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What if being around my mentally ill dad (74) makes me mad? Because of all the lies, deceitfulness and manipulation. Sometimes he's so obvious. Like being jealous of me, his daughter, for having a successful life. Why should I feel sorry for him? He made very poor choices in his life! Repeatedly!!!! Why should I feel guilty because my hubby and I are successful? I can be talking about someone and out of the blue he will say "they sure have a lot of money" in the most morose tone of voice. What is this about? Is this supposed to make me feel guilty? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?


He actually has a decent retirement, yet he pisses it away to all of these religious organizations. You can't just give money to any and every organization! You have to be careful and research where your money is going.


I feel cheated. Cheated because I didn't have a father. He was too busy making life hell for me, my brother and mom. He was/is a religious NUT. Like he won't eat a ham at Christmas because he thinks he's Jewish. (No harm meant for anyone's sincere beliefs). I couldn't even listen to the RADIO growing up because all music was from the devil. He "faked" having a heart attack and "dying" in a chair in the living room. My brother and I rushed to his side trying to wake him up. He did wake up...yep and LAUGHED. I cannot begin to describe how manipulative he is! You don't have time to hear it all, and believe me, he has done so much!!! Is it so bad to say I really don't like my dad? Is that ok to say? I sometimes feel RAGE towards him. I'm so angry I'm the one dealing with this. I don't want this!!!!


Ive always been jealous of my friends and their relationships with their dad's. I can NEVER explain my situation, they wouldn't understand why I really don't want to spend time with my dad.


I feel a certain duty as no one in his family wants anything to do with him! Not even his own sister.


My parents divorced nearly 25 years ago. And my brother lives many states away!


Anyway, he's in another mental health facility. This seems like the best one yet. The case worker seemed so nice. She said he would be there at least 2 weeks and after that home health care. I told her that he couldn't live with me.


Anyway, I went to see him yesterday and I was actually ok and felt sincere about most everything until I told him that I was worried that he almost died. (He had stopped eating and drinking. We had been to 3 emergency rooms, ICU and another mental health facility since Feb 23rd.) As soon as I said that he said "WHEN" like tell me the exact time you thought I was gonna die. His whole demeanor changed. I can't deal with that! It's like a switch flipped. Oh, he also wrote a letter to God. Then on the back, responded as if he were God. It was postmarked from NC, another whole state away.What the heck? That is SO CRAZY. The postmark was during his stay in ICU!! !(I've been checking his mail and keeping up with his bills with his checking account) Did someone mail it for him???


I'm so SICK of crazy. I want peace in my life. If you are a praying person, please pray for me.

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BP,

I wish it was different for you. I feel your pain. You have suffered greatly and know it will not go away. We all know that we do not have the power to change others. You do have the power not to tolerate any more of his craziness. You made good choices in your life and are reaping the rewards. Good for you! You have no reason to feel guilty. You earned your success.

I have an issue with religious fanatics too. Ever notice some who claim to know God so well are the ones that are the most judgmental? Gets annoying!

I am proud of you for recognizing that he isn't balanced. So many people make excuses for mentally disturbed people and feel like they have to support them even if it isn't logical. There very well may be reasons for why they are as they are but you don't need to excuse their behavior and bow down to them just because you are related to them. Take care and I hope soon there will be days filled with sunshine and laughter for you.

This group does help. Sometimes we need confirmation.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Hi, BP. Welcome. And yes, a lot of us do understand growing up with crazy! For me, it was mom. I don't feel guilty saying thank God she died before any of us had to take on the job of taking care of her, poor sick soul. I do feel *sad* that I feel that way, but guilty .... no. I'm glad you're feeling better and are starting to realize you're not crazy and you're not evil for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are just your feelings; you're entitled to them and nobody here is going to judge you for them.

It's a wonderful, empowering thing when you start to realize you're in charge of your own emotions and your parent can't "make" you feel anything unless you allow it. Sometimes, you can just decide you are not in the market for baloney that day. So don't buy his! It takes practice and determination, but it can be done. And I will pray that you receive courage, strength, peace and joy.
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Reply to DesertGrl53
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Hi! He sounds on the same ‘awful’ spectrum as my own father. Thank God (of any type, and doesn’t need any donations, thanks) that my mother walked out on him when I was 5, sisters 8 and 2. It was a tough childhood, and he still managed to cause a lot of trouble until he finally died (and I doubt if he met God thereafter). But he wasn’t in the house.

