aging to get her that?
If not, yes, you need to call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult.
Call the local Area Agency on Aging and get her into their "case management" system. She needs a social worker who can help her figure out what benefits she qualifies for and how to access them.
Get yourself to AlAnon.
So far she won't do this. Or is it she CAN'T do this? (Many long term drinkers have short term memory, processing & reasoning problems).
Her *real world* options do not include 1. Your home 2. Section 8, as not available yet. 3. Hotel - too $$$.
What does this leave her?
She says her car. Maybe to be manipulative? Or maybe she really has no clue?
She will benefit from a Professional looking into her case & locating her real world options. Laying them out nice & simple. XYZ or homeless. A needs assessment should be part of this. A cognitive assessment may be too.
Have I mentioned *real world*? Coz many times folk want some kind of magic... want their kids/other family to provide all, pay for all, like a magic doll's house with free food & amenities. They wish to live in the magic doll's house. Drink, smoke, watch tv, enjoy their hobbies. Zero responsibilities. Live like a 5yr old if left home alone, eating cookies all day till they run out. Then cry for more.
Colorlessmoods, have you moved yet?
So currently I have two homes. The one she lives in is in Oregon. My other home is in Cali and that’s where I am now. But my home in Cali is being renovated so I’m not in that home yet. I don’t think it’s going to be ready when I thought it was, so My family and I will be moving into our back house once that is done being renovated (it’s about two weeks from being finished). So once our house in Oregon sells, I literally won’t have a place for her to go to. She used to live in our back house in California before we all moved to Oregon for an year. Now we are coming back. How do I convince her that she needs to take one of these two options? She can’t live in her car. Not in California, not in Louisiana. It’s too cold. She gets cold when it’s 80 degrees inside, not even joking. I’m just so stressed out. I really don’t know who to ask for help.
I'm especially sorry to think this might be so because it leaves you with bleak prospects. Alcoholics escape their reality by drinking, and it is astonishing how much reality they can ignore. It's the people who love them who endure the misery of the journey.
If she stays with you and you take responsibility for her wellbeing you will be volunteering for a hellish mission. This job is better done by people who are not emotionally attached to the person in need of support. You don't sound hard-hearted enough to survive it.
Are you an only child?
What kind of caregiving does she need?
It will not solve her problems OR YOURS but it may give you a useful reboot in perspective when dealing with an aging alcoholic.
IF (BIG IF) she is cognitively intact you may decide to HELP HER WITHOUT HAVING HER.
Research what Section 8 housing is available in your community it’s and what services would be available to he ON SIGHT (services may vary some). There may be OTHER subsidized housing available to her, and finding other alternatives will empower YOU in deciding what YOU will want to do to increase your ability to distance yourself enough to clarify what will be best for you both.
Once she is out from under your roof she will have access to diagnostic services that will again, HELP YOU decide how to proceed with managing her situation.
If she is accepted for Section 8 housing you are correct in assuming that she will probably not be successful, but both of you will have more clarity about the difficulties with you current living situations.
You are being better to her than you are being to yourself, and that means that YOU have to figure out a loving and compassionate BUT OBJECTIVE WAY to SHIFT THE BALANCE. Best of luck doing so.
If you support her goal of independence & encourage her, maybe she will do just fine.
"But I don’t think she can take care of herself". Fair enough. You know her well.
If not, well.. as CountryMouse says, living on her own may actually gain her access to more services. Lots & lots of services (ie NOT you!) #win/win
Of course she may be the 'lock 'em all out' type, have a drink too many & a possible new untrained dog... if so, it will be a problem - but - not in your home. #win/win/win ?
What's wrong with her idea of affordable housing? I know from work that older people (your mother isn't that old, but she's over retirement age) who live alone tend to get more and better input from health and social care agencies than people who live with family (especially daughters, especially those with demonstrable caregiving skills e.g. mothers of children). Your mother will be fine, and with encouragement, praise and support she will also have the opportunity to regain her independence and self-respect.
This is a chance to end the stress and conflict for all of you. I should grab it with both hands!
Why did she move in with you originally? What happened when she was in her mid to late sixties?
Let her go. She is responsible for her own well being. Sad, but there isn't anything you can or should do. It's up to her to want help, seek help and accept help.
Speak to a social worker that may be able to help guide you about her health care issues. Also call Council on Aging in your area.
I would ask her to move out. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking this is for you. I’m so sorry that you are in this situation.
Best wishes to you.
Good Luck