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JV:

Well said my friend, well said. For better or for worse, he's standing by his woman. ... Here in the South Bronx, I don't see that many doing that. Makes me want to get married all over again to someone who wants me but doesn't need me; who only hangs around because she loves me. Am I asking for too much?

-- ED
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Pilot - Do not doubt yourself. You have done everything right, for everything you have done has been in the interest of your mother. How lucky you are to have such a supporting husband! I know it gets exhausting sometimes, but in the great scheme of things, when all is said and done and one day you meet your mother again face to face on the other side, she will be able to tell you how proud she was of you and thank you for all you did. This is taking a huge chunk out of your life, but when it is all over, you will be glad for everything you did. Take care of yourself, dear, so there is still some of "you" left to appreciate life. And give that wonderful hubby a hug for all of us!
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Again, thank you all. I first must tell you all that like so many other baby boomers,I have full time job, 5 days a week 7am-7pm, those are the work hours. I am an only child and have cared for my Mother alone (with support from my Husband) for the last ten years. I have not had a vacation in all that time, not even one day away from home. It would be great if I could be at the nursing home several times during the day but I cannot. My husband is retired due to health reasons and when I cannot go he does. My Mother is there because she had a heart attack and stroke and was found on the floor of her apartment. There are no "elderly foster care homes" in this area.
I am doing the best I can do and today, while at work, a call was received at home on the follow up for the letter I wrote to Social Services.
I go to visit almost every evening, but I must admit I am exhausted.
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I wish to add that you also have to realize a 98 year old woman can decline quickly all at once, whether from an illness or the stress of being placed in a home. You haven't mentioned her cognitive ability, but this is not uncommon. Many people blame the facility when this happens, but it is not always the facility's fault. The laundry is extremely frustrating. Our facility has a woman who doesn't read well, and is notorious for putting laundry in the wrong drawer, and sometimes won't get caught for awhile.
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PILOT:

I agree with Austin. Of course you should keep everything documented --otherwise it never happened --, but some things require a relentless personal touch. There's really no excuse for this, and as long as you're not crude, crass, and obscene don't apologize to anyone. ... Except Mom.

-- ED
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When my mother was in the NH recovering from hip surgery, I was there hours every day, making sure things got done. I helped in in many additional ways. Ask about physical therapy to get her strength back. When you go in, YOU help her to the bathroom. YOU get her up and walking with walker. Bring in 1# weights to get arm strength back. Bring in the Chair Dancing video and do exercises together. With all the work you've done complaining, you could have made direct progress with your mother.

You may need to find another facility that is devoted to keeping residents up and on their feet, rather than conveniently seated. Diapers are changed on the staff's schedule, not obviously when she has to use the toilet.
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Please address this face to face as was suggested by other concerned people if no improvement call the state board of health and keep going from there is there another nursing home close where you could transfer her to for your peace of mind also check to see if this nursing home has family meetings and if not ask for one, Does your Mom ask to be put back to bed after a while then they would be able to see if she is wet-it seems NH love to use diapers even when it is not necessary.
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Thank you or your comments. I've witten to the social service department regarding the personal care my Mother is getting. My Mother went into the Nursing Home ambulatory and continent, she lived alone for many years and with the help of an aid, was taken care of, bathed, washed and clean.
In the Nursing Home, my Mother is now, almost always, confined to a wheel chair, wearing a diaper and totally dependent on help. This is a top quality care facility, I am doubting my judgement in placing her there. To make matters worse, her clothes are diappearing, and we do the laundry. I am awaiting an answer from the Social Service staff.
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No matter the size of the nursing home, every resident is to be checked and assisted a minimum of every two hours. If you try talking to the DNS and don't feel as though you're getting anywhere, try stopping by, assessing her situation, then leave and come back two hours later. If nothing has changed, you have a reason to complain. A 98 year old woman's skin can break down quickly. Document everything! Ask for a care committee meeting to make your needs known. If you still feel unsatisfied, the facility should have an ombudsman to help facilitate your needs.
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Pilot - the first thing I'll say is TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Second is to find the director of nursing or DNS at the facility and tell her you are very concerned. They often work 9-5 M-F so you'll have to go during their work schedule. Do not leave without talking to her/him and don't let her/him delay. If you can't get the DNS then speak with social services. Write down notes about what they say and follow up with a letter to the manager of the nursing home if necessary.

Ask how often your mother gets bathed and tell them you are concerned. Make sure they look at your Mom's charts and don't just give you some generic answer. If they can't bath her in a shower room she should be getting bed baths. Failure to keep patients clean can result in urinary tract infections, sores and it's hard on their dignity.

Best of luck!
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