My sisters and I provided each other with a lot of support in later years. You may not have shared your feelings with your siblings and other relations. Perhaps you feel that this would be a betrayal, as you know already that they loathe the guy. It might be worth changing your approach – a shared gossip/ hate session might do you a lot of good, and stop you feeling that you are so alone with the problem. I was the one who still kept in contact with my own father, probably from the same sort of feelings that you have. I can tell you with hindsight that it achieved nothing, except perhaps to reassure me that I had behaved according to my own standards.

Once you know that your father is safe, put yourself next on the list of things to prop up. Best wishes.
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Bipolardad741 Mar 25, 2019
Thank you Margaret. I can tell, from the support and understanding I have received here, I have had the best weekend I’ve had in a long time. The stress has melted away. Yes, I have those “standards of behavior “ that you speak of. And I appreciate you sharing your hindsight. That is so good to know. I think my mantra now is “I can’t fix crazy” and I cannot let it ruin my mental health. My brother and I do talk about it and there is just nothing to do. I made sure he has healthcare but I will no longer be moved by his antics.
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Update us. We learn from each other.
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Bipolardad741 Mar 24, 2019
Thanks JoAnn29. It just feels good to get this stuff out after so many years trying to deal with this. I will keep updating. This weekend has been the most restful so far thanks to this group.
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I agree with everyone. You owe this man nothing. You need to make sure the SW understands that Dad needs to be released to a safe place and it won't be to your home. That you understand that he is mentally ill and your r not equipped to care for him. That if he needs a guardian, the state needs to obtain it. That you will not take on that job. I know a woman who is trying to get the state to revoke her guardianship over a disabled cousin because of her health and she is close to 80. State won't do it. Best thing, not to even start it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Bloody hell. You poor kid.

I will happily pray for you, believing that a blessing is a blessing wherever it comes from; but I couldn't agree more strongly than I do with the suggestion that you get help with protecting yourself in this impossible situation.

I would like to think that one day you will be able to comprehend your father, and feel compassion for him as a sick man, while at the same recognising that AS a father - well, let's just say you got a raw deal. You are allowed to feel angry about that. It is okay to hate that you never got what you needed.

Don't make sacrifices that cost you too much and don't make enough difference to him. If you visit, for example, he may like the visit but he's still crazy; and what's it doing to you? - but that is exactly the kind of boundary-building that a therapist can help you with fast.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Bipolardad741 Mar 24, 2019
Thank you Countrymouse. There is a part of me that has compassion for his illness. But he still manipulates me while mentally ill. That’s why I am keeping him at arms length. This is the first weekend I have felt an unexpected peace. Thanks to everyone here. 🙏🏻
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You most definitely need peace in your life. You also need to leave behind the need to feel like you should defend your life, your successes, and lose any guilt over your dad. You’ve already gone way past what most anyone would in caring for him. It’s time to do the caring from a safe distance for you, meaning an emotionally safe distance. Limit your exposure to his toxic mess. Accept that there’s nothing you can do to change him. Please change your own life so that you’re not continually in the middle of this, it’s not your duty. Honoring your parent often means caring from a distance that keeps you well, after all you’re no good to him this stressed out. See and talk to him less, use a case worker or social worker to manage his care.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Read EVERY WORD that KatieKate wrote.

1. Make sure the facility finds him a placenent.

2. Visit seldom. Send cards.

3. Find a therapist. Growing up with a mentally ill parent damages you. Therapy is the repair work.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Bipolardad741 Mar 24, 2019
BarbBrooklyn, thanks for your advise. Thanks for taking time to reply. I feel so much better after joining this group.
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Do more than pray. First..make very sure the social worker at the facility has made other arrangements for Dad..he isn’t coming home to you. They will try to guilt you into accepting him...stand your ground...do not allow it.

next, limit the time you spend with him. It is very bad for your own health and mental state. People like him will drain you dry and keep doing it. Do not sacrifice your life to him!

finally, seek counciling for yourself. Learn why you feel the need to allow him to be your dependent. The relationship is not healthy for you yet you continue in it. Seek help to understand why and break free. You are not responsible for him. You do not deserve to have your life made miserable by him.

praying is not going to solve this.
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Reply to Katiekate
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Bipolardad741 Mar 24, 2019
Thank you KatieKate. I have already told his case worker that he cannot come home to me, that he will need assistance elsewhere. She understands.
Limiting my exposure to him recently has really helped this weekend.
I’m more at peace.
I believe in prayer but I also believe that we are required to make good decisions.
Such as keeping him at arms length, denying him to move in with me. That cannot happen.
One of the BEST decisions was joining this group! It is so wonderful to have someone relate and not look at me like I’m horrible when I say he cannot live with me! Thanks so much for the advise.
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