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Hubby had a fall (no broken bones thank God) which revealed pneumonia and an internal bleed (due to fall) and a high PSA which we have to follow up on. This resulted in a 4 week hospital stay and he has now gone to SNF for a short rehab stint.


I love my husband dearly. I’ve worked very hard to take care of him these past few years. Trying to meet his needs as well as his DD daughter and just can’t do it anymore. I’m exhausted, suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety (well before my husband became dependent on me) and struggle to even function at home anymore.


Caregiving has consumed every part of my life and I can’t manage. I want to live with my husband, sleep in the same bed, sit on the same couch; all things we haven’t been able to do for a number of years. I just don’t see things changing for the better.


I’m so tired. I feel like I have no choices. I tell him I want to visit my daughter while he is in rehab and is cared for and he tells me he is my husband my place is here. Nevermind that I haven’t seen my daughter and grandchild in a few years.


There is a large age difference between us and I knew at some point I would become a caregiver it just happened straight away, that’s nothing either of us planned on.


I love my husband I’m just tired of me being the one doing all the sacrificing. He was never open to assisted living because of the cost (and I needed it badly) but we never miss a student loan payment for his enabled adult (34 yr old) child.


It’s horrible to say but I know he loves me but I also feel used at the same time. Any talk about the exploitive daughter being responsible for what she owes brings about a horrible argument where he anihilates me (mind you we have 12 children between us but none together, all of his are 30 plus but I still have 1 in high school).


I can’t help but feel I’ve given all I can give and more. No one else steps up to help and I can’t juggle everything anymore.


I married him because I love him and I enjoyed his company. The reality is in 5 years he’s aged me 10-15 years and when it comes down to it I’m tired of feeling like I’m last on the totem pole but the only person doing all the work and wearing all the hats.


I don’t want him to have to go to skilled nursing for good but I feel like I won’t make it if he doesn’t and he feels like people just go to nursing homes to die. It’s just sad. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.


I’ve learned through the years that you watch people’s actions and that speaks to who they are. His mouth says a lot of things about wanting to make sure I’m okay when he is gone, which I appreciate he is thinking of me but he hasn’t taken care of me while I’m right here, now. I’m not talking about buying gifts or a home or anything like that I’m just talking about his unwillingness to move to assisted living because being his caregiver was too much for me and has been to much for me for a long time. To me Love has hands and feet and puts in the work and I have.


I guess I just want to know that being a devoted wife has been and is enough and that it’s okay to take care of myself. He doesn’t seem to get that me taking care of myself is not neglecting him. I don’t want him to have to live out the rest of his life in a nursing home but I don’t see an alternative. If I bring him home it’s just going to be more of the same thing, me struggling to take care of him in an environment that’s not conducive to his needs.

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After reading your post, you sound a lot like me during the care of my mother. I was the oldest of her adopted children and when she fell ill none of them stepping in to help out. I relocated myself and my small child to care for her and when she passed the family turned their backs on us. During he time she was here Indare not say anything bad about them not pitching in. I have now have my own Residential Care Home where myself and staff provide 24/7 personalized care. Within my Community Based Care home your loves one would be in an actual family environment where you would be allowed have his needs met and still have the opportunity to till do all the things you would like watching tv on the same sofa and private stay time with him. Please let me know if you are interested.
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I saw a saying the other day : "You should not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" It really resonated with me. Go see your daughter and grandchild. No one is going to give you permission. You need to tell him you are going, not ask, if for no other reason than to make him appreciate you. When you get back, like others have suggested, get some help for YOU. And make sure you are financially in good shape in case something happens to him. Please don't be a victim. Take care of yourself. Good luck!
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Do I have this correct? You have not seen the Will, Trust, POA, Health Care Proxy etc? You really do have alot to be anxious about if this is the case.

RED FLAGS all over the place! These documents should have been created together long ago. I fear he is hiding some big secrets otherwise you would already have copies. DO NOT DELAY..get these documents yesterday. Do not accept a verbal from ANYONE on this.

You cannot logically proceed without this information. Do not accept any push back or delay tactics with respect to full disclosure of the documents. And here's a thought: he doesn't come home until those documents are in your hands! The ball is now in your court girlfriend!

Let's suppose the documents reveal that indeed he has generously taken care of you in every way possible. I would first try help in your home unless at this point you already know it would be too little too late. If that is the case he must go to AL...at the very least for a month or 2. You decide when he can come home for week end visits based on your recovery.

You need respite and you need it now and you know it. I applaud you for recognizing this and reaching out. I so hear your pain. You need to restore before making any rash decisions.

Do you feel well enough to travel to see your daughter? If so do it without hesitation. Has he always dictated your family visits? HUGE red flag if so.

