How/When to tell the banks that your spouse has dementia?

You have no choice but to go the incompetency route -- anything less is neglect. You are aware that he is incompetent and need to accept that first. Once you've accepted this reality, it will be much easier for you to do what you need to do. In the meantime, you can try to talk with the banks, etc, but until you produce legal documentation, they really cannot protect you, him, or your assets from his mistakes. You need an elder law attorney to help you draw up the appropriate documents, and hope that your spouse is still competent enough (and willing) to sign that power over to you. Without that, you'll need to go to court to obtain the necessary power to act on your spouse's behalf. I believe about the only thing you can't do without him right now would be sale of real property and forced admission to a care facility against his will. But stopping him from wasting your estate won't be easy without those documents. You can try changing passwords, put holds on accounts, etc, but again, the banks might not be willing to do that on joint accounts, without his consent. You can act, or choose to allow him to lose everything you've worked your whole lives to save. I say act, and act now.

Thank you everyone. I guess you all said what i figured you would and I know you are right. I'm walking a tightrope at the moment. He has taken a sudden decline in the last 6 months and i was thinking it would be a non issue soon. My first question on this site was about a struggle i have been busy with all this time to get him to a doctor after he went into chronic fear mode and refused Healthcare. After my first phone consult today with homehealth, they feel he is way past that and needs hospice. Doctor agreed/approved and they are coming tomorrow.

To answer your questions as to why I've waited, is because the reasons why he doesn't want to give up the finances and why he didn't want to go to the doctor are the same...crippling fear over what is happening to him and in such a short time. He hasn't had much time for acceptance. Getting him to a doctor had to be my first priority.

I have POA, DPOA. All accounts are joint. We are in Cali. I'm sure his doc would give me a letter. Hospice says they can help me with a lot of different things from end of life arrangements to counseling for him. So a lot will change in the coming weeks.

he is homebound and almost bedridden. This is an online banking issue. I liked the "internet is down" idea. He locked himself out yesterday but was too embarrassed to tell me so I'm going to ride that one as long as i can. And yes, he has no concept of day/time so I've been able to pay all the bills from my smartphone the day the pension check comes in - as we watch TV, without him even knowing.

I think that was all your questions...and i just want to say thanks again. I wish i would have found this site sooner. The kind words, love, support and even kick in the pants has been so strengthening for me during this difficult journey.

Our elder affairs attorney is a key part of our support network. You will enjoy the attorney client privacy and are able to ask and say anything in private. We were lucky and found a woman with years of experience in elder care and Alzheimer's and the world you are now in.

There is much excellent advice on forms and there is an awful lot of misinformation. See and talk with a elder affairs attorney now not latter.

Sadly, in the short time i posted this question my husband has become bedbound with hospice care and it is no longer an issue for me. I have much larger stresses. But i really liked the practical solution of, "its in the safe". Thanks Luarca!

And BTW, no, the bank will not notice or figure it out themselves. If they do figure out that something isn't right, it will be too late to do anything about it and the only person to blame will be yourself.

If you have POA and are on the bank accounts along with him, then speak in person to a human being at your local branch. They might be able to note on the account that if he were to come inside to transact any business, to contact you immediately.
I'm POA for my mother and on her accounts, but our bank can only do so much. Speaking with someone in person helped a bit in my case because my mother would walk into the branch, and since they were notified of her condition, it helped somewhat. But the best solution is to remove them from the accounts -- which I have NOT done yet (our own specific situation makes this too problematic at the moment).
If you can get him away from online banking/the internet, it would be a huge help. My mother is no longer online, so I have much more control and monitoring ability. She still is able to write checks, though -- and she has a debit card, which I wish she didn't have, but it's part of her bank access card. Like I said, our solutions aren't perfect -- the best thing would be to remove him from the accounts, which you can do if you have POA and are on the accounts.
Sometimes it helps to make up fibs to buy you some time, like "the internet is down....", "the banks are closed today...." "new checks haven't been delivered yet..."

Its hard, but you do need to tell the banks as the others said. Its better for you and your husbands financial situation as well as the bank. Hang in there, I understand what your feeling, but this is best in the long run to protect both of you, and your husband. Try to keep his mind off the accounts, change passwords, move the info, let him look over some "accounts" when you both can sit down and do it together. Hang in there you can do this.

My broker has a "sweep" setting on an account where it sweeps out the account cash balance (dividends) at the end of the day and deposits it in a money market fund. You might be able to get that on your banking and put it into a single owner account. Broker also had me sign a Transfer on Death form for the account - my spouse just has to bring in a death certificate and the money is transferred to him without having to go to the estate and probate.

GiveAdog: what a great idea. Thanks!

Questions: how old is your husband, is he still driving, is he angry and would he harm you, is the hospice for end of life care, and what are his medical problems and medications? My first thought is to somehow disable his computer if he is trying to bank on line. My father has a spell about 2 years ago of moving money all over the place and making a total mess of my parents finances. This is when I began to realize that his dementia was getting worse. Luckily, I had POA and was able to track down all the accounts, CDs, annuities etc and get things secured. It was a total mess and took me two weeks. Like it or not you are going to have to get at least a POA or better yet legal guardianship before it's too late. It sounds tough for you. I wish you the best.