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My parents are 88yrs old. Stepfather has Parkinson's Disease and beginning of dementia. It's just him and Mom in CA. He is a retired marine LtCol. and gets 3 hours weekday mornings caregiver. However that's 3 hours out of 24 hours. Pops is condition causes him to want to be busy so he tends to want to work on electronic things unplugging everything and wanting to take things apart and his dementia is causing hallucinations. His mind often seems intact as he still tracks with conversations most of the time.


Mom is tired and stressed and months older than him. She is now limping and has to take anxiety pills.

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Crumbs, you're a long way away from them, no?

I think it's an excellent idea to get advice first from the veterans' organisations, who ought to understand your stepfather's mindset better than the more universal ones.

Who is currently sending the three hours' support each day, though? Another idea might be for your mother to talk to the providers and see what additional help they might have to suggest - especially when it comes to enrichment activities. If your stepfather could be enrolled in some sort of day program, or other regular activity, she might get more breathing time.

Meanwhile, even if she isn't ready for this yet, remind her that it is only sensible to plan ahead and take into account not only his probable deterioration, but her own needs. Taking pills for anxiety when you have so many material factors to be anxious about can only really be a sticking plaster. As her stamina and strength decline, it will be rough on *both* of them if she attempts to (forgive me) soldier on.
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If your stepfather was career military and retired, could he be accepted to live in a veteran's home?
The Veteran's Administration might be able to help you. It could be worth talking to them about him.
In the meantime, if you're planning on facility placement start virtually touring different AL or nursing facilities and meeting with their administrators via video chat if you want your parents to stay in CA.
Or go in person to tour facilities in your area and move them nearer to you.
A live-in caregiver could be the answer for them too, but I wouldn't recommend that if there's no family nearby that can regularly check on them and the caregiver.
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Above all don’t go to “A Place for Mom”. A lawyer told me that they only refer to places where they have a relationship which means certain places pay them and other good places may be eliminated from choices.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2021
I heard that too about 'A Place For Mom'. I've also heard and seen some pretty bad things from 'Visiting Angels' as well.
Never use any agency or company that advertises on tv and is a huge chain because they've got deals worked out with their own select facilities.
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There should be a number of things available to a retired officer. Especially if he was in the military during a war, there is Aids and Attendance. If he is already getting help from the VA he must have a caseworker. Talk to that person. Explain that Dad needs more help, possibly placement. Make sure they are aware of Mom and how things will effect her. Your County should have a VA office too.
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Contact the VA Social worker.
They can increase hours of the caregiver.
There are other programs that might help. (Ask about a program my Husband was in called VIP *Veterans in Place*) the name might have changed or there may be others that go by a different name in other areas.
The VA does have Adult Day Programs he might go to.
There have been changes recently and your mom can get paid for caring for him. (This is pretty new so be persistent about it)
Depending on where and when he served they will classify his "disability" and the higher % the more he will qualify for.
Ask about placement in one of the VA facilities. Locally we have what they call the Green House and it is several smaller houses that are much nicer than the larger older VA "homes" it is more of a family setting rather than an institutional facility.
If you cant get the info from the Social Worker contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can get the paperwork needed to determine his "% of disability" that will be important in determining how much help he and your mom can get.
(Parkinson's is but one medical condition that can be factored into the % depending on where he served.)
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artgoddess Jul 2021
I appreciate all these comments! Stepdad was certified 100% disabled because he was exposed to Agent Orange. He does not want to go to any daycare program. It's really rough as talking to him, he's quite intact, but he has moments of definite confusion. These are moments that are hardest on Mom. His 3-hr/daily caregiver is VA provided. Mom is also a certified caregiver but she gave the caregiver all the VA approved hours.

The other issue is the dang reverse mortgage which is all in his name and he can't afford to pay it. They are in the middle of this mess that's why he can't afford to pay caregiver out of pocket.
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Council on Aging

Social worker

Best wishes to you.
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