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I'm 25 years old and I lived with my dad, 66 yrs old and grandmother, 89 yrs old. In Nov. my dad passed away and now I'm left to care for my ailing grandma. My healthy dad was her caregiver and he had a lot of stress; one day he went to the emergency and suffered a massive heart attack and I believe it was the stress from caregiving. I'm afraid my health will decline caring for my grandma. I had to put my physical therapy board exam on hold because of everything that has happened. I want to go back to studying so I can start working but my grandma takes up too much of my time. She has memory issues, becomes verbally abusive, needs help to dress, eat and other ADL's. I don't get good quality sleep and have lost weight without even trying. I know the easiest solution is to just send her to a nursing home but deep down inside it hurts to do that to her. I just feel heart broken about my dad and with everything that goes into someone's passing that I just can't continue doing this. I'm not married yet (just recently ended a relationship as well) and don't have any children, I just graduated and have my whole life ahead so I don't want to be bound to staying at home caring for grandma. Any kind words will help during this stressful time.

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Hi Nana2: Glad to see you are in the conversation. Your comment was helpful to me also.
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Jeannegibbs is right on the target....I agree with her wholeheartedly. I don't have grandaughters, but I do have 5 grandsons, and there is NO way that if I were to have a stroke, etc. that I would want any one of them to take me into their home and care for me. I would have lived my life and I would want the same for them. The same goes for my children too...no moving in for me. As my wise Mother (God rest her Soul) used to say, "A third wheel always upsets the apple cart", and, you know what....that is what happens when two families live in the same house and the third party is left to do the caregiving. As I get older, I think of these words and realize more and more what she meant. It hurts to place a loved one in a NH, I know, because I ended up having to place my husband in Long Term because of his Alzheimers, but do I regret doing so? No...because it is something that kept me healthy to enjoy our children and grandsons and it is something that he would have wanted for me to do as it was bearing on my health. We all visited him right up until the day he passed away (a month ago today), and we had good visits. I miss him like crazy, but I know I did the right thing for him and he got the best of treatment. So, Daddylovesme, explore the options of NH's, Respite Care or just the help of friends, but don't give up your life or put it on hold until you are too old yourself to have a life.....your grandmother or your father would not want that for you. Best of luck and much caring from me to you.
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Here is a link you can cut and paste. It is specifically about grandchildren caring for their grandparents. Jennegibbs took more time to emphasize the importance of staying in touch with your GM. I agree completely.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/grandchildren-caring-for-their-grandparents-149490.htm
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Do not abandon your dear grandmother. It would gnaw at you and never give you peace. That would be as much stress as you are in now. Continue to love, care gor, and advocate for this person who has been part of your life for so long.

BUT ...

That doesn't mean the only way or the best way to do this is to care for her at home. Having her in a clean safe place with around-the-clock professionals availale to see to her daily needs frees you up to focus on her emotional needs and on your relationship. with her. You could stop in every day and share your life with her -- and you'd really have a life to share. You could tell her that you are worried about an upcoming test. Then tell her how the test went. You could tell her about a guy who seems interested in you, and ask her about her dating years. You can share your daily life. You can also keep an eye on what is going on in the nursing home and see that she gets the care she needs. She will have other people to interact with, if she cares to. Have breakfast with her once a week. Take her out to lunch. Having her in a NH may be the "easiest" solution, but do not think it is "easy." It still requires your attention and time. It jut isn't the sum total of your life.

I have 3 granddaughters your age. If I had, say, a stroke tomorrow and could no longer live independently, would I want one of them to move in with me and spend her life taking care of me for fou or five years? Good gawd, no way! This is their time to build foundations for their own lives. To finish their formal education, to get started in careers, to try out relationshps and discover one to last a lifetime. Stay home with gramma? No way would I want that for my dear granddaughters. I'd be heartbroken if they simply wrote me out of their lives, but I wouldn't want to be the centerpiece of their daily activity. Your grandmother may no longer be fully in her right mind, but if she were, I'll bet the legacy she'd want to leave is a healthy, active, production granddaughter, on her way to establishing a good foundation for her life.

Lizard is right. You need to find out what options are available for Grandmother.

Good luck to you!
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Daddylovesme: Get your Grandmother into a decent nursing home and get on with your life. I've no doubt that is what your father would be saying to you right now. I would certainly be saying it to my daughter. I don't mean to sound heartless where your Grandma is concerned, but you have the loss of your father to grieve and you need the emotional space to do it. Your Grandmother has her own set of needs and her care is extensive. If you place your GM, make time to visit her. You might also benefit from joining a grief group or getting some counseling during this difficult time. Lots of love to you and stay in touch.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I agree that maybe it is too much caring for your grandma. There is help available. Contact your states Medicaid dept. Maybe she is eligible for in home services. That way you could keep her at home but take some pressure of you. Best of luck to you. I am also greiving, i lost my mom a. month and a half ago. It is so hard. Big hugs to you!
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