Professionals just say there is nothing you can do unless the person with the abuse initiates recovery. I find this a strange statement as I understand that an addict cannot help themselves. Any suggestions. Dave
I’m sorry your wife seems to have no desire to change, without that there’s nothing you can do. But please protect yourself financially, don’t be ruined because of her self destructive behaviors
Has your wife been an addict for your entire marriage, or is this something fairly recent? And are you wanting to salvage your marriage, or are you wanting to move on? Either way, only she can make the decision to get help or not, and then you have to decide what you will live with and what you won't. Selling your home sounds a bit drastic, but if divorce is what you're wanting, then selling it and splitting the profits, isn't out of the question, as that would most likely happen through the divorce anyway. Until you decide how you want to proceed, I would recommend that you start attending Al-Anon meetings either in person or on Zoom, as that will help you a lot with understanding addiction. And since you are the only person you can change in this situation, I believe you would probably benefit greatly from the meetings. I wish the best.
I am hoping you are in Al-Anon. They will explain all of it in a simple (if repetitive manner) and give you access to much information and guidance to resources for yourself. You are correct. Only the addict can decide when he needs help. Anyone else making that decision will not help the addict, as the addict won't be truly engaged in healing and recovery. Anyone who suggested to you that there is no help for addicts was incorrect. There is much help and much support, but the prime imperative is that the addict must want that help. As to what you do re staying with the addict and enabling or co-ing, that is where YOU get help; Al-Anon will give you the best guidance on your OWN journey.
You are not obligated to destroy your life alongside someone who has chosen to destroy theirs. If your wife refuses therapy or any steps to improve her situation, I would say you need to consider divorce for your own protection. Get therapy for yourself, because you will need to learn how to live without all the baggage you have, but sadly, I believe you will need to walk away.
Yes, they can help themselves. They have to want to change or nothing that anyone else does will make a difference. They are doing exactly what they want.
No, you don't sell your house to enable them. You kick them out and sell the house to give them their portion, if any. Then you move and leave no forwarding address.
You are correct. Only the addict can decide when he needs help. Anyone else making that decision will not help the addict, as the addict won't be truly engaged in healing and recovery. Anyone who suggested to you that there is no help for addicts was incorrect. There is much help and much support, but the prime imperative is that the addict must want that help.
As to what you do re staying with the addict and enabling or co-ing, that is where YOU get help; Al-Anon will give you the best guidance on your OWN journey.
Sometimes love means walking away.
I understand your concern and your heartache.
My oldest brother was an addict.
Addicts aren’t intentionally trying to hurt others, or even themselves.
Addiction is a disease, not a moral failure.
It’s almost impossible for a person to achieve success the first time they try to quit.
Most people know by now that it takes time to achieve sobriety.
They need encouragement and support.
There are support groups to help cope with this situation.
Please look into Al-Anon.
My family didn’t have the advantage of Al-Anon when I was a young child.
It wasn’t until I was older that I was able to speak about my feelings with others.
Have you participated in Al-Anon?
You cannot force a person to stop smoking, drinking or drugs.
Is your wife ill? My brother did die with liver disease in a hospice facility.
It is extremely hard watching a person suffer with addiction.
Selling your house to support her habit is not the answer. You must protect yourself.
She may have to hit rock bottom but you don’t have to go down with her.
There was a time that I had to abandon my brother.
I desperately tried to get my brother to go to rehab. He refused.
We cannot help someone who refuses our help.
Tell us more about your situation.
If the situation is affecting our well being to a point that we need to step away, then do so.
I realize that it is hard to walk away from a person that we love.
They will make us feel like we are turning our back on them.
Please know that isn’t true. They need more help than we can offer.
Where are you in this situation?
No, you don't sell your house to enable them. You kick them out and sell the house to give them their portion, if any. Then you move and leave no forwarding address.