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I came back to the house I grew up in, it's a two family house shortly after 9-11, after I lost my job, paid off the mortgage, contributed and paid for most of Mom and Pops bills.

3 years ago, Mom passed away and I became a full time-caretaker to Dad, he seemed to be able to take care of himself , for the most part, then suddenly, a few months ago, started out by getting up at night and leaving the house to go to work, he had retired from his self-employed shop 8 years earlier, it took alot of arguing and change of locks, to slow it down. A few weeks ago, I awoke to find him, not in bed or unlocked doors, but, speaking gibbersh and urinating, defecating on himself. We ended up in the emergency room last Sunday, where he was given an MRI, no evidence of stroke, but, I was told he had real heavy dementia.

Unfortunately, Pop was, never a go to the doctor kind of guy, when I took over 3 years, found no evidence of seeing any doctors. Still, he was always healthy, even now, he has the hands of a vise, and was getting up in the hospital and trying to get out all night, all three days we were there, to the point they restrained him and he kept fighting it.

There is just so much, so quickly, that has happened,the terrfying prospects of losing him to some nursing home, losing our home, since it's in both our names, but, the worst of all, is getting him to bed at night, being unable to commmunicate clearly verbally and the incontinence. Tonight, he just pulled out his penis and began urinating on the kitchen floor.. I yelled, I know we have to have patience, but,this is beyond anything I would ever conceive him doing in my life. i cleaned up and did hug and clean him up, but, it seems, in a few short months, he has 'forgotten', basic toilet training, so , now He has depends on all the time? I lost my Job around Christmas, but, soon will find another one, what then, he'll sleep all day, like he has the last 3 years and stay up all night, I really don't know how much more I can take, without some solution to these problems. I couldn;t sleep at night knowing he is in some nursing home, want him with me, but, it's getting increasingly dangerous and I just am not sure where to start and what to do? Please, Help, anyone?

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Frank, It's a tough job.

In all your spare time, go to the local Area Agency on Aging for advice on the Medicaid Estate recovery plan. If you have kept your father out of the NH for a certain period opf time, they may not take the house. God bless you.
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id start with a good carpet shampooer, put some mittens on that cat so he cant jimmy door latches.
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FrustratedFrank, the solution to our problems would be easy if we were wealthy. Most of us don't have the resources to care for elderly parents these days, so we just do the best we can. One thing I would look into is to see if Hospice may be able to help. Hospice can be paid by Medicare, which would be a huge help to you. However, with the changes in healthcare guidelines recently, hospice is more limited in what they can do.

When our loved ones have dementia, there often comes a time when we are not able to take good enough care of them anymore. This is particularly the case for someone who has to work outside the home. Even though you want your father with you, he would not be safe and he'll become increasingly more difficult to care for. A trained team would be able to meet his needs better.

I wish I could just type in some easy solution, but there is nothing easy about taking care of a person with severe dementia. We just take it a day at a time and do the best we can.
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Yes, you love him but he needs help, not a nursing home but a memory care facility. If he is a vet call the VA, otherwise get him to a safe place where he can't wander off. You will keep your half of the home, you won't be kicked out, but get get an MD to admit him to professional care. You can't survive the 24/7 care, it takes 3 shifts of nurses to do that. Go to alzheimers.org for more info.
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