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My mother lives with me and is and has been for most of my life, an emotionally dependent. I have a full time job, a husband who would like ot have time with me and my two sons are still living with me. I am tired of taking care of people. It would help me if I could find a local meeting to attend where people can share their frustrations, guilt feelings and feellings of being a prisoner in their own home. that's what I feel like, trapped. All my mother will say are things designed to make me feel guilty. I think she is being selfish to not want to pay for my friend to stay with her while my husband and I take a weekend off!

My girlfriend comes each day and helps my mom while I work. She is great and my mom loves her, but she is moving. My mom is so afraid of running out of money before she runs out f life. She is terrified at the thought of going to a nursing home. I would never send my mom to a nursing home, but I do need a couple of 4 day weekends a year! And I think I deserve it. My mom says, "I would never leave my mother!"

Please help me! I am desperate.

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Emotionally dependent seems to mean living in fear, here! Your mom might or might not be able to realize that being unable to let go of you enough that you feel like you have a life is going to burn you out and bring about her worst fears, of being abandoned in a facility. There is this vicious cycle where the needy person in the relationship pulls the other one in harder and harder, the other one pulls away out of sheer self preservation, the needy one feels fearful so they pull even harder... you see where that is leading, nowhere good for either person!

If your mom is cognitively with it enough, it might be the kind of thing you can discuss, as in "MOM! Please!! Just because I need some time with hubby doesn't mean I'm abandoing you! When have I ever not been there for you?? Didn;t you raise a trustworthy child?" I don't know what her caregiving history is with her own mom, but that's worth exploring too.
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Most nursing homes and assisted living facilities have monthly meetings for caregivers. Find one near you.
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I believe that generation is afraid of nursing homes as they believe in the old stereotype being dark gloomy places with unsmiling faces.

The continuing care facilities around where I live are like resorts.... I am ready to sign up :)
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"I would never send my mom to a nursing home."

Never say never. I vowed to my father that he would never, ever have to go into a nursing home and I meant it with everything I had. But his care became such that I could no longer care for him at home. Two years later and I still feel guilty although it was what was best for him.

And you DO deserve time off and more than a couple of 4-day weekends a year. You've been very fortunate to have a friend who was willing to help your mom everyday. What a great friend!

Do you have siblings that can pitch in and give you a break? Other family? Maybe an aunt or a cousin?

If you have no one available to help your mom you will have to look into hiring someone from a local nursing agency or a private duty caregiver if you want to get away. Yes, it's expensive but you have to look at it from a point of view of how much do you need that time off? How much do you need to get away and get a break? Can you keep on going like this indefinitely? And if you decide to go this way the money should come from your mom, not you.

This is a great forum to come to for support but I understand your need for face to face contact and there are support groups for caregivers but not many. Not enough, in my opinion. Try Googling "caregiver support group" and your zip code. Check with local hospitals. You might have to do some digging.

You can also try your Division on Aging (or whatever it may be called in your area) and see if you can't get in touch with a social worker. I've found that social workers have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves. I would be willing to bet that your mom's Dr. has a social worker they refer people to as well.

I also think you'll get more ideas here. And please feel free to vent and scream and complain here. We're there with you or we've been through it at some point. Good luck and I hope we see you soon.
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