If the documents reveal otherwise...get the h#@@ out with the best attorney you can afford.

Stay strong until you get this figured out.....xxxooo
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I don't know if 80+ is still considered to be in range of the "greatest generation." My dad is at 101....and I have begun to more look out for my well-being a bit, and teaching myself to not feel guilty because I actually take a day to rest. My mother has dementia so as she slid down the slope becoming less capable, the expectations shifted to me...it has made me realize all that my mother did and wonder how...but she also did not work outside the home. So I see it as maybe a generational difference, role expectations varying...which still doesn't excuse the selfishness and arrogance...I think they may be literally clueless and think this is just what women do. They make a mess, we clean it up. When people hear how old my dad is and ask what the secret is I tell them: he's had good women taking care of him his whole life! I don't know how you have managed thus far doing what you have with depression and anxiety. If anyone deserves a break and vacation, especially when he is in good hands...it's you. It isn't my place to say...or anyone's...but I do think you ought to look out for you and check the legal situation out...you don't mention having had a pre-nup agreement and you deserve to be cared for as well. I hope you can easily access it prior to taking some time to spend with your family!
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Dear Emma Sue,
It is time to “save your life”. You did not “ cause” your husband’s disease.
Life handed him with health issues but, STOP going down alongside him! Stand up and do what is right for you! It is time! Don’t be afraid! If they don’t like your decisions or your actions, that’s OK. You do not need anyone’s approval. Just announce that you missed your daughter and you are going for a few days. They
will survive without you, BUT, you will not survive if you continue to accept this abuse.
I know it is scary to “stand up” , but it works! You will see that! The world will still go on...Find support in a Counselor, your daughter or a friend,
and start being good to yourself.
Say YES to your needs. No permission is needed. No explanation is necessary. Just calmly, with authority, briefly, announce it and do it. You gave so much! STOP
being a victim!! You can brake this cycle. Stop asking your husband to understand you. He focuses on what is good for him.His love for himself is his top priority.
Please change your mindset. It is time to even the scale and put some comfort, rest and pleasure, on your side of the scale.
Be proactive, and start taking time away from your selfish husband.
You will clear your mind and you will
regain your zest for life. Do not allow this to continue. You can do it! Start making plans and dreams for yourself. You will be uplifted!
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OP you mention that there is a significant age gap between you and your OH. A lot of narcissistic men get younger partners for their second or third relationship so that they will have somebody to look after them. You are being held hostage as an unpaid servant. This is the sort of situation trafficked women find themselves in.

Go and visit your grandchild. Stay a few days. Let his daughter look after him.
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I won't give you any advise as i know others will. I'm sending you positive energy. Peace, Dawn❤️❤️❤️
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Go visit your daughter and grandchild.
Do it!
Don't look back.
Go do it.
You may not get another chance for a long time.
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Hi! Caregiving is a hard job! When you are depressed it is even harder!
I would recommend you first see your doctor and deal with the debilitating depression and anxiety. You must, as they say, "put your oxygen mask on before you put anyone else's on." You have to get support for your depression and anxiety. There is no shame is getting on some medication and seeking emotional support either in the form of a caregiver support group or a counselor. I have had to own up to the same facts myself.

Next, you need to realize the only person that will put you first is you. If you count on him to tell you to do that the day may never come. Caring for him is important to you and you choose to do that but seeing your daughter and grand daughter is too. You must carve out space for all of it in your life but may need a support system to help you through making some firm decisions.

Take care of you first and you can figure the rest out as it comes.
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dawn1947 Jan 2019
❤️❤️❤️
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Wow, such a tough situation. You deserve to go see your daughter and grandchild. Just do it. He can't stop you and frankly should be glad that you will get to see them.

I like the idea of, if you bring him home, hire someone to help YOU. Someone to cook, clean, laundry, errands, etc. Then, you'll have time for him without having to do all the household chores as well. I think that could be helpful.
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Sounds like you already know the answer. Please, go visit your daughter. I'm not trying to sound mean, but seriously, he has NO right to tell you that you can't go visit her. Yes, yes you can and I hope you do! Or take the money you're paying toward his adult children and pay for a trip for your daughter to come visit you. Sounds perfectly fair to me. And maybe he doesn't understand why you are unable to care for him like that anymore. It would be smoother if he did, but if not, then proceed forth anyway. Impossible to keep everybody happy anyway. And I understand you love him, but like the saying goes, love isn't enough. Especially in situations like this. Good luck to you!
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rovana Jan 2019
Mutuality is the key to marriage. Love must flow both ways. Your husband is being cared for and I think he should be urging you to take the chance to visit your daughter.
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I'm afraid my first thought on reading your post was about what your husband's will says, as well.

Find out now, not later.

I think you should visit whomever you want to visit, unless you agree with your husband that he's the boss and you're an employee.
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rovana Jan 2019
You are so right about checking that will. One of the first things I thought of. He may well have left everything to his adult kids.  As my grandma used to say "Fine words butter no parsnips."
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Is it still too late to move into AL? Or hire caregivers to relieve you? Something
has to give and in your case unless things change ALOT it's going to be your health.

You sound caring and easy going. Sometimes these very wonderful characteristics
lead to getting taken advantage of. You have to advocate for yourself. And I'd
concur with Isthisreallyreal. Check out those legal documents. And still paying for his 30+ adult kids. Not right.

Think of it this way, by doing everything and not getting help, you're saving money
That money is essentially enabling his adult children not to grow up and take
financial responsibility and it's ruining your health. Every dollar going into their
pockets could be spent on a good AL or at home caregiver. You've got to stop
trying to do everything . before you suffer lasting permanent damage.

I dealt with a selfish family, husband, special needs kids and a narcissistic father
going through endless health crisis. Now I go to the doctor more than he does.
Beware of trying to do the work of three people under stressful circumstances.
It never, and I do mean never, ends well.

Good luck retiring from your unpaid full time job with unpaid overtime and unpaid appreciation and reciprocation. Time to focus more on your own health and needs, because something tells me there is no one that will support you but you right now. Again best of luck!! (((((hugs!!)))))
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I’m a caregiver for my husband as well and I’ve only been doing it for 3 years. He was always self-sufficient and now a complete turnaround. I find myself so exhausted and depressed with his needs for Parkinsons/dimentia. It’s not like we are not doing enough for them. My suggestion for you would be to get him out of home housing care. You will jeopardize your health otherwise. At some point you have to think of your well being. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being more patient, but I’m only human.
I feel for you. I wish you all the best.
God bless you. It’s okay to take care of yourself.
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Thank you JoAnn29 I updated that information in my profile.
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You have no info on ur profile about how old husband and you are.

My Dad was like this. Felt Moms job was him. She stood up to him and wouldn't give up her duties of Church. Don't ask him if you can go tell him you r going. Tell him her will be well cared for. You love him, but you need a break for you. Then go.
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EmmaSue Jan 2019
Thank you JoAnn I didn’t know that I could add that info without adding birthdates in the specific column. I’ve updated my info. Thank you for your feedback.
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Go visit your daughter and grand! You need to care for you or you will not be around to care for him. Heck I wouldn't anyway if in your shoes. You deserve a break. He is well cared for while in rehab. This is the time. Do not let him manipulate you this way.
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EmmaSue, let's see if this would be a good idea. Since caregiving has become so very physically and emotionally exhausting, could you benefit from hiring a private caregiver to help "you" for a few hours each week, or more?

Do you think hubby would reject that idea? Don't say the care is for him as he probably wouldn't want to feel like a burden. But someone to help you out as you are also getting older and cannot do everything you did say 20 years ago.

Tell hubby you read where up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. Then what would he do? Tell him you need help, or you could be part of that 40%.

As for you visit your daughter and grand-daughter, what if this was reversed with you in rehab.... would you want your hubby to be going out of town to visit his children? He probably needs your emotional support but doesn't want to admit it.

Any chance your daughter and grand-daughter can come visit you while hubby is in rehab? If too expensive, could you budget to pay her way or part of the way?

Would hiring a housekeeper to come in once a week lessen the load? Maybe that would be acceptable to hubby, as that isn't directly pointed at him.

So sorry you feel like you are being used, and I use to feel I was at the bottom of the totem pole, too [I used the same totem pole reference to my sig other]. I felt like his grown and married children came first before me, and he was so emotionally drained from their soap opera lives, that he had nothing left to give to me.
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Go see your family.

He is being selfish, manipulative and unfair. Is he narsisitic as well?

His actions speak loud, are you sure you are going to be cared for after his passing? That he uses that against you having any respite throws a red flag for me.

That he is paying for his adult children to the detriment of you throws more red flags.

I am not trying to cause more problems for you, I think that actions speak louder than words and his actions would have me looking at wills, trusts, asset allocation, beneficiaries, etc. To ensure that I wasn't being used, cuz quite frankly, what are you going to do when he's dead and you find out.

I would tell him that if you don't get a break he won't be coming home or you won't be there if he does. A real man cares how his wife is doing right now.

Tell him I said stop being a self centered selfish ass and let your wife have a break.
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Riverdale Jan 2019
That was a good and helpful reply. This situation was very heart wrenching.
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